Sunday, February 2, 2014

~~For Love of Minecraftia: Chapter Three--Pedo Bear Likes Grapes~~

“Grapes in the mouth make me happy down south….”

I blinked. What the hell did I hear? Whatever it was, it had woken me up…..Sighing, I decided it was time to go investigate the sound. I sat up, still with my eyes closed, when suddenly I realized something—there was no bundle of softness that landed in my lap. In shock, I opened my eyes wide, and what did I see but….

A soft red blanket. I turned my head around slowly, and spotted what my head lay on:  A pure white pillow.

My bed and pillow were black.

This was not my bed.

I looked all around my house.

This was definitely not my house either. And how did I know that? The answer was very, very simple…..I didn’t remember my house being made of blocks. Nor do I remember making the blue print for my house, or spending several days working on it to make it perfect.

But, there could be no doubt. This was my house in Minecraft.

Sighing, I stood up out of the bed, and wandered all around. I headed towards the makeshift dresser with a wooden slab functioning as a chair in front of it, and look in the “mirror” over it. Sure enough, I was made of pixels—my pajamas reduced to scattered blue pixels, and my shaggy black hair reduced to nothing more than a rather funny looking blob on top of an even odder-looking face. Hell, you could barely tell I was female….

Granted, could you before now? I had never been very…shaped. I never had the classic hourglass figure—or even my mother’s pear-shaped one. I had just been…straight up and down. Far, far too skinny to ever develop much of anything but A-cup boobs and a pea-sized butt. This is probably why I’m not one to ever join activities like swimming…..Or date….Or go outside with boys…..Or outside at all.

But this was no time for thinking such thoughts about my poor self-image. I had found myself in Minecraft, but not only that I had found myself woken up by a line from one of my favorite videos: L and the Best Quote of All Time. A quote that would forever live on in my head as one of the most messed up things I had ever found on YouTube, no matter what I searched for.

Being my usual paranoid self, I wandered out of my small bedroom, smiling at the familiar assortment of chests, bookshelves, and makeshift closets that covered the walls of my room. I was planning on heading to the basement to find my weapons chest when all I could hear was the next quote in the video: “Make you get a big boner what you gonna do?”

And what was extremely creepy was the fact that the voice was coming from the window right beside me.

Almost dreading what I would see, I slowly turned to the side, and what would I see but a brown furred bear looking at me with a large creepy smile….

I had never run harder in my life.

I didn’t run to my bedroom—of course not. Why? It was freaking Pedobear! He would rape me, and being in the bedroom only made it worse. So where did I go? To the basement, of course! I sprinted down into it, running as fast as I can, almost falling on the stairs. I ran to the chest in the far back corner, opening it with a desperate lift of my arms. I reached in and rooted around, finally managing to slide on my cheap leather armor, my bow, quiver, and sword carried on top of it. Just as I was about to turn around, I felt a very small tap on my hip.

I whirled around in a circle, sword out in lowered.

I will never forget the sound that came from hitting Pedobear with the sword…..

It was the sound of a child crying. Horrified, I focused my eyes on the bear as it fell over, bleeding and dying. Yep, it was a bear, and not a kid in a costume that I had almost chopped the head off of. Thank God….Maybe killing this thing would protect…someone from being raped by this horrific little fiend. I sighed, refusing to think about it as I watched the body simply poof into nothingness, just like all Minecraft corpses.

When all the blood was gone, I looked at my sword. The wooden sword was still useable, but it probably would not last long before it simply became trash for me to throw away. Deciding it would need to do for now, I put it back in my inventory—which I accessed through complicated methods and chants that I will not go into the details of explaining for the resulting text would last longer than the actual manuscript you now hold in your hands—and walked out of the basement, heading for the kitchen. I’d find some food first, and then I’d start work on figuring out where to go next for the duration of…however long I stayed here in Minecraftia.

As I wandered around the familiar confines of my beautiful home, I wondered how bad it would be if I stayed here, forever. It was certainly beautiful, and there was also the benefit of never needing to deal with people, homework, pollution, or general asshats. Here, a girl could be a girl—even if she was pixelated and completely lacked gender now. I could be free, and create endlessly. There would never be a lack for anything—I could live simply, spending my days browsing the bookshelves, or maybe working on paintings using dyes….

I reached the kitchen, and wandered over to the “sink.” It was made up of a water source block surrounded by glass and cobblestone. I reached into the perfectly clear depths, washing my hands carefully. I didn’t know if there were any harmful germs in Minecraft, but I wasn’t planning on finding out any time soon. Besides, like my mom always said: Better safe than sorry.

And I definitely did not want to risk being sorry in this situation. Who knew what this dream was? Who knew how long it would last? Either way, I wasn’t going to resist playing here for a while. There was a lot of things I wanted to do.

Grinning, I finished washing my hands, and moved to open the chest that functioned as a fridge. I grabbed a bucket of milk, some cooked fish, and a large loaf of bread. Figuring this would need to suffice until I found out what else around here could be eaten, I scampered rather cheerily down the hall, heading towards the dining room. Plopping myself down on the wooden “couch,” I set my things down on the table in front of me, eyeing the floating cake that stood near me. I grinned, deciding I’d definitely need to try a bit of that for dessert, if I was still hungry after this massive meal I was hopefully going to enjoy.

Eyeing the mess of food curiously, I decided I might as well start on eating the bread. I picked it up in my weird-shaped hands and managed to tear off a chunk. I stuffed it hungrily into my mouth, and felt my body fall soundly over.

It was the absolute best bread I had ever tasted in my entire life. It was lovely and soft and just perfectly crispy on the outside. I didn’t even care that I had no butter and the bread was soft—I just went all nom-tastic on it. It was incredible….

When my supply of bread had dwindled to none, I looked around at the assortment of food that still waited for me to eat it. I picked up the fish, and set about picking off the scales, trying to keep from getting grossed out. God, why didn’t Minecraft have any knives? No way was I going to use some of the little iron I had managed to gather and save up to make a knife….

About ten minutes later, the fish was cleaned, and I started to pick at it, feeling curious about the taste. I decided it actually wasn’t half bad in the least, delighting in the delicious differences in texture that came with the fish. When it was done and the bones and scales—among other really gross things—lay on the table, I sat back, picking up the large bucket of milk. I gratefully picked it up, tipped it to my mouth, and….promptly spilled it all down myself.

Well….At least I didn’t have any “clothes” that needed to be cleaned, right? But, I was still wet….And I suddenly realized that towels were definitely not something in Minecraft.

Groaning, I put the bucket back down on the table, careful of the remaining two thirds of milk. I headed up the stairs, on my way to my room. Once there, I stopped dead in my tracks, staring all around in pure and utter confusion.

There were clothes now, folded neatly, on each shelf of the closets. Grinning, I walked over to them, and got myself dressed. Smiling, I eyed the clothes. They actually were not pixels—they looked like some of my normal, real-life clothes.

That’s when I noticed something weird.

My body had become me again.

Unable to contain my grin, I scampered over to the mirror and started playing with my hair—one of the few girly habits of mine that I definitely could not contain, but would be humiliated if anyone ever found out. I eyed myself appreciatively, spinning in my new get up. I was dressed now in a very long black leather jacket that clung to my form but somehow managed to blow in the wind where it loosened out at the waist; tight dark grey pants that flared out at the ankles; and a black t-shirt with a shiny belt around the waist, showing off my very small hourglass. It was one of my favorite outfits. Finally, I paired that with a pair of black high-heeled boots, clicking my heels smartly on the stone floor. I liked the sound quite a bit.

When I was done staring at myself in the mirror like a teenage girl, I was about ready to turn and walk out of my room when…what should I hear but: “Oh shit, what’s in the bucket?”

Pedobear was back.

I grabbed my sword, and ran down to the living room, yelling a war cry—it came out like a garbled grunt, but either way it was war like, and I choose to stick by my very non-threatening self. I ran right into the basement, and swung my sword, only to ram right into the paw of the thing I was trying to kill.

Pedobear stared at me with his big black eyes, and said in a weirdly squeaky voice, “You’re too old for me!”

With that proclamation, he turned around and walked away, heading up the stairs on his way to the front door, leaving me, an incredibly confused girl, behind to stare after him.

When I was sure he was gone, I sat down on the couch again and just started drinking, wishing there was alcohol in this world. Unfortunately, there was no way to get drunk, and so I was left sitting on the couch drinking milk like a four year old.

Finally, I manage to calm down enough to head outside, and walk around my property, examining the world.

It truly was just as beautiful as I had imagined it. Even though the entire world was still blocks, I loved it nonetheless. It more than felt like home to me. Smiling, I headed down to the lake, deciding I would take a bath. Looking around carefully, I stripped down and quickly flat-out ran into the cool water, swimming out nice and deep. I’d been unable to find a swimsuit, but it didn’t really matter. Unless a new random character decided to show up—or, even worse, if Pedobear decided he was planning on liking me older—I should be good.

I swam through the lake, diving down as deep as I could, running my hands across the blocks of sand curiously. They were in block form, and the sand felt…all stuck together. I couldn’t separate the grains of sand from one another. They definitely seemed to like staying in block shape.

I swam back up for air eventually, looking all around. It was going to get dark soon, so I quickly doggy paddled my way back to the shore. Yes, I do doggy paddle. It’s pretty much the only way I knew how to swim. My dad was incredibly artistic and my mom came from a ridiculously rich family, but for unknown reasons they never seemed to find the time to send me to swimming lessons….

That probably tells you quite a bit about the kind of family I come from. I do love my family quite a bit, but….We weren’t entirely functional. I guess that more than explains why I’m so glad to have found myself here, in this lovely place.

Smiling to myself, I climbed out of the water, got dressed, and….

Woke up in bed.

I stared around at myself—at the massive pile of parcels, at the things scattered all around me. I looked down, and sure enough, there was cloud a’curled on my boobs. Deciding it had all been a dream, I petted the kitty, smiling at how she mewled when she woke up. She was so very cute….I petted her lovingly, and she quietly nuzzled into my palm.

Thinking it was time I got moving, I glanced over at the clock. It read: 8:00 a.m.

And, unless I was mistaken, school started in five minutes….And I was a twenty minute bus ride away. I won’t bore you with the incredible round of curses that followed that discovery. There was absolutely no way I would be able to get to school.

Well….Would that really be a bad thing? It meant I’d have some time to catch up on my graph making, and maybe even some extra time to figure out what that memory stick contained. Grinning with plans of wasted time and hilarity, I got to my feet, and knocked over absolutely everything that lay on the bed beside me.

In response to the almost absurdly loud crash that followed, poor little Cloud got up off the bed and scampered out of the room like the devil was after, her entire fluffiness extra fluffed with fear. Feeling more guilty than I had ever felt in my life—more guilty than I felt when I forgot my dad was taking the shower and ran the dishwasher, or when I lied to my friend about the homework just so he’d get in trouble—I ran after the cat. I probably scared her more than the noise did, but I didn’t want to let that little thing out of my sight, for fear of her getting hurt or lost in such a big environment. Biting my lip and hoping the little fiend wasn’t too much faster than me, I ran down the steps.

I reached the fourth landing when  something horrific happened….

My left foot hit something soft and fluffy, and I fell forward, rolling down the stairs.

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