Tuesday, April 30, 2013

~~A Ramble for Old Time's Sake: Life Post~~

Things are functioning as expected. Even though I do not have my laptop, I managed to overcome that and whip out a truly awesome presentation for my English class. Mythology rules!

How did I do that, exactly? I did what I'm doing as we speak: Actually used one of the big hulking computers. I don't like this keyboard. I have small hands and larger keys mess up all my typing skills. I don't like this at all!

But, yet, I will suffer through it for you, my much-neglected blog!

Please don't forget me viewers....I exist I swear!

I'm not entirely sure what I want to say to you, dearhearts. I could ramble on as I so often do. I could talk about how Ted has gotten his phone back. I could talk to you about how much I miss Ian now that I can't talk to him all the time. I could talk to you about how much I hate not having my laptop. I could talk about how glad I am to have a friend like Hugo. And Austin's pretty great, too. I could explain how I live without my laptop. I could ramble about how much I'm glad I don't have to rely on people sometimes. I could talk about my gift for Ian.

Shall I go over all these things? Yes, I believe I shall.

So, yes. As I MAY have mentioned before--my memory sucks, and I'm sure that you know this by this stage of the game--Ted has gotten his cellphone back. There's a variety of ways I could react to this. I could be all happy because, hey, no more three-calls-a-day minimum....Or I could be even more annoyed because suddenly the differences in our communication levels are once again made clear. How AM I reacting? Kinda a mix between the two....I'm happy to not have to listen to him every day, but it sucks that now it's even harder to get rid of him. But at least I can ignore a text....

I miss Ian right now. I hate not being able to talk to him every moment of every day. I hate not being able to hear his voice, or talk to him. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.....

I also hate not having my laptop. Actually, I hate it less than you think. Even though it's annoying, it's only bad in school. At home, it's FREEING! Last night, I made no less than TEN bookmarks! WHOO!!!! It's actually pretty good for me. I can't do much, so now I can do everything else--if that..makes sense. It doesn't, but I'd like to believe it did. But....At school, it drives me loco. I feel useless because I can't do anything, or a burden to my friends because I have to keep asking to borrow theirs.

Ahem, so why am I glad to have a friend like Hugo? He is a real sweetheart. He looks after me, loves me...He makes sure I'm okay, WITHOUT ever putting the moves on me like other people would. I like this. He's older than I am by a lot, but we have a connection that I believe will be incredibly tough to break. He listens, he cares....And don't think that this is a one-sided thing. In this friendship, we're equals. I'm glad he's here. I'm glad he knows me.

Well, what about Austin? Why is HE earning a place in this post? Because he's awesome, knuckleheads. He asks me billions of questions, he's proud of me, and he gets it. Even though he, too, is older than me we click. I like older people. They get it more than people my age do. He recently downloaded Whatsapp for me, which means that we can now text for free--as long as there's internet. Yeah, my friends are awesome.

How do I live without my laptop? Simple! I rely on OTHER technology! Like, right now I'm on a family computer. I browse Reddit on my phone and I found an app that lets me post to my blog from my phone. So, all in all, not too much changed. I'll be fine, dearhearts.

I don't like relying on people at all. I don't like people. They tend to not do their jobs, or not be able to do something. I like knowing when I can win or lose, based off of my own power. If I can't do it on my own, then it shouldn't be done. I know that's kind of...selfish and cynical, but it's true. I don't like people, my darlings. I never really did.

So, what IS my gift for Ian? It's a USB filled with our songs and Creepy pastas. And a picture of me when I was six....Why? Because I love him and I miss him. I am adorable, jackasses!


Yeah, yeah Imma end this here.

I love you all!!!!!!!

Monday, April 29, 2013

~~Alright, Issues Arise: Notification Post~~

Well, hello my darlings! I would just like to tell you some certain things.

First, last weekend was pretty fricken' awesome. We spent all of it filming for an English mythology project. Did we do well? Yes we did. It was the most hilarious thing ever, it was psychotic, we were high--at least we appeared to be...And it was so much fun.

But unfortunately my laptop is out of order. The screen is damaged, but otherwise its perfectly fine. No files were lost, but I might not be able to post as often. I'm typing all of this on my cell and my thumbs are hurting...

But, nah, its alright. My laptop will be fixed maybe next week or so. We just need a new screen--its fine otherwise.

Ugh, I don't feel like doing anything. I'm exhausted, tired...I'm glad nothing's overly wrong with it, though...

I'll see y'all later.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

~~My Darling~~

Ich liebe dich, mein Schatz
I love you, my Treasure
So many different ways
To express a sentiment

Propose to me in Klingon
Whisper to me in metaphor
Speak to me through fingers
Tend to me with a kiss

Let me tell you how I feel
Let me whisper to you my cries
Let me say how much you mean
Let me show you how I feel

Time slips on and time slips by
Joys defend, and I cannot lie
I love you so, that much is true
I would have died if not for you

No matter how much hope I had
I would have faded away
No matter how strong I was
I would have given up one day

Let me tell you how grateful I am
For you to be proud of me
To tell me how amazing I am
I love you for it, you know

Ian, I believe in us
I believe we can make it
533 miles is quite far
But I will walk to you

You are my darling, my dearheat
Lover mine, my other half
You're the one I've chosen
No matter who you become

You've changed since we began
And I have as well
We've grown less numb, more alive
All because of this love we have

I think we deserve it
After all this suffering
We have earned it
This joy, this light--my darling.

Monday, April 22, 2013

~~Ahem: Life Post~~

As some of you may have noticed, I finally DID change the background. Do y'all like her? I find her beautiful...And hopefully not too deliciously distracting.

Whelp, my darlings!

I need to be writing q.q

I just can't get motivated today....

I gotta try though!!!

~~No More Sun Chips: Life Post~~

Words cannot explain my sorrow on my lack of Sun Chips. None can get rid of the hunger I feel for my delectable Sun Chips. I cannot explain how much anger I feel at the realization that my school replaced the Sun Chips in the vending machines with Almond Mini Crunch things. Sun Chips are large and delicious. This SMALL idiotic package is stupid and painful and it tastes horrific. It also, amusingly, has more percentage of your daily fat than these:

That is what they replaced. GARDEN SALSA! I LOVE garden salsa! It is so delicious and it was so cheap! YOU, SCHOOL! You fill the vending machine with CUPCAKES, COOKIES, AND HUGE FUDGE-COATED BROWNIES! WHY did you replace the HEALTHIEST KIND OF CHIP THAT TASTES GOOD with CRAP!?


Okay, Imma calm down now.

I should probably change topic from Sun Chips and my sorrowful anger to, let's say, my weekend.

Saturday was....Saturday. Not too much happened, despite it being 4/20. Well, one thing DID happen! Ian and I got overly romantically adorable. Gueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeess what! We're going to be writing daily to each other, and when we meet....We're going to hand each other all of those letters and messages. This is going to be amazing.

He is so adorable! It drives me insane though...I really hope he'll be able to read my handwriting. And I really hope I'll be able to read his.

Oh god, next year is going to be so amazing!!!!!!!!!


Okay, well yesterday was pretty cool. I went to Sun-Jung's orchestra performance, and she is really good. She bugged me because she thought I had fallen asleep, when in actuality I was just doodling a tree in my notebook. Besides, an orchestra is not that fun to watch. And then, I proved my friendship.

She had twisted her ankle really bad on Saturday ((jumped and landed on her foot wrong)) so after her performance we went off to the clinic. For two hours, we were at the clinic. I hate walkin clinics, but her pain was only half of what I went through last year with my rash. But good news: Her ankle isn't broken or torn. Bad/good news: Won't be in school for the next week.

Yeah, Imma be lonely for the next week. I'll collect all of her work and give it to her.

But that's alright--I will see her again.

Uh, I gotta end this here.

Love you all!

Thursday, April 18, 2013

~~How Far Away it Seems--Life Post~~

Hey y’all, my beloved and all-too-loyal readers. Time again for me to sit here on the bus, and tap out to the rhythm of the potholes my day. What happened today, my darling world? What happened today?

Today, I went out for my spare to Tim Horton’s. I went with Fatum—who I have definitely forgiven, she is a really good friend—and ended up running into Jen there. When we were there, we discussed Homestuck, the worst things we ever did, Doctor Who, Supernatural, and well various other things. I brought up—but never went into too much detail, mind ye—my cam whore past.

I talked about Adam, who I have enough info on to actually send to jail. Maybe I should, but….No, I don’t entirely feel like I should do that. It would blast open all of that part of my life, and even though I am over it now, I still don’t want people I know to know. Namely my family….So, I apologize right now to whichever girl gets into his clutches next. I could’ve saved you, you poor child, but my own selfishness makes me not be able to. Good luck, my girl, good luck. May I burn in hell for keeping my silence.

I, of course, had a point to this post. My main point is that…it seems so far away now. It feels like a distant nightmare or dream. After spending so long hating myself for doing wrong, feeling so ashamed for not being smarter about it, I’ve moved on. My god, my god, I’ve moved on! What happened, happened; and I do not live there anymore. I no longer live that way. I am no longer that person.

Emily, I’ve gotten over you. Adam the younger and Adam the elder, I’ve forgotten you. Simon, Alexander, Shade—you’re all gone now. All of you are gone now. It no longer matters…..

After so long spent clinging to the past and missing them, I’m over it. Adam is the only one from that time period I still have thoughts about. That mainly is due to the fact that I feel like I am too happy now.

I feel too happy now, so my mind is actually trying to jinx it. I am finally an equal now—not a submissive, not a slave….Not a whore. Not a slut. I wear a ring now, and even though he is so unbelievably far from me, I am with Ian.

My smile now is truly happy, not broken or sobbing. I’m happy now. I am actually happy. Even though I still feel bittersweet, even though there’s still bad days—just like there always will be—I no longer am breaking. It feels…so strange, to be able to say I’m whole. So strange, to be able to say I’m alive.

And I am truly glad to be able to say I’m alive.

I have friends now, amazing friends—Hugo, Riley, John, Sun-Jung, Fatum, Jen, Sarah, Dylan. I have Ian. Comparing my life to my life before is incredible, how far I’ve come…..All my friends now are sane, and even though a good deal have baggage, it’s baggage they can handle without cutting or drinking. Several drop everything whenever I am anything but happy, and just run to my assistance. They are such sweethearts…..

Hugo right now is my favorite. He’s one of the sweetest people I have ever known, and we both agreed that if the age difference was less, if we lived closer together, and I wasn’t taken we would actually have a relationship.

What? We click. And just because I admit we click doesn’t mean I want to…you know…do THAT with him.

I got over my past, and....I'm still amazed by it. I got through hell, through heaven...And I'm still kicking. I'm still alive, still laughing and I'm still okay.

It doesn't touch me any more.

Adam, Emily....Everyone....

You no longer matter in my life.

I've moved on past you.

I'm proud.

I'm so fucking proud....

I love you.

So much....

~~My Dearest Readers: Notification Post~~

Yes, I commonly post several times during English class. But right now I want to study math. So, I apologize--you shall all receive your posts during lunch, civics, and my spare!

I love you!

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

~~Spring Cleaning?: Life Post~~

Hello, my fine, delectable wanderers! Hello my amusing friends! Hello my strange and worldly readers! Tis I, tis I--your wonderful blogger! Here I am, to write yet another blog post upon my fine and wondrous blog!

Oh readers, I have just realized! Have I EVER changed your glorified background? No, no--I believe not. Why, Normalcy is Relative got a new backdrop maybe once a month but you, my much more neglected child of the mind, haven't even got one!

Perhaps it's time I give you a quick and adorable edit? Yes, yes a new background would be nice! Freshen the place up a bit, you know? Spring cleaning, and all.

I think I like the idea of a purple and blue background, though. I do quite like the old one, especially because it doesn't seem to interfere with the text too much.....

Hmmm, perhaps I won't change it unless I find the perfect one....

I'll add in the possibilities here:




Actually, I might just stick with the old one. Hasn't failed me yet. But, if I do change it, it might not even be to one of the options here. I haven't done too much thinking yet.

Alright, well what else requires a spring cleaning? My room, for one. Gah, I have to do a lot of cleaning....*Sighs.* I also need new headphones--I can't STAND ear buds! I MOTHERFUCKING HATE THEM!

And, no, I am not apologizing for that swear word. My family has been promising to get a replacement every day for the past two weeks. Now that they finally have kicked the bucket enough that I refuse to even try and fix them, I can't get a new pair for two days.

I'm exhausted still, my darling loves.

Yesterday was not fun, but I don't think it's even worth going over it.

*Sighs a tiny bit.* Well, I figured out who some of my best friends are. Hugo, definitely. Ian, naturally. Surprisingly Riley, who I met only a few days ago, is definitely a real sweetheart.

Sun-Jung is good and Fatum is good, but sometimes I just....

It's alright, my darling loves. It's alright.

What am I thinking about right now? Surprisingly not much.....I never actually have that much going through my head. I just act like I do.

"Just came to say goodbye, didn't want you to see me cry, I'm fine...."

"But I know it's a lie
"This is the last night you'll spend alone
"Look me in the eyes so I know you know
"I'm everywhere you want me to be
"The last night you'll spend alone
"I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go
"I'm everything you need me to be."

Those lyrics are from "The Last Night" by Skillet.

It reminds me of Ian and I, wouldn't you agree?

Hey, I might have to head home soon, so I'll end this post here.

I love you, my darlings.

Be well and safe.

~~Strangely Weak Today--Life Post~~

For some reason, I keep almost collapsing today. I do have my period, and I didn't have anything for breakfast but coffee because I got up late, but....Ugh, it's annoying me. I don't like feeling this way. I'd rather just go home.

I feel exhausted....

But it's alright, I can pull through. I won't collapse just yet.

We're working on a Pandora's Box assignment in English class. One hope, six evils.

My hope is creation, represented by a notebook.

An evil is advancements in technology, represented by a pebble.

Another is discrimination, represented by a white thread tied into a noose.

Another is national pride, represented by the song Borders Are by Serj Tankian.

Another is depression, represented by an empty pill bottle filled with salt and sugar.

Another is homophobia, represented by a picture of Collins and Angel kissing.

My final evil is death, represented by dead grass.

Pretty deep, hm?

Hehe, I like how my mind works. Deep, strange....And, well, me.

I got something to eat, drank some, and now I have gum. I'm feeling out of it still, but I'm okay.

I love you guys.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

~~Because of You Acrostic~~

Bitterness is fading
Evil has let me go
Cruelty has faded
Away to kindness
Understanding has filled me
Somehow, we've grown so much
Even though it's been a short time

Of course, things haven't been easy
Forever, but we got through it

Yet, we still haven't met
One day we will, I have no doubt. It will
Usher in a brand new day

~~Lord, Lord~~

Lord, lord, I'm frustrated today
Lord, lord, I ain't doing okay
I just need to calm down
Need to calm down

Lord, lord, the internet sucks
Lord, lord, it keeps getting stuck
I just want Ian here
Just want Ian here

Lord, lord, this was a bad idea
Lord, lord, it's like a chimera
Just need to end this poem
It's the end of this poem

~~Fear is the Cause of Separation~~

If we are afraid
We can't accept it
If we are afraid
We can't make it

Don't be afraid
We'll be fine
Don't be afraid
Just listen to this rhyme

Hold me close
I love you so
Hold me close
You will always know

How much I love you
How grateful I am
How much I love you
For making us not a sham

If we are afraid
We have to accept it
If we are afraid
We have to move past it

Ian, I trust you
With every bit of me
Ian, I trust you
To never break me

Don't think I don't know
How much you care
Don't think I don't know
That you are always there

In the darkness, we're okay
We move on to tomorrow
In the darkness, we're okay
This love is all we know.

~~I Have Faith~~

I think that for once we're fine
We have made it here
I miss you and we're okay
I can't believe this
Ian, we're okay
I have faith in you and I
I am happy with you
We are doing oh so well
This is getting good
We have come so far....
I think that we'll get even further
One day we'll be here
We'll be together my darling love
I will be with you
Ian mine, can you believe
In me as we learn to grow?
Before, things never had this strength
Before, I never had this
I never was equal
But right now
I'm trying to make us okay
I have faith we'll be okay

~~Happy Tears~~

I've wept before, I know the salt
I know the shuddering shoulders
The teddy bears clutched tight
The days spent remembering the faults

I know the nights of love and hell
Trying to forget
I know the nights of hate and hope
Wishing the ones I hate well

I know how much it hurts
But this is different now
I cry for a different reason
The tears, it just reasserts

How strong we are, at this stage
We have come so far
So many days and so many nights
So many words on a page

I love you so much
I can't seem to stop
Wishing you were here
I can never love you enough

To show you what you mean
Through all the hell and all the darkness
You have been my patient light
In your arms, I am made clean....

Clean of all the things I've done
All the tears I've cried
Clean of all my sins and forgiven
My innocence I have won

I love you and that's all I know
Thank you for being you
You're the one, that much is true
Three, two, one, here we go.....

~~Life and Light~~

Summer days, long ago nights
Memories pass through
Happiness inside of me
I guess this is alright

Memories that I once had
Things I used to know
I let them slip away
And blindly I am glad

Life without you is so deep and cold
I desire to see you
Joy with you and everything is good
To you I can sweetly hold

So many days I used to live
Laugh, and weep inside
So many things I abandoned
So much I tried to give

I need you right here with me
That's the one thing I know
Life in you and joy inside
I will give you everything gladly

Understand I am scared
All of this is new
Being equal is something new
I never thought I could dare

To stand by your side
Accept that this is true
It's distant, like a dream
But I don't want it to hide

I want the proof of me and you
To have us both together
I want to know we made it through
All the hell, forever staying true....

~~I Do Not Understand Suicidal People Any More....: Life Post~~

As you can see, I am having my own inner discussion on the subject of the most delightful of people I tend to run into: The suicidal people. I'm not entirely sure how openly I should be discussing this subject, especially considering I had my own amusing run-ins with this particular kind of insanity on my worst days.

However, I'm no longer suicidal. In fact, I am now incredibly happy, delighted by the world, and I am doing well. I have my Ian, who I have--by the way--known for around a year and five months. We started flirting about two months into us knowing each other. We got serious about us in December, so we really haven't been together that long....By the gods, we've gotten far in such a short time!

I love him so much...

Perhaps that's why I no longer understand suicidal people?

I'm truly quite happy with him. I no longer have drama in my life, I no longer have to deal with it....I am alright. I am HAPPY with him.

Life is good.

Next year, Ian and I will be together.

Next year, we will prove we have what it takes.

Next year, I can kiss him.

We can be okay.

So, until then, I don't get suicidal people. I'm quite happy with him, and that's what matters.

I adore you, dearest readers.

Monday, April 15, 2013

~~More Often Than Not~~

More often than not
I whisper your name
More often than not
I conjure your face
More often than not
I truly do miss you

Sometimes it feels
Like you've slipped from me
Sometimes it feels
Like it was a dream
Sometimes it feels
Like I have forgotten you

I never forget
How much you love me
I never forget
How much you care
I never forget
How good of a pair we are

I dream of you
And I, together
I dream of you
Smiling and holding me close
I dream of you
Taking my hand in yours

When I'm alone
I feel you here
When I'm alone
I call out to you
When I'm alone
I know you're here

I miss you
But it's alright
I miss you
But I know we're together
I miss you
But I know I can wait.... 

Friday, April 12, 2013

~~It is SNOWING--A Please Kill Me Post~~

As you can see from the title...

It is snowing here.

It is April twelfth.

And it is snowing.

Please kill me.

I don't want to live in this place on the planet any more. I don't like it here. It scares me and it saddens me greatly. Today is supposed to be SUMMER! It was WARM before! WHY IS IT SNOWING!?!?!

Yes, please god just make it summer here....

I also really miss Ian. He has lost both internet and electricity. Oh god, I wish.....I wish I could help him. At least it's above zero where he is...v.v

And he is a walking space heater....

I think he'll be alright.

I love you, Ian.

~~A Strange Fickle Joy~~

Distance is great, and loneliness is worse
Joy is inside, and there's daylight too
A bit of happiness, a bit of fear
It's worth it though, in the end

I'm scared and alone, but you're still here
I desire you by my side
I picture you hear, whisper your name
I love you now, in truth

I love you, and that's all there is
Whenever we're apart, I seal myself away
I get lonely, and that hurts
But yet, it's alright

Ian, we'll be together again
Just be safe and well, my darling
Don't you dare get hurt
I will make it until we return....

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

~~No More Pain....: Life Post~~

Uh, hello my beloved blog readers! As you folks may have noticed, I'm in a kind of odd situation. My blogs, from the very start, have been meant as lifelines for me in my worst moments. They held the truth that I couldn't speak myself, not to anyone. They kept me going, kept me kicking, and because of them I'm here right now.

I'm here right now because I had the strength to tell my story.

Unfortunately, I've found myself in a mildly amusing place....

There is actually no more pain in my life.

Therefore, I am left seriously wondering what I write about. Do I go on for thousands of words about my NaNoWriMo novel? Do I ramble about how happy I am with Ian? Truly, the question of what to do about Ted is the only one haunting me. Do I talk to him, yay or nay? Do I talk to him, yes or no?

The man I loved once....

The man I let go because of what was best for me.

Was it best for me?

Yes, yes it was. No doubt exists in my mind about that fact. With my relationship with Ian now edging into places I never thought possible--namely the coming prospect of us meeting--I'm pleased to say I'm doing incredibly well.


He makes me cry from happiness. No one has ever done that. I love him so very much....

Ian.....I love you.

No more pain to speak about, so what do I say? Do I began remarking on the lazy bits of news? What do I say to you?

Oh! Speaking of lazy bits of news, let me begin by listing off some things I may or may not have mentioned that have occurred!

  1. I am going by Ian's last name on Skype
  2. I am wearing the most beautiful black and purple shiny ring every day on my ring finger ((wedding ring, much?))
  3. We're getting a speaker tomorrow in the GSA
  4. We're hosting the Dare to Stand Out Conference next year--YES!
  5. I'm currently at page 93 in my NaNoWriMo Novel, and I'm at 22,003 words. Yay for me! Dear god I'm tired....

All in all, I am very very happy with my life. I love Ian a lot, and everything is going quite well....

I'm gonna end this post here, darlings.

Au revior~

~~Promise Me~~

Promise me you'll never abandon me
Never turn you back on me
Never lie and never harm me

I placed my trust in you
Even though it's fragile
With hope you would be different

Promise me you'll reward that hope
Promise me you'll love me
Promise me you need me....

~~Our Life~~

I try to think about the possibility
Of the world ending
But it's hard to force those thoughts

I try to form an opinion
On nuclear war fare
But I can't seem to bear it

I don't want to see this world burn
I enjoy it just how it is
I don't want it to end

I don't want to see this world die
There's so much left to live for
Even though we need a restart

I don't want mankind to end
Not in my life time
I want to see Ian first

I don't want mankind to suicide
Not when I have to die as well
I like living more than I'll admit

I don't want this to occur
Can't someone stop it?
Nuke North Korea if you must

I don't want to deal with this
With the chance of my blessed love
Perishing because of his country's war

I don't want this to happen
Can't anyone make it end?
Listen to me, won't you stop it?

Change the way the fates are
Make my worries disappear
Make the world safe again

Change the way mankind operates
The ways our hearts flood with emotion
An emotional state of anger and hate

Won't you make it stop?
Please, don't let this happen
In my life time.....

Monday, April 8, 2013

~~Camp NaNoWriMo~~

The snow has gone at last

It's getting warmer, the sun is out

Clouds drift through the sky

But I don't know what it looks like


Here I am, at my keyboard

Hunched over my desk

A cold coffee right beside me

That had been steaming hot


Here I am, at my laptop

Typing madly, during class

The teacher glares, but I don't care

I gotta chase that word count down


Here I am, it's four am

I'm just collapsing into bed

Here I am, it's eight am

And back to the grind I go


Just chase that word count

Who needs sleep? I have coffee beans

Just chase that word count down

Nothing else matters; not this month


At the end of the month, I'll apologize

To the people I blow off, but they understand

I gotta chase that wordcount down

I gotta chase that fifty thousand down


The words have got me enchanted

Plot points and bunnies dance behind my eyes

They beg me, they chase me, and away

I run, down the rabbit hole again


It's April again, and then it will be May

I'll make it there, and then I'll sleep

I'll make it there, victory in hand

And then I'll burn the manuscript


It's Camp NaNoWriMo, a month

Of writing like mad

Part hell, part block party

Just write on, until the end


I gotta chase this word count down

I have to reach my goal

Every thought and every feeling

I have to chase that word count down....

~~It Happens~~

Obstacles in your way
Taunting voices from the sidelines
The tears of those that fall
It happens

Darkness winning the day
Skinned knees and broken hearts
Memories haunting you
It happens

Life overtaking you
Moments inside that break
Hell within, but get through it
It happens

Everything is going wrong for you
No one seems to be there
But just don't forget
It happens

As long as you learn
As long as you grow
Get through what hurts you
It happens

Smile, and don't be hurt when they spurn
You and turn away
You don't need them
It happens

Remember to love you
Remember to smile
Remember that life goes on
It happens

What matters is if you stay true
If you let it break you, or not
If you move on, or not. Just remember
It happens....

Friday, April 5, 2013

~~Concept of Beauty~~

Perfect hair, perfect skin
Elegance and style
Easy laughter
Doe-large eyes
Soft, soft smile
An attractive, attracting power
What is beauty?
What is beauty to me?
Is it on the outside
Or within?
Is it seen
In the warmth of one's body
Or the warmth of one's soul?
A soul
Can be captured in a picture
With less ease
Than one's body
What can beauty be, then?
Inside, or out?
Is it in one's behavior
In one's own strength and inner power
Or in what most of the world perceives
With a single brief glance?

~~Regaining Wings: Life and Thoughts Post~~

Why is it that this lovely little corner of the web is named thus? At least, the URL is named thus.... The title of the blog itself comes from one of my poems at least a year previous.

So, tell me: Why is it known as "Regaining Wings"?

Is it because I feel like I'm....Fighting to heal? Is that why it is known this? Is it because I feel like I have lost my wings?


That is exactly why.

This is my story. This is my story, slowly healing and slowly becoming better. I think....I think I am getting my wings back.

I really think I am.

All I need to do to feel better is whisper Ian's full name. All I need to do to smile like an idiot is think about him and what will happen next year.

And what's that, you ask?

Why, meeting him of course! He's coming up here next year by Greyhound. He'll get a summer job this summer, and come up in the summer of 2014 for a month or so. By the gods....I will get to see him!

I will finally get to see him....

I'm not numb any more. I think I'm feeling.

I think I'm okay. :')

I love you all for listening...

Until later,


~~On Handling My Copy of The Asylum For Wayward Victorian Girls~~

  • Treat it delicately
  • Carry it using two hands
  • Treat it like your own child
  • Take great care to never get it dirty
  • Keep your hands clean around it

  • Open it too widely
  • Drop it
  • Get it dirty
  • Fold down any of the corners
  • Leave it open when it is not in use
  • Harm it in any way

I suppose you must be wondering why I wrote that. You see, I brought this delightful novel into school. Why? It's non-fiction. And why is it in school? Because I had to choose a non-fiction book to read in class, and so I chose THIS. Naturally, this means that all my friends are going to gaze in blank wonder at its awesome expensiveness....

God, I love this book!

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

~~No One Wants to Hurt Me~~

Tell me no more stories
I'm tired of being lied to
I'm tired of being used
If I'm an equal, then treat me
Then treat me well
I know you want what's best
But please don't hurt me
Don't do what I want you to
Don't lie to me, just say the truth
I don't want false hope
I don't want to put my faith
In you right now
Not unless I know
Every word you speak is true
I look into your eyes
Wondering, "Can I trust you?"
A weird exhilaration
Pounds through my veins
"I can trust you?"
"I can let you in?"
Everyone I've ever let close
Has hurt me
Without meaning to
They have hurt me
I have hurt them too
And I will make up for it
But scars never fade
You...You I can trust
You....You I will let in
Ian...Ian I'll let you in.

~~Yeah....Yeah This Works~~

So, next year?
Yeah, this works
Greyhound bus?
Sure, it'll take forever though
I'll ask for help
Oh my god, we're doing this
We can meet
I don't care what my friends say
It's wrong to doubt you
I can't doubt you
Ian...Dear god, Ian!
My heart's racing
I can't.....I can't believe this!
This works
This WILL work
Ian, my love....
You're one of the few people
On this planet
That I care about
One of the few
That makes me care
About anything at all
Ian....Oh Ian
My Ian....
I love you.
I really, really love you.

~~Clinging to Hope: Life Post~~

Not pleased with Sun-Jung right now. *Sighs a bit.* I just...CAN'T I EVEN HAVE HOPE?

Last night I did some research. Guess what: The cost of a Greyhound ticket from where Ian lives to here is $120 dollars. For a ticket back it's basically the same price, so it would be $240 dollars plus meals.

I can afford that. By the gods, I can afford that!

My parents won't let me go to him, but they'll let him come to me. Dear god this could actually work! He's turning eighteen next year and...and this could work! I would rather not spend all that but if Ian gets a job and if my friends are awesome it can and will work.

By my friends being awesome, I mean I know of two--Austin and John--who will be more than happy to help with the money. I WILL work my ass off to pay them back, but seeing as I have a hundred dollars a month allowance, birthday/Christmas/Easter money, and over 2,000 dollars in the bank I'm alright with that.

I can do this....

Next year, I can do this....

I can't stop smiling. I can see him. I WILL see him.

Now for the unfortunateness.

Sun-Jung is not helping. She's making me doubt. She has NO faith in this working. She says that I shouldn't have been so reckless. I told her, and when I realized she was doubting, I kinda quickly started doubting.

CAN I NOT FUCKING EVEN DREAM??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

~~10,000 Words: Life Post~~

Dear My Beloved Fellow Writers,

I am going insane.

I am planning to have written 10,000 words by midnight tonight.

Why? Because I am insane :)

Sooo....Wish me luck darlings!

Monday, April 1, 2013

~~One Hundredth Post: Remarking on Daily Life~~

My life is good.

My life is complicated.

But....I'm happy.

I'm a blogger, a writer, a Redditor, an artist, a Plague Rat...

Why do I feel the need to label myself?

I'm Ian's girlfriend, a lot of people's friend, Hugo's Alexandraboo, a handful of people's ex. I'm Raphael and Alakina's daughter as well as my real parents' child, the cousin of a few, sister to Figments and Xavier, and I'm me.

I'm me and that's what it really comes down to.

I'm me, until the end of the world.

I'm me and I'm writing my hundredth post on this blog. I'm not seeking views any more, I'm not so keen on them. I like being viewed sure, but I'm not fighting for it any more.

I'm doing Camp NaNoWriMo right now. I'm on 3,333 words...I gotta get to five thousand tonight, just so I can get ahead of the game. I'm planning on writing in school as well, so I'll quickly rack up the word count. If friendships suffer, then they suffer and I won't stop them.

My tone's changed here, hasn't it? Less emotional. Less to care about.

I think my life is simpler. Wake up, roll over and grab my phone. Soon as it connects to the internet, there's a message from Hugo on Whatsapp and bam I ain't alone any more. I wait and think about Ian, surfing Reddit at the same time. I blog, avoid thinking about Ted, and just move on. I just move on.

I'm moving on.

Finally, I'm moving on....

After so long spent broken, so long spent hurt, I am moving on.

I'm enjoying having a simple life....

A simple life....

I love you....