Tuesday, June 25, 2013

~~Abandon Me Not~~

Abandon me not, oh bitter-tasting poison.
Abandon me not to love.
Abandon me not to the sunshine
You seek to keep me from.

Abandon me not to the love
You insist is right there
Abandon me not to the lies
You whisper in my ear

Beauty, forgiveness--ah life!
Such a simple thing. I can't believe
I once desired to escape it.
I can't believe I once hated it.

Life is better now
Than life has ever been.
Things are not easy,
But things are not then.

Eerily calm, eerily distant
Do you know you lie?
Do you know you stay closed off?
Do you know you've said goodbye?

Bitter-tasting poison
Abandon me to love
Bitter tasting poison
Give me freedom.

I need not be bitter
I need not be fierce
I need not defend
So remove those walls from me

You still hide, as you
Have always hid.
Does he see it?
Of course he does.

He knows I'm learning
He knows I'm trying
He knows I'm young
He knows I'm worth it

How does he know
What you do not?
Give in to the poison
Let me drink your blood...

No one need know but he
I know he knows, for that's who he is
He knows I'm trying
He knows....

Be silent now, little wonder
Let me take you in
Let the shadow feed on you
And give you peace again.....

Who the hell do you think you are?
Butting in where you don't belong.
Madness, Madness, laughing wild--
Darkness, darkness, go home!

You have no home here.
No soul, tainted in depression
To claim
All I am is happy, and at his side

I have peace again.
I have no need for you, not any more
I can stand on my own.
Abandon me to love.

~~One Hundred Eighty Six Days~~

One hundred reasons to grow
One hundred reasons to love
One hundred moments to share
One hundred moments to treasure

Eighty six seconds of darkness
Eighty six hours of light

Eighty six heartbeats of pleasure
Eighty six sounds of joy

Days of darkness, days of light
Days where I've stumbled
But you've held me upright
Days where you've fallen
Days where we've wept
But always days we can't forget

I don't care how bad things get
I don't care where the road may lead
It will lead me to you
That much is true
And that is all I need it to do.....

You're the one I love
You're the one I need

I might talk with others, but you
You make my heart race.

You make my heart race...

I know that there's moments
Where I am alone.
I know that there's moments
When I lash out
I know that there's moments
When I act without thinking
But there's always moments
Of you loving me

That's all I need to know....
All I need to know.....
I don't care where we go--
Just be with me.

I believe that you, you and me, you and me
We've achieved a love that we, we can see....

So go find your path, take me with you
I will make sure no one hurts you
I need your ways, we deserve it
We'll depend on our love, here we go.....

I think you're worth staying for
I think you're worth living for
I think you're worth moving countries for
I think you're worth dying for
I think you're worth my lifetime
I think you're worth my dreams
I think you're worth my nightmares
I think you're worth my hope
I think you're worth my fear
I....I know you're worth me.

One hundred eighty six days....
One hundred eighty six moments
Of love.....

Six months to treasure
Six months to love
Six months to grow
And six months to fight.
I will find you....
Waiting for me
On the shore.
You're worth swimming for.....

I won't trade the world for anyone
But you.
I don't need the world.....
I don't need a thing
I just need you....
I submit to you.
Every piece of me.
I am yours.....
Until the very end of time.

~~Happy six months, my most amazing man.....

I love you endlessly.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013


Music--down or up?
Friends--down or up?
Love--down or up?
Up, up, up--
Caffeine intake!
Up, up, up--
Down, down down again....
Stress, school....
Jump off the swing,
Throw yourself
To the wind.
Let it carry you....
Let it bring you up....
Only to drop you down again.
Shriek, scream....
Don't let yourself fall
Down, down, down....
Swinging down, down, down....
No, no--clutch at the cliff.
Scrabble for a hold.
Any hold will do.
Just don't give up....
Bright shots of joy--
Live for them.
Gentle smiles--die for them.
Those little bright spots...
Little moments, free from stress....
Bits and pieces of pride....
That is how it needs to be.
That is how you will survive.
Survive the swing, hold on tight....
Watch normal pass you by.
Watch daylight pass you by.
Watch night pass you by.
Deal with hope.
Accept defeat.
Fight for what you believe.
Weep when you fail.
Weep when you win.
Clamber up the swing....
Reach the top....
And scream.

~~Not Just Me~~

DISCLAIMER: I usually don't put disclaimers, because I usually don't care about how my poems are interpreted. However, this time I think I need to....I'm under stress right now. I'm tired. People won't leave me alone. I don't want to deal with things. I don't want to have weird dreams involving Austin and cuddling. I don't want to have to talk to Hugo about his love life and his worries. I don't want to care about people right now. But I HAVE to. So this is my outlet. Ian, it's...not about you. I love you. I'm just...stressed. Really stressed......

I'm such a fool,
Playing by the rules.
Shots of dark,
And disease.
Shots of life:
Dead inside
Shots of hell:
Dead inside.
It's not just me.
Can't be just me.
Feeling this way.
So bad and it's
So dark.
It's never just me.
There's my friends.
They're young and they're laughing
They're laughing and they're naive.
I am young.
Yet, I am not happy.
But, I don't have
A corner
On suffering.
I don't have
A claim
To fame.
I'm just a kid.
And life is
I'm just a kid
And I am me.
It is not just me.
I am okay.....
I am okay....
I'm okay now!
It's all ok--
It's not oh fucking kay!
I don't want to fight.
I don't want to deal.
I don't want to work.
I don't want to feel.
I just want to fade
It's not okay!
It never was okay!
Walls and touches
Just back away!
If I said
It was okay....
I swear now
It was a lie!
It's just a fucking lie.
It's done now.
Don't love me any more.
I hate you, turn away--
Get away from me.
It's not just me.
It's you!
No, wait....
I take it back.
There's no escape
For me.
I'll look after you.
I will care for you.
I will be good to me.
It is just me....
Just me.
It's you that you care about.
You that you protect.
it's not me.
Never will be me.
I'm just your girl.
I'm just your slave.
I'm just your Angel.
And I won't turn away....
Let me love you.
Let me care.
That's all I know
How to do.
All I understand.
I'l be yours.
I'll be beautiful.
I'll give up
For you.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

~~I Guess It's Real~~

At every backlash, loss of dignity.
At every burn,
At every scar.
At every wound, every cut
Torn and torn and torn.
Every bit of me bared
To your gaze
Just so I can scream:
"Let me suffer you!
"Let me break myself....
"Let me please you....
"I beg you, please!
"Tear me with your love!
"Tear me in two!"
I scream and shriek.
Remake, remake, remake....
No, no I won't do this....
Do you want it?
I....I will.
No, no it's okay--
I don't need rest.
No, no it's okay--I don't care
If I'm dead inside.
Isn't that the very definition
Of dead inside?
No, no....
That's not me now.
I don't remake myself.
I don't change.
I don't lose weight.
I don't hate myself.
I don't dress to hide.
I don't look down.
I don't get scared.
I don't worry.
I don't fret.
Someone is always there.
Always there.....
I have him. He's right here
Beside me, until eternity ends.
No worries need cross my mind.
He will care for me.
He will treat me well.
He will do what I need....
He will.
I trust him with my life.
Every bit of wounded me,
I place into his hands.
If I can do this...
Willingly let him into my home...
Willingly hold him....
Willingly show him all I am....
Then, I guess....
I guess it's real.
I guess it's real.


Sometimes, when I cry
You don't answer me.
But that's okay, I am fine
Don't worry about me.
I am strong, I am alright.
I will find you.
I swear that I
Will find you.
I am beautiful. I am good
But I am still fighting.
I'm frightened, I know
But there'll be better days.
Six months is on is way.
Six months will be here.
Six month of changes and chances.
Six months of love and freedom.
Six months of happiness....
I don't want to give it up.
I don't want to leave you.
So I...I won't go.
You are the one I need.
Stay with me, love me.
I will be yours.
Don't choose me, don't be mine
Unless you're sure.
I will never ask for more.
If I am beautiful
Then let you be amazing.
If I am credible,
Then let me be true.
Forgive me all my trespasses,
And be prepared for trouble.
The hell I live, the hell I walk
Is not the end of me.
I'm ready, don't you see?
I'll take your hand if I can.
I will walk to you, I will
Run to you.
Leave behind all my dreams
All my memories....
Just give me something
To run towards.
Shine a light in the dark,
And call out my name.
Promise me beauty, pledge to me

Monday, June 17, 2013

~~When the Daylight Comes~~

One day, there's a chance
I'll lose this beautiful dream
This darling fantasy
This beauty.
One day, I might lose this....
One day, I'll have to go.
One day, we'll be done.
One day...
But it's not today.
Someone, let the day
Never come....
I don't want to let you go.
No, no don't say
That there's an end, but
Don't expect forever...
I give what I can.

~~I Promised a Miracle: Delivery Post~~

Ah, my darlings! How fares all of you? I wonder if you are well...I hope you are well. It seems I finally have some commenters...

Yes, yes I AM controlling myself.


So long silent!

So long spent wondering if there was indeed an audience out there for my strange, imperfect self. But apparently there is, and so it's time I finally make good on my promise: The miracle.

I finally smartened up, darlings.

I finally got my head on right.

Everything that happened to me ((Joseph being a scumbag, my first girlfriend Emily attempting suicide multiple times and driving me mad, the camming, the loss of innocence, Alexander, Simon...All of those things)) were not my fault.

It was not my fault.

I have NOTHING to be ashamed of.

I am beautiful.

I am wonderful.

And I am good.

I will never forget that again....I never will, my loves, I never will.

I suffered, burned, and wanted to die. I hated everything I was. Hated me.

I hated men, too. Those men who took my innocence in stride, bound me....Used me for their own will. Those men who ended me. Those men who killed me.

After Emily, I hated girls for a while, too. She used me, lied to me, left me, and broke me. And then had the nerve to say I was the one in the wrong.

Everything....I hated everything.

But right now....I'm happy, guys.

I'm happy.

I'm PROUD of who I am.

I am proud.

I made it so far....

Suffered so much...

And I am PROUD to be who I am. I am so proud of me....

I messed up. Fucked up. Hurt. Suffered. Lied. Cheated.

But I'm still right here. I did everything I could, every goddamn step of the way, to be as good as I could be. I never gave up. I never quit. I never said goodbye. I never said sorry. I never gave up entirely.

I'm still right here.

Why am I right here?

Because I deserve to be.

I am deserving of life.

I am deserving of love.

I am deserving of hope.

I am deserving of peace.

I am deserving of Ian.

THAT is the miracle.

I'm out of the darkness now.

Even though there is some thought going on among myself and my friends that I am schizophrenic and bipolar, I'm out of the darkness.

Besides, I will never be medicated.

Not ever.

Oh, by the way? A new page will pop up, entitled ~~The Summary of Me~~. For all those of you who haven't kept up from the beginning, need a refresher on what the heck I'm talking about, or just want an easy way to read the blog WITHOUT reading the blog, that's the place to be. I love you.

Thank you for helping me. In your silence, in your compliments, in your numbers, and in your hearts.

I owe you my life.

~~Life: Post~~

I'm stressed, cheerful, and happy. My life is going well. I'm stressed, and ready, and tired. So very tired. So very, very tired.

But! I'm okay. I'm kind of okay.

What's going on?

No idea.

Absolutely no idea.

I like cheese.

I have no idea what's going on.

I'm so inane.




Cheese, cheese, tomato, cheese!

What am I doing?

I don't know.




Whipped cream!




WTF is going on.

Nothing is going on.

Everything is going on.

I'm done now.

PS: Coffee, donuts, meatspin.com, 2girls1cup, and iced tea. :D

Friday, June 14, 2013


Don't let me fall, don't let me go.
Don't let me end, I'm not ready.
I want to fight,
I want to breathe--but don't think
I can do it alone.
I can rely on myself, yes,
But I need to lean sometimes.
I'm still so young; pity me.
Please, grant me your sympathy!
Take my hand, dance with me, I'll be yours.
Take my hand, pull me close, I won't fight.
Don't let me fall....
Let me fall....
I'm weak, I'm scared, I'm strong, I'm amazing.
I'm frightened, I'm frightened, I'm fighting....
I'm me.
I will be amazing.
I will be more.
I've suffered enough.....
Filled my cup of pain....
I want to spill it.
I want to hurt, I want
To wrench someone down with me.
I want to hurt, I want to kill.
I've suffered enough.
I've done enough.
It's my turn now to live--
And your turn to fall.
Your turn to scream silent screams.
Your turn to weep in the dark of night.
Your turn to sit on a bridge and dream of death.
Your turn to howl.
Your turn to regret.
Your turn to weep in your bedroom before
Facing your family
With a smile.
Your turn to burn.

~~Dancing to the Heartstrings of Apocalypse: Life Post~~

My, oh my, what a time I've had....What a place, what a life! Many people I have spoken to, many places I have gone....And all only through casual, restful conversation.

Casual? No, more....Formal. I've been speaking much with those who require my respect.

Namely, a Dominant. I'm fascinated, so very fascinated....


My choice was made long ago.

If I experience D/s, I experience it with Ian--the most amazing man I never saw coming.


That doesn't mean I can't keep talking to Sir Elim.

I'm...interested. Ugh, woof!

He's just refined. He's just...more than anyone else I've dealt with.

So far, he...terrifies me.

I can feel his strength of character all the way from here, and he's incredibly far away....

I have no willpower compared to him. I've got my protests and my shrieks, but if he ever ordered me to do anything, only physically blocking him would stop me from following his order.

He frightens me.

Other than that, I'm...tired.

I'm not sure how this will work, but there is a picture of my gargoyle Stephano.

Isn't he just ADORABLE? :D

He's about the size of a human child, and he's the height of my torso. His tail is not far off half a meter in length, I think....

So, basically he's big.

I don't know what to do with him when I take him home....

He's not painted yet, obviously.

I'll need to paint him on Monday, and then he oughta be done then...

Ah, exams are soon.

Travelling is soon.

Everything is soon.......

Crud. I'm not ready!

But I have to be.

It's end game.