Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Surprise! Guess Who!

Thought I left all of you, did you?

Well, I wanted to drop in on you.

I wanted to say:


I've been very happy. Happier than I've been in a long time. I'm in--finally--a much more stable relationship. My old guy, Shawn? Remember him?





Okay, uh, yeah.


Sorry, I'm still a little touchy on that subject.

Anybutts, I am doing insanely well. I am--of course--dating again. At least, unofficially dating. He is wary of long distance, which I do understand--and, after Shawn, I am wary of dating in general--so he and I are taking things as they come. We've known each other for years, and I couldn't be happier.

He and I have a lot of shared interests, spend a huge amount of time together....He's everything I could ask for in a human, and the best part is?

In all the time we've known each other, he has never done a single thing but make me feel happy, loved, and supported.

I can't get over how much I love him.

How much I need him.

I'm addicted to him....

He and I do plan on being life partners. We're polyamorous (which does make the whole long distance thing easier, at least in my opinion) but we've agreed he and I are a package deal. No matter what happens, no matter where we go in life, no matter who else we meet--he and I are a package deal, and we remain a package deal of happy fun times. Also, if there is marriage in the future of either of us, it's to each other.

Yeah, that's what I love about him--through good times and bad, through me dating others and me running to him, he's been right there by my side. V, my wonderful rock--and, potentially, the ONE GUY I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR ALL ALONG.


I can't believe it took me so long to really just...give in and love him. Realize that, even with how well I connected with Ian--and how well I seemingly connected with Shawn--V was always the one who I felt safest with.

V never made me feel anything but happy....

Okay, this is getting sappy.

I've lost thirty pounds. I've made good, and bad, choices. I have a new website, and a Facebook page. I'm happy with my life. I mean...I'm really happy with my life.

I'm doing well.

It's going to be a happy New Year....

With love and joy,

The Half-Mad Writer A. H. Wong

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

~~Surprise!!!--Life/Meta Post~~

These will not be the final words you ever hear from me, readers new and old. I love you, and I said I would never go.

So, I'm back again to haunt you with poetry and prose.

Go to my new website.

You will find me there.

I'm sorry I was gone so long, my loves.

I was in mourning for this place, and couldn't bear to write.

But I'm back now, and over the course of the next few days, all novels found here will be posted onto my new Wordpress blog.

With love and kindness,

Half-Mad Writer

Monday, April 28, 2014

~~This Blog has been Discontinued--Announcement and Goodbye Post~~

Due to the seemingly endless influx of spam, this blog will be closed. I have tried multiple times to cease this spam. If anyone has any following ideas, please do reach me at or leave a comment below.

Please disregard all following posts.

Except for the one that tells you the URL of my newest blog.

I'm so very sorry...

Have a final poem from me.

We had a good time.
I'm finding it hard to rhyme,
With these tears in my eyes.
They made my promises lies.

I said I would never go,
That you would always know
My every thought and sigh.
But now that time has come to die.

We had a good time, and I'll miss you.
When I had no one else, I had relied on you.
I took strength in your reading,
While you listened to my screaming.

You kept me so very safe,
And I never thought the bonds would chafe.
Now I've been released,
And I hate being freed.

I wish I could return
To a time I had come to learn
Was the best time of my life.....
It had saved my life.

Never forget me, or let me go.
Don't stop loving the girl you'd come to know.
Follow me wherever I may lead;
Listen to me forever, I plead!

Don't let this be goodbye.
Don't make your silent words a lie.
Follow me as I try to rhyme,
There is always going to be time.

This is the time to say goodbye.
I promise I won't fly
Away from you for long.
You'll never escape my song.

I love you all, in truth.
The path for me will never smooth,
But I don't mind--
I'll never leave you all behind.

Friday, April 25, 2014


Liar, whore, slut, skank--
Bound by laws,
Not by honor.
Is it wrong
To scream 'rape'
When it is wanted?
I try to pretend
That this
My fault.
I invite
The hands
The cruelty
The loneliness.
I invite it all,
But lie and say
I don't.
Am I wrong,
Or am I right?

~~Another World~~

I dream of a shining world.
Where happiness and love
Come in waves.
I dream of another world,
A place where I'm at peace.
I dream of a world
Where I am safe,
But I don't know
If such a world
Is there a place
Where I am happy and
Is there another world?
Is there the world
Of my dreams--
Of magic and light,
Of wrong and of right,
Of battle, and of peace?
Is there the world of my dreams?
Is there a place
For me?
Is there a place
Where I am one of many?
Where my sins
Are known,
And forgiven?
Is there a place
Where I am whole?
Is there a place
Where you are with me
Is there a place
Where I can finally
Fall asleep
In your arms?
Is there another world?
Is there a better world?
I want you to stay
In my world.
I want you to stay
With me.

~~Help Me Not~~

I'm happy here.
I'm happy
In my darkness.
I'm happy
In my light.
I'm happy
On the rollercoaster,
Tumbling from
Highs of
Perfect apparent sanity,
And lows of
Dark demise.
I'm happy tumbling
From high cliffs,
Unable to recall
Just how to fly
Until the very last instant
Before the spikes
Pierce my heart.
I am happy here.
I know you don't think so.
I know you believe
I'd be better off
If I accepted
Your assistance.
I know I need therapy.
I know I need to lose
Myself in pain
And drown myself
In pleasure.
I know I need to
Close myself off
More, or is it less?
Is it better
To be open
And let the light in,
Or closed
And keep the night out?
Teach me--
Is it better
To be me,
Or to be

~~Inside My Eyes~~

I gaze out
At the world.
I register little--
Seeming to not see
The teachers
The classmates
The stars.
I seem not to see,
But I do see--
Inside my eyes
A world of joy
And hatred.
Tied up and torn,
A prisoner
To my memories--
Would I live my life
Another way
Than this?
Would I choose
Anything different
From this?
I chose my sins.
I chose my lies.
I chose my comforts.
I chose my victories.
I chose to suffer,
While you--
'Noble' watcher--
Chose to grow.
I know I won't
Win the race.
I know I won't
Get as far
As you.
Simply because
I choose not to.
Why race forward
When the entire world
Is a hotbed
Of danger and death?
Why not calmly
Walk along,
Knowing that
There is no escape
From the darkness behind--
Just like
There is no escape
From the darkness
Inside my eyes,
I form a smile
And laugh as you wonder
Why I prefer
To be alone.

~~On the Wrong Page: A Free Verse Story~~

Ever so
You can't tell what's wrong,
Now can you?
You swallow, wondering why
My eyes sparkle and shine.
Is that a laugh
That can be called sane?
Is that something
You can measure?
Biting your lip,
You face me and wonder
Why I am so quiet.
Do I need a friend?
Do I notice there's a world
Surrounding me?
Is the distant gaze
I possess
Registering you,
Or a different place,
Different face?
Do you feel my gaze
Flicking over you?
Taking all of you
In, before
Not to bother?
You wince a little
At my coldness.
You see me smirk,
See me smile--
A hidden girl,
Her hidden world.
I am on the wrong page,
And you are watching
Me write the story
Of my life.
You are on the wrong page,
Wondering why
I'm smiling.

~~The Stories of a Girl~~

I am a writer, and I am fine.
I am mad, but you are mine.
You are the one I dance for.
You are the one I trust.
You listen to my stories,
And help my mind adjust.
I am growing,
My heart is shining,
And you've saved me from the dark.
Black on white--my world was so stark.
You've changed my mind,
And changed my soul--
Is it wrong to thank you
For making me whole?
You listen to my stories,
And tell me I'm amazing.
You tell me a thousand times
That I am all yours, and you are mine.
You tell me I'm lovely,
And listen with joy.
You turn to me and listen
To my words.
You are proud of me,
And I know I'm proud of you.
I feel good when I'm with you.
You make me happy,
You make me good---
I wish I could show you
What I couldn't do for anyone else.
I wish I could show you I love you.
I wish I could find the words,
But I can't find out how to be kind.
The words tumble from my tongue,
Far too cruel and cold--
You love me still, even though I know
You shouldn't love.
You listen to my stories,
And put up with my tears.
You soothe me and you tease me
For all my irrational fears.
You prove to me it's alright,
And help me through the night.
I absolutely love you.
You make me smile.
You listen to my stories,
But you don't know
You're the only reason
I'm telling them.
You don't know you are
My inspiration.
My fascination,
My temptation--
You are my love.
I listen to your stories,
And I hope you know
That I love you with every
Beat of my heart.

~~Internalized and Scanned--Life Post~~

As I write these words, I am doing a full-scale complete scan of my laptop. HOPEFULLY, that will stuck these annoying posts from popping up on my beautiful, virginal blog!


These include....









Is that clear?

I hope so.

Anywho, I have...updates on my mind and Figments.

Stepha and Cassandra have left my mind. One by one, all of them are disappearing--the contracts that kept them bound to me, and kept them helping me, became null and void when it became clear I was becoming saner. They are gone now.

I'm losing Nikita tomorrow.

Raphael will be the last to go, and he will leave in a month.

No, two weeks.


I'm ready for this. I'm ready to stop hearing voices, to finally become JUST ME again. I haven't been 'sane' (in the traditional sense) in my living memory. I don't remember a time before them, but soon, all I will know is a time after them. It will be hard to adjust.

After they go, will I be better?


Why are they going?

They're leaving because of Shawn. My life has found stability. I have found happiness. Of course there's frustrations, moments that are hard, and parts of life that cause pain and disappointment. But there's a lot of happiness, too. Of watching AN ENTIRE ANIME in one night (Madoka Magica, all twelve episodes marathon-style). There's good parts and there's finally the ability to love.

Yes, I'm....I'm able to say "I love you" again and mean it completely.

It took me such a long time to say it, but now I finally freaking mean it. I finally feel love again!

Am I better now, because of this? I guess I am. I guess I am finally making huge breakthroughs.

I'm amazing.

With love eternal,

Half-Mad Writer

~~How Did This Happen?~~

Here I go again.
Asking questions that
Go unanswered, of you, my friend.
Here I go again.

I'm wondering why
When I know the reason:
It doesn't take much to make me cry.
I'm wondering why.

How did this happen?
I thought I was stronger,
That my heart was on the mend.
How did this happen?

Did I become twisted?
Tied up and drowned,
Lost in my art and all I hid?
Did I become twisted?

I made mistakes.
Would I undo them
If that was a choice I could take?
I made mistakes.

I got hurt and I cried.
I fell in love again and again,
Found many that lied.
I got hurt and I cried.

I grew up, and got bitter.
I pretended it was okay,
As my cold heart doth shiver.
I grew up, and got bitter.

I fell in love, and I tried.
God knows I did my best
To show what was inside.
I fell in love, and I tried.

You held me close and saved me.
I lied and cheated,
And pushed you away from me.
You held me close, and saved me.

How did this happen?
I never thought I deserved
To be loved again.
How did this happen?

You saved my life.
You made it worth fighting,
And pushed away my inner strife.
You saved my life.

I owe you everything.
I hope that you understand
All the hidden meaning.
I owe you everything.


What do I believe in?
Do I believe
In some higher power,
Watching over me?
Do I believe
In someone judging me
As I dance for them?
Tossing challenges
In my face,
Teaching me
To cry,
And fight--
Do I believe
Someone wants to hurt me,
Or help me?
Do I believe in anything?
Asking questions,
Unable to think--
Do I believe someone
Can hear my voice?
I don't know what I believe.
If someone was there,
Watching over me,
Did they let me get hurt?
Or did they try
To stop me?
Did they comfort me,
Or hurl me
Into battle?
Do I have a belief
In anything?
Do I believe in anything
But myself,
And the foolishness
Of mankind?

Thursday, April 24, 2014

~~Candy-Sweet Faces Rewrite!--Life Post~~

Goodmorning, everyone! As you can see, my long-standing project of Candy Sweet Faces is continuing. I'll write the blurb down below, if I have the chance.

Wait, it seems that I'm STILL being hacked. Please disregard any posts that are clearly not made by my lovely self, as I'm not quite certain how they are still posting. I've changed my password THRICE on every account connected to Blogger--email, blogger, and Google. I'm not certain what else can be done.

Besides that, I really am focused on finishing Candy-Sweet Faces. When I get the chance, I'm going to write a set of timelines to keep important dates for the plot (as well as the main character's private lives) in order.

Yes, this novel/novels will require timelines.

Because they're going to be that complicated.

I'm not entirely sure just what will happen. I know there will be multiple character deaths, and a major expansion in the CSF universe.

SPOILER: Patients, policemen, a very specific reporter, and a travelling circus will mean a massive amount in the CSF stories.

I also might change the title of CSF. I like Candy-Sweet Faces, but I might also go for things like BLACK ROSE SOCIETY, THE SOCIETY OF BROKEN GIRLS, TO KILL A LOVER, BLACK LOLITAS, LOLITA UNDONE....

Forgotten Toffee, maybe!

It kinda depends on where this story ends. I'm not exactly sure where it will end, really....

I'm running through dozens of possible titles. I LOVE Candy-Sweet Faces, but I don't know how well it fits. I'm currently going through a list of about twenty possibilities with my friend Gary.

I need to run through a lot more titles....

So, yes, I will be rewriting this.

It WILL end up a trilogy.

I like the name Black Rose Hall.

Or maybe Damaged Goods.

Or Dying Embers. Which ends up becoming Spark in the Dark, and then Fire in the Night.

Or maybe False Angels.

I don't know....

We'll see!

Wednesday, April 23, 2014


Adoration, contemplation--
What does it mean to love?
I know my heart races,
I know i feel amazed--
What does it mean to love?
I'm in heaven when you kiss me,
But I'm in hell when you're away.
It hurts, my heart aches--
I run a thousand miles
Just to see you.
I destroy the world,
Just to see you.
I'm drowned in love and sensation--
Worship is in my heart.
I'll do anything you ask.
Just tell me you love me.
Just tell me you love me
As much as I believe
I love you....
I can't decide
If it's love, or if I should hide.
I don't know what
I'm doing right--
Am I doing something wrong?
Am I breaking you?
Am I hurting you?
Am I cold,
Or am I kind?
I don't know what's wrong,
I don't know what's right--
Is it good that I don't believe
I can live without you anymore?

~~I Blame You~~

You hurled me into war.
Too young to breathe,
Too young to scream--
You pitched me off a cliff,
And told me to fly.
I fell into the arms
Of enemies posing as friends--
Was it my fault I wound up hurt?
I blame you for not teaching me.
I blame you for not helping me.
I blame you for not seeing
I was too young to fly.
I blame you for my tears.
I blame you for my bitterness.
I blame you for my cold.
I blame you for my anger.
I blame you for my weakness.
I blame you.
I know it's my fault.
I know I could have flown.
I know I could have freaking SOARED--
But I blame you.
I blame you for not knowing
I didn't want to fly.
For not knowing
I wanted to cry.
For not realizing
I didn't want to win the war.
I blame you for
Making me feel like I was alone.
I blame you for abandoning me
To the enemies I should have fought.
I blame you for my scars,
Even though I held the knife.
I blame you.

~~Destroy the Broken Ones~~

We are the bitter,
We are the alone.
We are the ones
Standing side by side--
Let the first one to cry
Be the first damned.
Let the first one to scream
And regret
Be the first one dead.
Let the first one to breathe
Be the first one gone.
We are the broken ones,
So let's see us burn.
Take our hands
And lead us astray.
Lead us to the path
Of thorns,
And leave us there alone.
Let us destroy ourselves.

~~I Am Undone~~

I am a broken
Little ball of fluff and desire.
I am a lonely
Little child--
So why do you care?
Why do you pull me
Close to you?
Comfort me,
When everything else
Goes wrong?
Why do you tell me
It's all going
To be okay?
I'm a bitch,
I'm a whore,
I'm useless,
I'm cold,
I'm dead--
I'm no one, so
Why do you treat me
Like I'm perfect?
Why do your words say
That I'm absolutely perfect?
Why does your voice
When you meet my gaze?
Why do you grin
And laugh
Whenever I curl up
Close to you?
Why do you let me
Cling to you?
I am undone.
Why do you love me?

~~Not Only....~~

Not only me, not only you.
There's more
Than we could ever know.
You're watching
From behind the shadow,
Waiting for the sunlight--
Don't you know
It will shine
On more than you?
Don't you know
It will reveal the world?
We aren't the only ones
Here in love.
We're not alone.
We aren't alone in love.
Surrounded by others,
We embrace
And keep each other close.
We feel whole,
We feel broken--
We dream
Of forever,
While waiting
For the past
To repeat.
We don't know
Where we're going--
We only know
We don't like where
We've been.
We can't guess
At tomorrow--
All we can do
Is fight for today.
You are my lover,
Let me be your bride.
Let me be your whole world.
Let me be yours--
And I swear
I will
Love you.

~~Halfway Broken~~

I think I'm sliding out.
My mind is losing it.
I can't make sense
Of who I used to be--
But there's something
Wrong with me.
I remember the sadist,
I remember the cruel
And the cold--
Is that who I am?
I thought I'd
I thought I'd
Stopped this....
Wasn't I
Wasn't I
Better than this?
I don't want
To tear them in two...
So why am I
So tempted
To make them scream?
Why do I
Want to hear them cry?
Why do I
Want to end their lives?
I'm halfway broken,
But I thought I
Was so close to whole....
I thought I
Was better.

~~"Hostile Heights" by Raphael~~

The heavenly skies tower over all of humankind. 
The heavenly skies watch over you--
Can you feel their dark eyes
Shimmering as they pass over you?
Hands on their swords,
Their black wings spread wide--
Can you sense them watching you?
Watching you lie and cheat,
Watching you run red lights,
Watching you kill and screw--
Don't you know they're watching you?
You can't escape their measure.
You can't escape their eyes.
Measure is unceasing,
And it's all of you.
They watch you,
They know you--
They know what you say,
They know what you do.
Hands on their swords,
They are watching you.
Sparring each other,
Preparing for war--
Can you feel them
Watching over you?
Can you feel them smiling?
Can you feel them laughing?
Displeasure and pride,
Measure and rewards--
Can you feel them shaking their heads
As they're watching you?
They know everything you do:
Can you feel them smile?

~~Momentary Depression~~

It hurts now,
But you're thinking
It's just fine--
Didn't you believe
Me when I told you
Everything would hurt?
You're losing it,
It's just fine,
But you're realizing
At the same time
That you've lost it all.
You call it your own,
But you're so wrong--
You're playing my game,
Unable to dance.
I won't make you scream,
I won't please you--
I'll silence you,
And end your dreams.
I'm not sorry.
I'm just caught
In momentary depression--
Anything I can do
To ease the pain
Will be done.....

Thursday, April 17, 2014

~~Happy Dead Bunny Time~~

Whee! I'm losing my mind,
I'm losing control.
It feels so good
To admit I'm not whole.
I wanted so bad
To make myself hurt,
That now that I'm bleeding:
I can tear it all apart.
Completely supportive,
Completely whole--
I'm so glad I changed
And made myself worse.
Drowned in sadism
And in sin,
It's so nice to feel
Like I'm dying
To be here.
I'm dying to be here,
To feel like I can
Destroy you.
I want to destroy you.
You think I'm sweet,
You think I'm good--
You think I'm noble,
But I'll hurt you worse
Than anyone else
Ever could!
I'll be your slut,
I'll be your skank--
I'll be your sinner,
Even though you'll always say:
I'm your Angel.
I'm your angel?
I wish you could see,
That I'm just a dead girl
I wish you could see
That I died and came back
A hollower version of me.
(And no, I'm
Not sorry....)
I'm not sorry I'll
Break you in two.
I'm not sorry
I'll lie to you.
I'm not sorry,
Not sorry at all....
Now let yourself
Burn inside.
Let yourself
Burn inside....
Let yourself.....

~~Sweeter Sins~~

I can be your whore.
I can be your broken girl--
Let me be your dreamer.
Let me be your whore.

I want nothing more
Than to please you.
I want to hate you,
I want to love you.

Let me be your whore.
Let me be your broken skank,
Your bundle of lies
And oh-so-fake.

You know you want me,
You know you need me--
So let me be your hatred,
Let me be your sin.

I swear to you I'll be kind.
I won't leave you
And push you all behind.
Let me be your darkness.

Let me be your darkness.
I'll drop to my knees,
Do as I please.
Let me be your whore.

~~What's Been Going On?--Life Post~~


My darling readers, April has not been my month for posting. It really hasn't. Most of you are probably wondering just what aspect of my life has tugged me away from you this time, but I'm afraid I can't really answer that. Well, a good guess would probably be to blame webcomics.

Blame the webcomics EVERY EFFING TIME.

They're destroying my ability to focus on anything and everything. So very, very tempting to just click...and read...and read...and read...

And then there's the mangas....

I really read too many mangas.

Currently, I'm praying that the manga Kamisama No Iu Toori gets an English release. It's a wonderful Horror Survival Manga, and it's downright horrible. Think Battle Royale mixed with challenges in the line of Saw, and you'll get what I mean. It has the same horrible despair and meaninglessness that one might get at three am, when there's no one awake in the entire effing world but them....


Okay, so I'd look that one up, if I was you. It's an incredible manga.


It's due to get a live-action movie.

Oh god.

I can't wait to see it, but at the same time, I want to cry so very much. It will be one of the most brutal movies I've ever watched....If it WASN'T live action, I'd be perfectly fine. But, because it is.....I don't have a hope. I've seen brutal, horrible things in anime and manga form....

But not in live.

I couldn't even get through until the actual medical procedures in Human Centipede.  Hell, I dropped out at the slideshow where he was describing what he was going to do. (I still want to finish that movie, actually. I just need to get the time alone to do it. I also want to watch A Serbian Film, which is widely regarded as the most disturbing movie of ALL EFFING TIME.)

I wish I was still getting counselling. I think I'll need it after these movies.

And I still can't believe I haven't seen *any* of the Saw horror franchise. I ought to--they're so iconic that they're almost a requirement for connoisseurs of Guro. (AKA gore porn.)

Okay, so other than this, I've been alright. I made a slightly disturbing discovery, though--my lovely boyfriend Shawn looks almost exactly like my very first boyfriend Ted. Well, *I* didn't do that intentionally. When Shawn and I started dating, way way back on Christmas Day at three or four am, he and I had maybe Skyped once in our three year friendship. And I had a few pictures of him, but none that were exactly recent.

And now, looking back at pictures of Ted, I realize I really have just gone backwards. I may have moved up in the world (YAY FOR SHAWN BEING SUCCESSFUL!), but Shawn still just looks like Ted to me. And now that I've seen the resemblance, I can't go back to unseeing it.

I can't get it out of my mind.

Just great.

Hey, so guys.....I'm sorry I've been away.

Forgive me?

With love and brown eyes,

Half-Mad Writer

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

~~Headache and Frustration~~

I've never been so tired.
My head has never
Hurt so much.
Nails in my
Behind my
A meaningless
Snippets of sound.
You bring out
The worst in me,
So why
Do I love you?
You turn me
Into a person
I hate--
But I can't even say
I've been happier
Than I am now.
By your side,
Life makes sense.
Life makes sense,
So why does
My head ache?
Why does my
Heart ache?

~~To Fly on Black Wings~~

I've been working
So hard.
My mind
What is
What kind of
Did your twisted,
Make me into?
I was
An angel--
But now,
How much have
You bent
My halo?
Did you finally
In snapping it
And sending me
Over the
Did you
Break me?
Did you
Shatter me?
People say
I'm such a sweet,
Sweet girl.
I couldn't
Do the things
I do.
Couldn't possibly
Play the games
So well that
I break and destroy
Whomever I choose,
Whenever I
It will hurt the most.
Couldn't possibly
Be evil,
Be broken.
Be cruel.
I couldn't
Have become
This bad--
But the racing
Beat of my
Begs to differ.
I'm such a
Such a
Little, little
Broken liar.
I'm a sadist.
A player.
A whore.
A skank.
An angel?
Not an angel.
I can fly,
But my wings
My wings

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

~~Perfect Faith~~

I'll be just fine.
I've just lost my mind...
Caught up in the end of the world,
Waiting to watch it burn.
I'm drowned in the nothingness,
And I'm caught up in the wait for death.
I'm burned and weeping, wondering
Whether or not I'm doomed to fall.
I need help, and I need faith.
I need to survive, so I can remain.
I don't feel well, and I'm dying inside--
Won't someone convince me I'll be alright?
What will be the trigger to push me
Over the edge again?
What will be the trigger to ruin
My entire life?
What will happen that will ruin me?
Am I strong enough to take it?
I'm not strong enough to take it.
Not strong enough to save myself.
I'm lost and torn, and broken, too.
I can't handle this, not anymore.
My mind is sore,
My mind is weak.
I'm broken down, and you're making it harder
For me to scream and think I'm heard.
I don't think anyone cares.
No one believes in me.
No one thinks I'll be okay.
No one knows what to do,
And no one can stop it from
Going so very wrong.
I'll never be okay.

~~I'm In Trouble: Life Post~~

I'm in trouble, guys. Very deep trouble. Most of you know about the camming stage of my life, yes? It was mentioned in Raphael's post entitled "Alexandra" all the way back on A of the A-Z Challenge.

I'm terrified because someone is determined to ruin my life. Basically, he's mad at me because I refuse to serve him anymore.

Which means that he is now determined to ruin my life.

Let's drop in a quick run-down of what happened to Amanda Todd:

She, after becoming internet-famous for her singing videos and for being a cute kid, flashed a crowd of people on a live streaming site. She was thirteen. She was only thirteen.

Someone got  a screenshot of it, and posted her topless picture onto the internet. It ended up on a porn site, and then some blackmailers found it and went on to ruin her life. They sent it to her Facebook friends, including her mother. They sent it to her teachers via email. They did everything to her, just so she would have to strip on cam for them again. She never did.

She was eventually driven to suicide because she was continually called a slut. have this video for more info.

Okay, so uh...


Guys, I don't know what to do.

Do I close down my blog?

It has EVERYTHING I don't want people to know. All of my secrets and all of my sins. All of my pains and scars. I don't want to close this blog, because it's my danged BABY. I love this place, and I can't let it go....

But I need to keep myself safe.

What do you guys think?

I've already blocked this asshole on Facebook, and I'm changing my privacy settings so no one can see my friend list. It might not be enough protection, but....It's some, at least.

Any tips on how to keep myself safe?

~~Am I a Horrible Person?~~

Am I cruel,
For taking what is offered?
Am I evil,
For breaking hearts
And ruining minds?
I never did anything
But play with toys
I'm given.
Am I a horrible person
For wanting to break
I won't hurt those
Who aren't easy to hurt....
Unless they offer themselves,
I won't hurt
A single soul.
I will not harm anyone
Who doesn't make it easy.
I'm not sorry at all,
If I make you cry.
I'm not sorry at all.
I'm not sorry at all
That I ended up becoming
The kind of person
That destroys
People like I used to be.
I turned horrible.
I turned cold.
I turned everything
YOU knew I would.
You, you sadist and asshole.
You, you controlling bastard.
You, you are my lover.
You are my boyfriend.
You knew I would turn out
This way,
The second you said
You could love me.
You knew,
And you let me
Become changed
Into the one thing
I hate the most:
A horrible person.


What does it mean to die,
When all the others do is cry?
What does it mean to move on
And finally say goodbye?

Is it possible to turn back
And undo the things you've done?
Or is the battle lost,
Never to be won?

Is it important to feel
Like you mean something?
Or is it better to believe
You feel nothing?

Is it good, or is it bad,
To wonder why we try?
Is it better to just move on,
Or better to call it all a lie?

Don't touch me if you
Want to survive....
I've been lost,
Become one of the hive.

I'm lost without you,
But it doesn't mean a thing.
Go right on ahead,
Just keep on running.

We've been lost to all their lies.
We've been torn by the ties that bind.
We can't move, and we can't breathe--
We are all but deaf and blind.

We've been lost to humanity,
And been gained by the end.
We haven't gotten far--
We barely made a friend.

We burned the bridges,
And scoured the rooftops.
We lost ourselves,
And there's no one that can stop.

We can't stop the end of the world.
We can't save ourselves.
We're lost here, left alone.
Our hearts are put on broken shelves.

Forgive us, we want to scream.
Forgive us and make it a dream.
Take away our nightmare,
So it is better than it seems....

We are soulless, left here alone.
You stole from us
All we had ever known....
Why do you hate us?

We never did anything
But want to love you.
We never did anything wrong.
We just wanted to know you.

~~A-Z: "Greater Good" by Endo~~

Hello. My name is Endo. I am the newest member here at the Mansion, and it is a sincere honor to be permitted to speak with all of you. Today is the seventh day of the A-Z Challenge, excluding Sunday, and it is clear that Alexandra has not been entirely on her game. She has been sick for the past few days, and I am sincerely hopeful that she will be permitted to continue in this challenge.  She is a lot healthier now, however, if a bit concerned about the schoolwork she has missed. I am doing my best to keep her calm, however, as I am the only one who can.

You see, I am every last bit of her that desires peace and quiet. I am her meditation and her normalcy, and her inner sense of coolness. She has had me for a very long time, but she never truly knew I was actually separate from her, as the others are. She never realized i was another self until I began to speak with her.

Now, I shall begin my post upon the subject of the greater good.

We are all forced to make choices, are we not? We are made to choose between the good, and the bad--even though the choices we make might cause harm.  We never truly want to end up hurt, which is typically how things end up going wrong. You must choose what blows to take and which to dodge; the fist you dodge is the one that finds another target. Do not live selfishly, my friends. Live for your friends--don't do the weak thing, and die for them.

The greater good is a hard thing to describe. Does it encompass all of humanity, or all of the world? Does it encompass animals and the environment, or just humanity itself? Does it include space, or just our little marvelous marble?

Is something that is better for man worth doing, if it harms the environment?

How would you define the greater good, or would it make yourself just feel better? Would it be a crime to see whether or not what you want would improve the world?

Personally, I think that there is no such thing as a greater good. We cannot be summarized into just one party or group. The world is far too large to be put into one category, and this is the only way to cope. We can only cope this way....

Humanity needs to focus on the long-term solutions. You can't hide behind decisions that fix things for a little while. If you want to help, help the planet before helping humanity. The greater good is the environment, if you must have a so-called greater good.

We all see ourselves as noble beings.

Apply that nobility to the world.

Save the world.

Yours with love,


~~Do Not Break Me~~

Don't even think for a second
I'll forgive you if you threaten me.
I'll forgive you
If you leave me alone.
I'll forgive you if you
Turn away from me.
I don't want to end up the way
You want me....
Please don't break me.
I'm not ready
For a war.
I'm not ready
To be cut out
And thrown away
From you.
I'm not ready to give
On myself.
Please don't leave
Me to die here
On my own...
I thought you loved me.
I thought you cared.
I thought you would
But I was oh-so-wrong.
I never wanted things
To turn out this way...
Why won't you let
Me go?
Why won't you let
Me escape
From this place?
Why won't you let me go?
I can't handle this anymore....
i want to escape
From your clutches
But you won't
Let me go.
Let me escape
From you,
Please let me go.
Please, please
Let me go.

~~I Handed You Over~~

I turned you in.
I didn't realize
I'd end up
Hurting you,
And dragging
You down
With me....
I didn't realize
It would turn out
The way it did.
I thought I was safe.
I thought,
But I was
So very wrong.
Don't hate me for
Saying too much.
Don't leave me here
I never want to
Be alone.
Please don't make me
Be alone....
I need you so much.
I need you,
My loving man.
You are the only
One for me.
Please don't leave
Me alone.
I need you.
I never wanted things
To turn out this way....


I still love you. Yes,
I'm screaming and,
Yes, I'm scared;
But I still love you.
Can you tell
I've never turned
My back on you?
I've never sworn
To end what we've begun.
Who could have known
We'd end up this way?
Both so bitterly broken?
You bring out the worst
In me, because that's
The best in you.
You a wonderfully horrible man,
And I wouldn't trade
You for a saint.
(I always knew
I'd prefer the
I prefer the sinner;
It's far more fun
To burn in hell
Than to dance
In heaven.
I'd rather hurt,
Than love.
I'd rather kill
Than save.
I'd rather win
The dirtiest game,
Than finish last.
I don't want to give up
A single damned thing--
Not anymore.
I won't lose
Ever again:
I'll keep fighting.

I still think
Of myself as good....
I still think of myself
As an angel
With a slightly bent halo.
I know it's unfair
To hurt the people
Who only want to love me.....
But that doesn't mean
I'll stop.

You bring out
The worst in me,
Because it's the best
In you.

As unfair as
This is,
As unhealthy as
This is:
I won't turn
My back
On you.

I love you so.

You are my wonderful man.
And I am your
Broken angel.

~~You Are My Sword~~

Hello, I'm your soldier.
Will you be weapon?
Will you be the one I
Use to defend
All the things
I don't believe in?
Will you be the one
I swing to tear his heart
In two?
Will you be my weapon?
Will you be my soul?
I'm losing the part of me
That doesn't like to kill.
I'm gaining the parts of you
That want to tear
His heart in two--
I'll be your soldier,
If you teach me how to fight.
Will you be my teacher?
Will you be the one
To show me how to best
Destroy everyone
That is determined
To break me away
From you?
Will you take me
Away from this bitter
Will you hurl me
Into battle,
So I can prove I'm deserving
Of you?
Will you be my weapon,
So I can be your shield?
I won't let myself
Break down.
I won't fall apart--
Be the weapon
I use
To tear this world apart.
Be my sword.


You betrayed me, you know.
You turned away from me.
You swore you'd never
Hurt me--but that
Was so a lie.
I thought
I could trust you--
I thought I'd
Be just fine. I thought
You would forgive me,
And understand why
I had left your side:
It wasn't because
I didn't love you,
But because
I needed to
Be away from you.
I never meant
To hurt you.
I swear.
Please forgive me,
And do not do this
To me. I cannot take
The things you plan to do
If I do not fight
To please you again.
Do not turn your back
On me. Do not hurt me.
I thought I had meant
More to you
Than this.
I thought I
Could leave you
if I knew it was best.
I thought I hadn't
Gotten myself so ensnared
In your clutches
That I would never be able
To leave.
It is best for me to go.
I love another, serve another--
Please don't
Hate me anymore.
Don't hurt me anymore.
Just let me go.
I stopped serving
I never stopped
Loving you....
But that doesn't matter
Please let me go.
I know I betrayed you....
But don't betray me.
Don't make me hate myself
For trusting you.