Sunday, March 31, 2013

~~One Day More: Happy Birthday Post~~

I can't believe it. By the gods, I'm sixteen! I'm legally allowed to have sex and drive! Haha, weird how those two go together....And isn't it odd that we're legally allowed to have sex before we are allowed to drink? Well, in a weird way, I suppose that that makes sense.

I meant to post a lot more today but....I couldn't get the willpower to do so.

Ted called me after I got home from dinner today. And...I just....

I just broke.

I'm alright....

I'm...alive right?

I'm...I can't talk about it loves, I'm not ready to.

More to come tomorrow...

Saturday, March 30, 2013

~~Happy Easter, My Beloved World: Life Post~~

Ian, will you please wake up sometime soon? You're sleeping the day away again, my gamer love....I miss you and god it's good to know that I CAN miss you. That I can long for your company, and the others that talk to me never being quite enough. It's maybe not love, maybe not yet, but hey it's a start right? It's a start to happiness and that's...all that matters to me.

I'm on the road to regaining my wings.

I will fly. I will make it. I was put through hell and god knows I have more than earned some revenge but it's not revenge I'm seeking. It's life. Life and love and god I love this world! I love this world....

Even though it's crumbling now, even though we have destroyed it and ourselves in the process, I love this world.

When it burns, I will take Ian's hand and we will dance in the flames.

If that's not love, if wanting to spend the last moments of my life with him isn't love, then I don't know what love is....

Do I know what love is?

To me, it's been lust and longing. Tragedy and distance and a hell of a lot of half-mad hope. Promises broken and promises made, just to cling to the idea that I am not alone. That I will never be alone again. To me, that's what love was. When I lost it it shattered me, for I gave everything I had just to not be alone. Just to not be alone.....

But right now, I'm never going to be alone again...Right?

He's always watching over me, dreaming of me....He always is. He ALWAYS is...

He can make me laugh with a word. Make me think with a statement. He can make me blush with a look. He can save me just by believing that I will make it....

Ian.....I love you, as much as I can bear.

I'm never going to desert you....

I need to need you.

I want to want you.

I would love to love you.

I would trade everything I have for you.

For you, Ian, for you.


My Ian.

So far away from me but yet so close, just out of sight....

Happy Easter, darling.

May it be a good dance when the world ends.


To me, your name
Is the perfect thing to murmur
An incantation, a spell
A Promise
You are the Promise
After so long

Drifting forsaken and forsaking
I stumbled upon you

And god knows I clutched at you
You kept me afloat
When the waves of the world
Wrenched at me and turned
Me inside out

Boiling black
A tsunami of tea leaves and tears

You, you dragged me

Through my worst times
Lifted me up

Gave me the will power
To shine and shiver and sing
I know you always say
That I am your light
But you are mine
Even though right now I'm drifting
Lost and confused, everything
An illusion spawned
By my pain-addled mind
Something I can't quite trust
But what I want to run to
Whenever I think of you
My heart is clutched
By a warm hand
A Promise of feeling
A Promise of more

A Promise of something different
Something real

God knows I have done wrong
Lied and hid from you
The one person I should never hide from
But yet you're here
You accept me, for all my pain-flooded
Tossing and turning self
My moments of forced laughter
Delirious abandon brought on by exhaustion
You accept me, and Ian
Ian, love...
That's all I ever want.
I want to love you
I want to hold you
I want to be there with you....
I want you
I will always want you.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

~~Nothing to Do...: Life Post~~

Um, hi guys. I have......Nothing to do. I have nothing to do. Unless I have homework in art or civics class--which I sincerely doubt--I will have basically nothing to do in my sixth period spare.

So, expect mucho grande amounts of posting, orrrrr......Just talking to Ian. Probably just talking to Ian.

Or maybe drawing?

And posting pics of the drawings?

Either way, I'll see y'all later~

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

~~Please Understand How Much I Love You~~

I can never find a title
For my mind works not in that way
I can never find something to call
The random thoughts that slip so swiftly away

I can never find a place
To snatch the darkness
I can never find out how
To reveal the brightness

I try and attempt
To speak through words and deeds
All never quite close to being enough
To fulfill my reader's needs

I know I get close sometimes
For my views number quite high
But I know not the beauty
That can be shown with a startling lie

Instead, I always attempt to be honest
Nothing good ever came out of hiding
Even though a lot of it is rough and untamed
It's a good deal better than lying

Please listen, for I have words to say
Please watch, for I have things to do
Please believe, for I cannot lie
Please understand how much I love you. 

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

~~An Idea of Beauty: Life Post~~

Am I...beautiful? That's a thought that has been going through my mind for god knows how long. I have a lot of issues that have been discussed here--mental, physical, emotional, etc.--but this is definitely going to be one of the reoccurring ones. I'm always going to be wondering if I'm beautiful. I'm always going to be wondering if I'm amazing.

Maybe, one day, those emotions will change....

I don't know if they will or not. I know that I hope they will though. I want to be happy. I want to believe I'm perfect. As perfect as Ian makes me feel....But, that's not right now is it? I should be secure in myself. Secure in the knowledge that I am beautiful, that I am good. I should be secure in that. I should never feel worthless--to walk that road is to take steps closer to shattering. Steps I have worked so very hard to undo....

Can I ever believe that I am beautiful?

I have been told I'm hot, sexy, tempting....

I've been lusted after, men have worked to claim me, but have I ever believed I was beautiful? I've stared at myself in the mirror, wondering at my small breasts and pot belly, the not-that-great-legs and wondered: How do so many want this? How do so many want me?

But then my eyes focus on my hour glass waist, and I turn to the side and look at my image. Alright, all I need to fix my body is that dammed pot belly....

And that's easy enough to fix! Work out again, watch what I eat, and bam I'm all set! Not like I haven't had to fiddle with it before....

All of what I just wrote was written out of my insecurities. My accursed hatred of my body, my worries of: What if I'm not enough?

What if I'm not enough...?

What does Ian SEE in me?

I'm scared....


Wait, no. Don't think like this Alex, don't. He loves me for everything I am: Curves, pot belly, small breasts, and all. And really, is a C that small? Not really.

He loves me and if he sees me as beautiful, if all of them were attracted to me, than I must be beautiful.

I must be beautiful.

I am beautiful.

~~Go To Sleep: Two Sonnets~~

I never believed in her
Never believed she was real
She tore me from my tether
I cut her so she could feel
She tore me from head to toe
Pulled me down to her level
Told me she loved me, though a fool would know
How much of a lie that was, how much trouble
But yet I know I'd still listen
I know I would still believe the falsity

In her, I can find a place to fasten
My rope, and keep myself dangling above the agony

But she never believed in me
And now she walks away sleeplessly....

Inside, I run, try to hide
Outside, I dance
Within, there are no lies
Without, I have not a chance
But I'll just go to sleep
It won't matter when I wake
My love, he will keep, he will keep
He will keep me from taking
My life, my life
With this blasted gun
Or maybe his precious knife
I thought he had been someone
That I could really trust
But there was no one that was just....

~~Swamped: Life Post~~

Hey y'all, taking a quick break from working to let you all know I won't be able to post much.

Soooo, I'm posting to tell you I won't be posting....Yeah that's terribly logical of me, now isn't it?

Well, I have a project due Thursday, a test Thursday, and that's it.

So, I'll talk to you loves later!

Monday, March 25, 2013

~~STONE GATE: Chapter Sixteen--Beginnings~~

A few days pass. The madness comes and goes, but I’m learning to control it. I heal the wounds outside and in, practice my skills with the Key, take watches along with the other Sourcerors and soldiers on the Stone Gate. The most powerful are rebuilding it, to the best of their abilities.
A thought occurs to me and I frown, before going to find Taurion.
I find him kneeling at the grave of his son, where he has been for the past day or two. I’ve given up on trying to convince him to eat and sleep—most of us have. I sit down beside him, looking at the newly-grown grass.
“He really loved you….” Taurion says, not looking at me.
“And I really loved him.”
“Not in the way that he loved you.”
His eyes lift, looking at me harshly.
I drop my eyes, unable to meet his eyes.
“I am sorry.” I force out, and stand up, and turn to go.
Taurion places a hand on my arm. “You came here with a question, son. Ask it.”
“Who built the Stone Gate in the first place? Why are there so many Sourcerors being trained?”
“The Stone Gate was created when the world was. In all these years, this is the closest it has ever come to being opened. The Sourcerors are being trained for war—it’s a big world out there. We’re being sent out to explore it. Before long, there should be very few Sourcerors left in this country. Only enough of us will remain for defense. You will be sent out on board a ship sometime this year. You’ve been well trained—we can trust you more after what’s happened.”
“Taurion, when Liandros and I came to see you, you told us about the Stone Gate. Why?”
Taurion smiles, and shrugs. “It doesn’t take a madman to see that sometimes the world needs to end.”
I leave him there, by the grave of his son.
Nalika joins me on my walk back.
“So they can trust you outside now?” I ask her, eyeing her casually.
“I’m under constant supervision, Kelree. I can never be trusted. And neither can you,” she replies easily, “And neither of us should be trusted. We are Sourcerors. All of us are mad.”
“It’s the Lady of Slemerria who should be called mad—she’s ordering more of us to be trained every day.”
“Mad or ambitious—both are the same thing. It’s a big world out there—even if it needs to be over, it should at least be explored first. And anywho, sending Sourcerors out to explore it keeps them far away from where we can do any real damage. Keeps us busy, too.”
We walk in silence.
When we reach the doors of the manor, we find a young woman leaning against a wall, eyeing me darkly. She approaches, kissing my hand when I offer it. “My name is Liana. I’m to be your traveling companion when you’re sent out into the world—I’ve been told to keep you relatively sane. But none of us sane ones have our hopes up.”
And the rest, my dearest wife, you know.

~~STONE GATE: Chapter Fifteen--Endings~~

Obviously, the world doesn’t end. Obviously, the world goes on. But it will never be the same again.
We reach the Stone Gate. It’s rather ordinary—made of carved stone, not even adorned with gems.
But there’s something about it that makes you just know that something here is not right.
Liandros stops in front of it, and asks, “So, how do you want to do this?”
I raise my right hand, angle back my hand, and a single beam of red light shoots from the bracelet and straight into Liandros’ heart.
I eye the Stone Gate behind him, cold and emotionless. There’s no change, no sign that anything has happened.
There’s the smell of pine drifting from behind me, and a soft mocking laugh. “You always were a naïve fool, Kelree….”
I turn.
She smiles at me, and walks forward. “That attack doesn’t kill, Kelree. Let me show you how it’s done.”
Her hand raises, and fire blasts from her hand, blasting into me. I fly back into the Stone Gate, and as I slide down it, I hear the sound of it cracking….
Or at least I think I do, over the mocking, victorious laughter that roars through my mind.
The world was about to end.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I only know what comes next from the tales of those that survive. I was dead for most of the events that follow Nalika blasting me with fire.
But I’ll do my best to tell you what happens.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
There are some moments we don’t understand. Some times that have too much meaning, too much power, to ever comprehend.
This was one of those moments.
In an instant, Nalika is laughing, watching the Gate crumble.
In an instant, Liandros is opening his eyes.
In an instant, he is understanding everything that has happened.
In an instant, Sourcerors land all around, but they can do naught but watch the world end.
And feel sickened by their feeling of relief.
In an instant, the Sourcerors are chaining Nalika, holding her still with their magic.
In an instant, Liandros is pushing himself to his feet, and looking at me.
Liandros is by my side in an instant.
In an instant, the bracelet is off of my wrist and onto his.
In an instant, sharp sudden power is blasting into my heart.
In an instant, Nalika is breaking free.
Nalika is running forward.
Shoving Liandros away.
Blasting me with fire again.
But it’s too late.
My heart has started beating again.
The Stone Gate has stopped crumbling.
In fact, it’s started to rebuild itself.
The Sourcerors are pulling Nalika back, halting her before she kills me.
I open my eyes.
Liandros is there, kneeling by my side. He hands me a knife, and asks softly, “Do you still want to do this?”
I look at him, my best friend in the world, the man who I would have to kill if I went through with this. And I shook my head, no. For once, my mind was clear, free of madness.
Liandros’ lip curls. “Too bad—I still do.”
And he slams the blade into my chest, piercing my heart.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I’m dying a lot lately, aren’t I, Liana?
Ah, well.
Obviously I’m not dead.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Back to the stories I’ve heard from those that survived.
Liandros was shot in the chest, two elves sprinting to my sides, one limping along on a cane. Larind and my father collapse at my side, and wrench out the knife. A few Sourcerors come over to my side, and pile their right arms on top of one another, Keys touching.
They press the gold onto the wound.
Power surges from it, and the wound on my heart seals, and so, so slowly my heart begins to beat again. Once again, the Stone Gate halts in its crumbling.
I wake, blinking.
They ignore my pleas to go and heal Liandros.
I run to his side, take back my bracelet, and try to heal him myself.
But I can’t.
I am not trained.
I am uncontrolled.
Tears fall onto his chest, and I press my face against it. Wishing I could hear his breath. Wishing I could hear his heart beating.
But I can’t.
And I never will again.

~~STONE GATE: Chapter Fourteen--Dead~~

We’re all dead, in a way. In a way, all of aren’t living. In a way, even though our hearts are beating, we’re truly trapped in the abyss that awaits after death.
Liandros and I sit in my room, sipping wine. Tomorrow we die.
And for tonight…? We say everything that needs to be said.
“I love you. I’ve always loved you as more than as a friend,” Liandros says, watching my reaction.
“I always thought you did. I love you, too. I always have loved you as more than as a friend, Liandros. I love you as a brother.”
The words cut deep into him. His eyes drop. “That’s….not how I meant it, but…..Well, it’s good to hear that you care about me enough to view me that…that way.”
There’s a moment of silence, before I break it with: “You know I’m straight.”
Liandros nods, acceptingly. Resignedly. “And you know I’m not.”
A thought pops into my mind, and I slip to my feet, and pull him into my arms. He sighs into my neck, hugging me tightly. We just stand there, wrapped in each other’s arms, everything known. Every secret known. And everything accepted.
Liandros pulls back suddenly, looking at me strangely. “Kelree, you’re still wearing the Key. Why don’t you use it?”
“To do what? End our lives even sooner?” I laugh. “There’s nothing I can do to get out of here—I’ll just be found, and we’ll have to go through all of this again.”
Liandros shakes his head, shrugging. “Wishful thinking never goes anywhere….”
I give him a half smile, slapping him on the shoulder affectionately. “Come on. Before we die, I wouldn’t mind having a few questions answered.”
Eyeing me warily but trustingly, Liandros follows me into the hall as I seek out Taurion.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ He isn’t surprised at all when we walk into his study. “Hello, there. I take it I have some explaining to do, some questions to answer?”
“Yes, you do.” I reply, sitting across from him. He rests his elbows on his desk, and smiles welcomingly.
Liandros begins. “I’ve heard quite a bit about the Stone Gate—what is it?”
“The only thing keeping this world and the world of the abyss apart. They’re called Keys for a reason,” Taurion says, indicating the bracelet upon his wrist, “That’s why Kelree cannot be allowed to live. He has the power to unlock it, and the madness to be stupid enough to do so. Because the Source, as powerful as it is, is nothing compared to the hell that waits beyond the Stone Gate.”
I eye the bracelet calmly. “So, when it wants us to destroy the world, it really just needs us to open the gate?” Taurion nods, and I go on, “So what’s stopping me from opening it right now?”
“You’re on the wrong side of the country.”
“Oh…..So it’s like a real-world thing? Physical and everything?”
“Yes. Which is why it’s so hard to keep safe—it’s too easy for a common person to get close to and maybe damage.”
“Where is it?”
“Stavaks, on the outskirts. Near to the shore. If you’re going, go. I won’t stop you. In a way, it would be a relief, for someone to end the world.”
I look briefly at Liandros, but he doesn’t meet my eyes. He only murmurs, “There’s another question you need to ask him….”
“What question?” I didn’t think I’d missed anything—and it wasn’t like it mattered. I was going to open the Stone Gate no matter what.
“Taurion, what does it take to open the Stone Gate?”
“It takes the Sacrifice of the one the opener loves most.”
Liandros nods, and turns to me. “That’s why Ari and Nalika gave up their lives saving me—I was the one you loved most. That’s why the elves took me to Sheeler—they wanted to see if I could be kept away from you. They knew you were going to get your hands on a bracelet before long. They knew that, one way or another, you would find this out. This secret. This way to end the world once and for all. The elves want the world to go on—but Ari and Nalika, along with many others, don’t.”
I’ve stopped, frozen. It took the death of Liandros to end the world…..
I force out, “Does it have to be by the opener’s hand that they…they die?”
“Yes.” Two throats, one answer.
I look at Liandros, and he nods calmly.
He takes my outstretched hand.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
In a single burst of power, the manor at Serria disappears and the port town of Stavaks appears around us. Not meeting the gaze of those around us, Liandros and I walk in silence towards the coast.
Towards the end of the world.
It doesn’t take long to find it.
All we do is find the largest batch of best-armed elves, and follow them.
We don’t even try to be stealthy. The elves see us, but they don’t oppose us. They are only soldiers, not Sourcerors. As long as Liandros and I reach our destination before long, we should not face any opposition.
We’re going to end the world.
And no one’s going to stop us.

~~STONE GATE: Chapter Thirteen--Uncontrollable~~

Well, looks like I was alone.
It didn’t take me very long to find Liandros—with the power of the Source, it never takes much effort to do anything.
I lift him in my arms, calling upon the Source, falling under its thrall in return for strength, carrying him in my arms. The Source whispers to me, calls to me, and I answer.
I fall into its insanity.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
There is a hole of weeks in my life.
I do not remember a single thing from that time. I have searched my memories to the best of my abilities, but there is nothing in my mind that knows what happened during those few weeks.
So I might as well start with when I finally wake….
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I’m lying in a four-poster bed beneath the sheets. I shove the sheets aside, eye my body. I’m wrapped in bandages. I peel a few of them back, and almost vomit at the stench of rot. Infections. Very bad infections.
I wind the bandages closed again, swallowing hard.
I force away the pain, and shove myself to my feet. I have to get out of here—there’s no way I’m safe.
Taurion walks into my room just as I am about to leave it, and nods at me calmly. “Hello, Kelree.”
I don’t speak. I halt in my tracks—there’s no way I’ll be able to get past him. So I don’t even bother trying.
He steps forward, and I step back; he places a hand on my shoulder, and I flinch from his touch.
He pulls me into a hug, and I don’t fight him.
Larind slips into the room as well, resting a hand on my back. Members of the crew of the Soaring Keel, men I haven’t seen a long time, slip inside as well. They whisper and murmur, touch me comfortingly, gently, hands and fingertips upon my shoulders and back. I’m pulled into hugs, cajoled into eating, pushed gently back onto the bed. Friends and Sourcerors whisper soothing words, but refuse to answer my questions, refuse to meet my gaze. They don’t react when I mention Liandros’ name. They don’t react to my pleas to see him.
Across the room, Taurion begs me with his eyes to let Liandros go, but I refuse. Larind tries to convince me to drink wine, coffee, anything that could erase my pain, but I refuse him.
Days pass.
I stop speaking.
Soon after, I stop eating.
I had lost Nalika.
I had lost Ari.
And Liandros?
He was gone again. Worse off than before.
Perhaps we’re all insane…?
There’s no reason as to why this should have happened.
No reason at all as to why Ari should have done anything to attempt to save Liandros. No reason as to why Nalika would have helped either of us.
The only world where any of this makes sense is the world of madness, and it’s a world know only to Sourcerors.
I listen to the Source, hear it’s sweet murmur, it’s tempting call. I agree with it now: The world would be better if it was over.
The madness rises within me again, and I let it take me.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I wake up to the sound of a voice I never thought I would hear again.
Liandros leaned over me, his voice soft, his eyes weary and wary. “Kelree…?” he murmurs, “Please be okay….”
I shudder at the brush of his hand on my cheek. He shifts back, raising his hands. “You know I’m not okay.” I tell him, “And you also know I don’t want your help.”
“But you need my help,” Liandros replies, not looking at me, “There’s a lot of things you need to be told.”
“Then tell me.”
“No. I can’t trust you while you’re wearing that…that…..”
I raise my hand, and eye the bracelet. “This? You mean the Key?”
Liandros fidgets, “So that’s what they’re called….You learn something new every day.”
There’s silence.
We don’t meet each other’s eyes.
We don’t move.
We barely breathe.
Just as I open my mouth to speak the words that need to be sad, there’s a knock at the door, and it opens to allow Taurion in. “Hello, you two,” he says peaceably, “Liandros, I know you have so very much you want to say to him, but could you please let me make sure he understands all of this first…?”
Liandros nods, murmurs, “Of course….”
And leaves the room.
Taurion sits in front of me, rests a hand on my shoulder. “You’re listening to the Source. You’re believing that the world should end. You’re losing your mind. Just like all of us.”
This gets me to meet his gaze—he shocked me enough to snap me out of my frightened distance from him. “What…?” I say, my mouth open.
“You know. Ari was trained to control the Source, to control himself, for years before he was given the Key. I was trained for years to use it. I got it myself, a few days ago.” He raises his hand, eyeing the bracelet now wrapped about his wrist. He sighs, before continuing on, “You, however, weren’t. We saw from your sister how uncontrollable Sourcerors are. So please understand me, Kelree, when I tell you that you will very soon wake to your final day on this planet.”
I look at him.
What else can I do?
Beg for my life? He won’t listen.
Attack? I might be able to kill him, but I won’t kill the others.
I slowly shake my head, before I throw it back, and laugh. Just laugh.
Honestly, what else can I do?
I’m doomed to die.
It’s not like any of this matters anymore, when you’re already dead.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Liandros comes back in soon after. He falls onto the bed at my feet, curls up, grinning just a bit. “So you’re dead meat, huh?” he asks.
I blink, and nod.
Liandros shrugs, pulls out a cigar. “Want a puff?” he offers, lighting it.
“No smoking in bed….” I quietly admonish him, trying to smile.
He laughs, and winks flirtatiously, “Of course, we could always do other things in bed….”
“Such as sleep…?” I reply, raising my eyebrows, not sure if I liked where this was going or not.
Liandros laughs again, leaping to his feet. He plods over to the door, opens it, and disappears. A few seconds after, he walks back in, bearing many bottles of wine. “Sleep, and drink….” Liandros grins. “And, hopefully, smoke….You know you want to!” He waggles his eyebrows at me playfully, plopping himself onto the bed beside me.
I take the cigar from his hand, puff on it quickly just to appease him, and pass it back. He grins, pulling the smoke into his lungs, savoring it. “Liandros, you know I love you, right?”
He snorts, and taps me on the nose with a finger, “No, no, no! Now is NOT the time to be serious, my young soon-to-be-dead elven friend. Now is the time to drink, and drink, and drink, and smoke, and smoke, and smoke until we collapse.” I jokingly attempt to bite his finger, and he laughs affectionately. “Now that’s more like it!”
I pop open the first bottle of wine with a tap from my finger and the merest twitch of my power. He grabs one for himself, and sets the tone again by chugging from it, shaking off the way it burns. I follow his lead, feeling a bit better already. We drink, smoke, talk, and laugh. Every time I try to be serious, Liandros cuts me off, bopping me on the nose or forehead with a finger and making me laugh.
We drink for hours, only stopping when we’re out of wine, and neither of us are in control of ourselves enough to go get more (like the other times we ran out….)
Eventually, though, Liandros just falls onto the bed, unconscious. I blink wearily, think Why not?, and lie down beside him.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The next day is hell. In every way possible. Liandros and I wake grouchy and angry at the world. And in a heck of a lot of pain. The light stabs our eyes, we screech and shout, unable to control ourselves. We’re uncontrollable, and happy to not be controlled. We start fights with each other, run around outside, staggering and collapsing on the grass. Blows are traded. We’re getting our anger out, and using each other as targets. We don’t care anymore.
We’re both dead meat.
There’s no way that Liandros will not be going back to the grave. No way that I will not die. No way that we will be saved. And there’s no way of telling when the end comes. So what do we do? We live. We pick fights. We scream, holler, shout. We drink the nights away. We don’t think. We don’t feel.
We’re both dead meat.
So nothing matters anymore.

~~STONE GATE: Chapter Twelve--Shattered~~

I should have known all along that the peace wouldn’t last. I should have known the days of sparring and training and the nights of drinking and story-telling would come to a sudden and unexpected halt. I should have known that the world I had come to live in, a world where when I wept a friend would come to my side and hold me, and when I laughed they would laugh with me.
I should have known.
Maybe then the world wouldn’t have ended the way it did….
One day Nalika comes to see me.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ The day begins like any other. I wake, strap on my practice weapons, and go out and spar for an hour or more with Ari, and then train with Larind at archery. Taurion oversees my physical training, running with me and climbing, teaching me about the world around me.
It’s when Taurion and I return to the manor after training that day that all hell breaks loose.
Nalika is there, waiting at the entrance, her hair pulled back in a braid, her body scented with perfume, a loose-flowing tunic playing all around her in the idle breeze. My heart halts, and I just look at her, amazed. “Nalika….” I whisper, unable to speak.
“Kelree,” she replies, laughing at the look of shock on my face, “Hello again, darling boy.”
I blush furiously, and Taurion eyes me, and mutters into my ear, “Care to introduce me to your friend?”
I blush harder.
Nalika laughs, and introduces herself, “I’m Nalika Toth, but you may call me Lotus. Quite a few do.”
Taurion extends a hand, introducing himself as he does so. She shakes it, and raises her eyebrows at the strength of his grip. She tightens her hold on his hand and Taurion winces, his eyes widening. He lets go fast, and slips back to my side, muttering, “I don’t like her.”
I’m almost unable to reply, but I do, however, manage to angle a glare in his direction. Taurion shrugs, and Nalika laughs softly, slipping her arm into mine.
Together, Nalika and I walk to the stable, claim our horses, and ride without a single word spoken between us, not a single look shared.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
We stop when it gets dark, and our horses are panting, their sides drenched with sweat. We were far out on the plains, miles away from anything. She turns to me, her eyes dark, her smile grim. “You haven’t yet approached me with the question I see in your eyes, friend.”
“What question would that be?” I ask her, feeling a bit wary. What was this…?
“You haven’t asked me to help you dig up Liandros.”
“I….I wasn’t planning on….” I stammer, my eyes not meeting hers.
She laughs, cutting me off. “Oh, Kelree! So innocent….So naïve! I know the thoughts that go on in your mind, my friend.”
I blush, and look away. Then did she know about the other thoughts…?
She laughs, and gently turns my chin so I face her. She smiles softly, and then leans casually forward, and kisses me.
I kiss her back, and slip my hands around her shoulders, pulling her closer.
The world ends.
There’s a scream, a cry. A shout.
I whirl, and who do I see…?
Who do I see but Ari, with a golden-haired young man held lightly in his arms?
Ari falls to his knees, gasping for breath. He must have run for a long time.
I don’t move.
Nalika leaps forward, falls to her knees beside Ari, and lifts the prone form in her slim arms, and flies past me deeper into the woods, without looking at me.
Ari approaches me on his knees, gasping for breath. “Brother…..” he gasps out.
I fall to my knees beside him, the only thing I can do. I touch his hand, and he looks into my eyes, but I can see the light in them fading.
I take his hand in mine and hold it tightly, and slowly direct the course of my eyes down my back so that they settle upon the single arrow in his back. He smiles at me with the last of his strength, before his head falls to the earth, his final breath gasped out into the mud.
Just as I am about to leave him there, something in me reaches down, slips the bracelet off his cooling wrist, and slips it onto my own.
I turn, and follow Nalika into the abyss, fleeing the sounds of pursuit just as they reach my cursed elven ears.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
It rests in my arms, murmuring words I cannot comprehend. It twists and writhes in my grasp, never fully conscious. It calls out in a tongue I do not know, for something I pray isn’t coming. It shifts and moans, as if caught in some hateful dream.
I just hold It in my weak grasp as my legs force out another foot, another inch. As my lungs force out another breath. As my heart beats, so very weary, so very weak….
I just run alongside Nalika, stagger around trees, wrench myself beside her through brush and clutching weeds, clamber over rocks.
I just gasp out another breath, and glance down at my burden, feeling agony.
Nalika takes hold of me again, and in a wrenching shriek, lifts us high into the air and hurls us away from here. We fly through the air, propelled by her power that is not her own, her control over the uncontrollable Source. We crash into hard earth, roll down the steep hill, fall down fast. We roll down into the darkness, into the blackness, into the abyss.
My grasp on It fails, and Liandros is lost in the darkness and the night.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The next morning I wake.
The next morning I roll to my feet, gasping for breath, bleeding from dozens of small and scattered wounds, as well as a large number of a few larger ones. I look around—Nalika is standing a few feet away, her back to me, her naked form kneeling at the edge of a small pond, cupping water in her hand as she cleans the wounds of dirt.
I turn my eyes away.
I walk in the other direction, following the sound of rushing water. I come upon the source of the pond, and there I wash my wounds myself, cleaning them as best I can.
And I am not surprised in the least when Nalika’s soft voice murmurs, “Your wounds are not the only things that need cleaning and stitching, my friend. Your clothes need tending to as well—and that is difficult if you’re wearing them.”
I turn and look at her coldly. “Nalika, I do not want you.”
She leans against a tree, her lotus-petal skin bright in the dim dawn light. Her arms cross beneath her breasts, and she looks at me just as coldly. “You need me. You may not want me, but you need me.”
“I need to stay free until I can find some way to get to Taurion. Or to someone else. To do that, I may or may not need you.”
“Why are you doing this, Kelree? Why are you refusing me? Are you just another bender, just like Liandros? Another worthless faggot?”
I don’t think I’ve ever been angrier.
My right hand raises my hand tilts back, and a single beam of pure red light shoots from the bracelet, straight towards her heart.
She shudders and spasms when it disappears into her skin, and then she is still.
Beautiful Nalika slips slowly to the ground, dead.
I go to find Liandros.
My best friend in the world.


Black inside, black within
A laugh, as cold as ice
A smile, a memory of sin
The calling sounds twice

The calling for the end
For the bitter departure
Of a former friend
And the return of torture

"Let me go!"
Is all you scream
"I did not know!
"I did not mean to be mean!"

I listen not, enjoying
Watching you suffer
I smile, drawing the blade
At the sight of it, you shudder

Such an insane glee
I feel as I watch you weep
It runs through me
As I forcefully put you to sleep

When you collapse, I smile
And let you go
I bury you, and sit upon your grave for a while
"I will remember you; the only innocence I will ever know."

~~One Hundred Twenty Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes: Life Post~~

One hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes....

That is basically the same as one year.

One year....I can't believe a year went by so fast!

I went through hell, died inside, and I moved on.

I was so numb before, so frightened, so scared. But I am mainly over it now. Who I was before is no longer who I am, no matter how much it hurt. No matter how much the scars remain, I am not that person any more. And thank god I'm not! I would have died inside if I was to go on that way any longer than I did.

I'm doing fine now....

Truly doing fine.

One day, things will be better, and one day the scars will fade. One day I will be able to smile and laugh. One day I will be happy.

I have to hold on to hope.

A year ago, I was with Adam, realizing I did love him even though I had to leave him. And I knew I had to leave him. A year ago today, I was just getting closer to Ted. A year ago today, Ian and I were doing god knows what, but I know he was helping me.

One hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes; how do you measure, measure a year?

Yes, I am quoting Rent. I'm trying to google the song lyrics, because I can't remember it exactly, but every website with audio/video content is blocked....

THAT is annoying.

Well, I need to work on some stuff, so...See you loves!

Saturday, March 23, 2013

~~If I Could Go Back...~~

I'm uncertain of my path
The darkness inside, the hell ahead
If I stop walking, will I burn?
If I turn back and look behind me, who will be following?

I'm uncertain of my past
All the memories I once had, now sliding away
Some forced away out of pain
Even though I had once held them dear

I'm uncertain of all things
What the Fool had done
When he pulled me away...
Did he do right?

I was wrenched between two men
Both perfect, both horrific
Weakness of one; strength of the other
Who could I choose?

They both offered no assistance
Swearing they care even though they cause the tears
They both told me to choose the others
Even though that hurt the most

I know they wanted me
So why did they never fight?
I know they cared about me
So why did they make me choose?

If I could go back
I would take all those words of love away
Better isolation than this familiar pain
Better loneliness than hate-tainted love

If I could go back
I would make a choice sooner

I would choose to walk away
Before I was forced to lie again

Do I love Ian? Love the man
Who has known me more than any other?
Accepted me, through hell and high water?
Do I love him?

That remains to be seen
I believe I do......I fear losing him
I crave his company
Is that love....?

Friday, March 22, 2013

~~Black Hole Sun~~

I need no emotion
I rent out my soul
I need not to care
I am not whole

I need no understanding
I've never needed anyone
Forcing others away
I'd rather be alone

I need no love
I would like to be friends
I need no sun above
This is how it ends

Black hole sun, won't you clean me
Make me whole again?
Black hole sun, won't you take
The pain away from me?

I need no one but me
So won't you take them away?
I'm tired of being strong
So won't you end the day?

I'm not okay, so won't you wipe
My tears for me?
Black hole sun, clean my slate
Let me restart....

~~Hello One More Time: Life Post~~

I almost left Ian last night.

I almost left the one person who has truly been there for me. Who has been watching over me endlessly, keeping me safe.

I almost...left...him.

Maybe I should have?

I don't know.

I just don't know.

I remember when he was the Constant. When he was the Promise. The Promise.....

When he was the one that would be there even when the world has crumbled away from me.

When he was the only one I desired.

When he was the one I needed.

Is he still that now?

I just don't know.....

I've closed off a lot in the past few days.

Did I only break up with Him two nights ago?

Did it all end only a short time ago?

Did it all recently?

I don't know what I'm going to do.

I'm talking to Ian again, obviously....

I'll.....I'll talk to you later.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

~~I Am....Alive~~

So much strength inside
So much I'm trying to hide
So many tears I should cry
So many things that make me lie

Make me lie about being okay
Just so they won't worry today
Make me lie about needing someone
So I can just be alone

I want to hide so much
I want to escape from people's touch
Force it all away from me
So I don't have to feel them care about me

After so long, you'd think I would be used
To people caring, but it's no excuse
I think I will always hide away
Especially on this day

I am alive though, I can heal
One day things will be better, I will feel
I just have to stay around and try
And maybe spend some time alone to cry....

~~Hey, It's A New Day: Life Post~~

Last night didn't go too well....

Granted, did any of us actually expect that it would? It was rough, guys.....Really rough. I'm so tired today, even though my mom and I got breakfast and I downed two coffees, each with three 18% creams and one with three sugars. I'm going to have a heart attack.

At this moment, I'd almost be grateful for it if I did....

I barely slept that night. Wept. Thought a lot. No dreams, that I can recall. I'm having second thoughts....

He held me last night. We cried together. We cried so much....

He knew it was his fault. He regretted it so much....Never really listening. Always being perverted. Never....Being enough. He was thinking the past few days on everything he had done wrong, wishing there was a way he could fix it....

I don't know...what I should do.

I'm going to miss cuddling him.

Kissing him.

Holding him.....

Just...loving him.

I'm going to miss it.

I DO miss it.

I kissed him one last time before I left last night. It tasted of salt and soda....

Salt from tears, not from chips, by the way.

I'm trapped between Ted, who would do anything to change and be better and get me back, and Ian who just wants me to be happy.....

Please, can't there be a clear bad choice?

Didn't this..already happen?

I chose Ted last time.

I choose Ian this time.

No.....No going back.

I just reread one of Ian's poems for me.

The last lines:

As broken as you were,
you were beautiful to me.

Ian took my case expecting to lose me. Ian expected to see me die. To be there, feeling my last feelings, my final emotions screaming one last tormented question: Why?

Why this? Why me? Why this, again? Why don't the gods pick on another? Why am I so weak? Why am I so numb? Why? Why, why, why....?

But.....I don't think he expects to lose me any more.

I'm resilient. I have so much hope....

Today is a new day.

Tomorrow will be better.

One day, I will stop regretting.

One day, I will heal.

One day, I will see him.....

One day..........

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

~~If I Explain, I Will Cry--Life Post~~

Hello darlings, hello broken ones.

Hello readers, hello damned ones.

Hello condemners, hello lonely ones.

Hello friends, tis time for story time again....

I think I liked that. I like it quite a bit. Whelp, you're here for a story, and I'm afraid tonight and today is not the time to ask.....

Tonight and today is not the time to ask.

As you can see from the title, my mental state is not one that can handle being...honest.

I'm sorry readers.

I love you.....

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

~~I Just Wanted to Say....:Quick Post~~

I just wanted to say that, very soon, I will see Ian. I will drive down to see him no matter how far away he is. I have to see him, and a drive of 11 hours and the American/Canadian border is the only thing separating us.

I can't wait to see him....

He matters more to me than I can say.

So, before high school ends, I will have seen him. I don't care about the cost--I want to see him.

I want.

To see.


I love you all, beloved dearest readers.

See you later!

~~Greetings from English Class!--Notification Post~~

As some of you may have noticed, yes, the comics have begun to appear! Like the header says: A comic shall appear, when a comic appears.

Be very patient with me, would you? It takes about a half hour and longer to make one of those silly things. I enjoy doing it, though....So, as long as I'm having fun, I don't care if they suck. They will get better eventually, especially if the guys decide on a PLOT.

Raven wants to do this big romance story, Raphael wants to do a cooking class.....

Well, why not do all of it?

I'll work on all the introduction posts today, if I do get the time to that is. I don't focus easily. You should know that by now, dearest readers.

Either way, I think I'll finish this silly post off.

I'm in class, after all.

See you tonight!

Monday, March 18, 2013

~~Mansion Comic Strips!?--Life Post~~

Hey, hey you guys! Guess what? I might just be making a weekly Mansion comic strip! Or maybe every second or third day. I've been kicking this idea around for a while, but I really had no clue how to draw it by hand AND post it, therefore I'm attempting to find a free bit of software I can use.

I already have the plotline for the first four comics, but I need to find the right software. So far, it looks like Bitstrips will be the best one.

It will be VERY cartoony, and possibly not very good, but I'm going to try.

If it comes to it, I will draw them on paint, and upload them myself.

Love you!

Sunday, March 17, 2013

~~Setting Up Email to Blogger: Life Post~~

Hey hey hey~~~

Not really a post, just seeing if this works!

~~In A Red Dress And Alone~~

Make you fall for me, as if you matter
I'll promise to give you everything of me
But I'll never show you the mirror I shattered

And used the glass to slit my wrist
For I'm not as beautiful as you say
I'll tear off the lips you kissed
And lay down to sleep in the middle of the day

Beauty fades as I suicide
Passes away, leaving the skin so scarred
Pale skin, showing the veins makeup tried to hide
Showing all the things that life had marred

I'll lock you away, and never return
I'll tuck the key down my shirt
A teasing look to make you yearn
A dark laugh so I can make you hurt

In a red dress and alone
I'll dance with you tonight
Maybe you'll guess at all I've never shown
At everything that will never see the light...

~~Why I Hide~~

I can't tell Ian so many things

Why? Because I'm afraid
I'm afraid I'll over burden him

I'm afraid I'll be the one that breaks him

After everything he's done
Who am I to ask him to do more?
After everything he's gone through
Who am I to put him through more?

I'm the girl that he loves
I'm the girl that he chooses over everything else
I'm the girl that will never leave
I'm the girl that makes him happy

I'm the girl that will be the reason
For him to move countries

For him to smile
For him to grow

I'm the girl that he loves the most
So why do I hide so?
I'm the girl I never thought I'd be
God, I hope I'll make him proud....

I should never hide from him
Even though I'm scared to hurt him
I know he feels when I shatter inside
Even when I never mention it

Ian, I apologize
For doing what I promised I wouldn't
For hiding from you
I'll try not to hide any more

You're the man I love the most
You're the man I'll run to
You're the man I choose
You're the one I'll wait for.....

~~Martyr and Angel~~


Give it to me
Let me take your burden
It's all I deserve
I'll carry it for you

I never deserved anything better
I'll play into your delusions
Steal your painful memories
Give you peace

I don't want you to suffer
So I'll suffer in your stead
I'll take it all away
Make you okay

I'll dwell in darkness
For I've given you my light
You don't need to than me
Making you happy was all I desired

Don't ever feel like you owe me anything
This is all I am
And all I care to be
I'm strong enough to take it


You want me to be beautiful
To be kind, and always smile
You want me to care
And hold you close

You want me to be strong
Always ready with a joke
How it would sicken you
If you realized how I felt

I'm not the girl you believe
How I wish I was!
While I do indeed grow
Inside, I still remain frozen

But, for you, I will fight
I will grow and be free
If you say you're proud of me
I'll be the girl you think I am

I promise I'll try at least
Not sure if I'll succeed
But I just don't want you
To ever leave me alone....


Don't ever lie to me

I promise I never will
I know you're hurting, let me help
I know you're hurting, too

Let me be the one that never hurts you
Let me be the one you can lean on
Let me be the one that knows you
Let me be the one that heals you

When you're happy, so am I
When you're around, I can smile
You make the dark go away
You make me realize I'm alive

Don't ever hide from me, I know how you feel
I won't, as long as you stay
I will never let you go, I need you
As I need you

One day, the hell we live through
One day, it will be worth it
One day I can make you happy
One day I can finally kiss you....

~~False Affection~~

I talk oddly, I know
One of the oddest things
Is calling people "Love."

I mean, why do I do that?
Do I ever mean it?

In a way, I wish I didn't
Causes trouble, it does
Makes them believe I care
When all they really are
Is a shield against the loneliness

And the loneliness and I
Are good friends, to be fully honest
I am used to her company by now
Words keep me company
Bitter bulwarks against the madness

Do I call people "love"
Intending that they fall for me?
I'm not certain
I hope I don't...
They'll only end up hurt

Honestly, I would prefer it
If I was less honest
Kept a few things secret
I've said so much that I
Am truly ashamed of

But maybe doing this
Makes me face it
Ah, a revelation
I've faced before
But I am now quite off track

How many people do I call:
Love, sweetheart, hun
And more?
I am not certain
It just slips out

Do I mean all this affection?
I'm not sure I do
I mean, it's interesting
But it can be pretty bad
If they start believing it....