Tuesday, November 26, 2013

~~Long Distance~~

How many times have
I played this game?
How many promises have I made?
How many things
Did I do
That dragged me back here?
A clutching hand.
A broken smile.
Silent bits of hope and pain.
A distant dream,
Drifting down the stream.
Loss and pain--
Pull me back again.
Addicted to the distance.
Drowning in the poetry.
Singing in the rain.
Drown me in you again.
Drenched in your tears,
A sorrowful girl
Dances alone
Beneath the flashing
Colored stars
Upon the hardwood stage.
Stay with me.
What will be done
To you?
What will be done
To me?
Long distance....
Long distance....
Will you always
Keep me close?
One day I'll run to you.
Keeping you at arm's length...
One day....
One day!
Love me


The blog is not deceased.
The blog seems to remain.
Sorrow, sorrow--what
Makes it the same?
Tomorrow, tomorrow--why
Does it still remain?

Will there be more?
Will there be less?
Will the blog go on?
Will it go on past today?
Broken girl and smiling face--
Why do you remain?

I suppose there will be more.
I suppose it will go on.
Why should it leave
When it causes no harm
And hope can now be found?
Hope can now be found....

I'll be fine.
I think I found love.
I think there's hope now,; well
There really always was.
In my darkest times,
Did I ever let go of hope?

I'll stand by you
In my loneliness and goodbyes.
I'll be there for you
In my pains and farewells.
Don't think I will ever go,
As I rely on you.

Lovely readers, thank you kind.
You've eased my troubled mind.
Occasional words and gestures of hope.
Kindness and moving on.
Silent watchers at my melodramatic play,
An audience to applaud my every deed.

Friday, November 22, 2013


Hold still.
Close your eyes.
Hold still....
Don't turn away.
Don't stay away.
Hold me....
Please, just hold me.
I need you here. I need you.
Broken girl,;
A broken girl.
Dark dyed hair and golden eyes.
Will you smile at me?
Will you make me feel good?
I love you.
I still love you.
In the depths
Of my pain.....
You were the one to pull me out.
You were the one to keep me safe!
You were....
You were the one I loved.
You were the one who saved me.
Hold me close.
Hold me together.
I'm slipping....
I'm slipping away from you.
I'm screaming apologies
But you won't listen.
I'm trying to decide
But you don't care.
I hurt you so.
I know you won't forgive.
I know you won't forgive....
Forgive me.
Please. Hold me and keep me safe.
Hold me and keep me close.
With selfish hands, I'm reaching out
To pull you down
With me.

~~I Want to Drown~~

Drown me now, please
Pull me down, please
Wash away my sins
Wash away my soul
Drown me now, please
Drown me in my sins
I loved you once
I love you still
I don't know how
And I never will
Push me away
I'll push you away
I'll drown you in my tears
And in my laughter
Break me in two
Snap me in two
There for you
Don't forget me now
Stand tall and marry me
Beautiful one
Oh my beautiful one
Why are you drowning me?
Why are you pinning me?
Why are you hurting me?
Why are you keeping me here?
Push me away
And pull me away
I don't want this any more
I don't want to be hurt
I left you first
I made it worse
I deserve everything
You say to me.
Break me, please.
Break me.
I want
In you
Because you are the ocean.....
And I'm good at drowning.....
I'm good....


Perhaps there's a dream
Perhaps there's reality
But I can't tell
Which is which
My mind is slipping
My soul is sliding--
Where will I rest my head
At night?
Perhaps there's a love
Perhaps there's a truth
But I can't tell
What is real
Sliding from me
And sliding from you
Touch me now and be
My beautiful one
I'm losing it all
I'm losing myself
I'm losing my mind, oh my beautiful one
Stay with me, please
Perhaps I can save you
Perhaps I can make it
Your while
Perhaps it is true
And perhaps it is not
But I just know that
There's a chance
Of it being real
Of it being true
I wish I knew myself.....
Perhaps I do
And perhaps I don't....
Perhaps it's a dream
Of loving you.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

~~(No) More: Life Post~~

D'ya wanna know something, my dears? Why, of course you do--elsewise, why would you come here to this little place of knowledge and hidden secrets? Secrets that...truly ought to have been kept, methinks, if a life is to be had. I've said too much. It hurts too much to keep these silly things so very OPEN.

My dears, this blog is once more to be shut down. It is to be made into a wordpress blog (I apologize, Blogger, but you are blocked at school....) and I shall resume my stories there. I will have a handful of posts be sent to the Blogger blog still. There is a chance that this site will remain up, but I have many choices to make.

I have certainly said too much.

I need to make a site not at all associated with me.

My poems will be found there, as will updates from the Mansion.

The new blog will be made available to search engines, and any and all updates found there on my personal life will be done in code. It will no longer have mentions of my past. If it does, it will be vague.

What will be the fate of both Regaining Wings and Normalcy is Relative?

If they are not removed from the interwebs entirely, they will be made unavailable to search engines. The direct links will be the only way to get to these blogs.

Or I could decide I hate Wordpress and try to come up with another idea.

Fare thee well.

~~Merry Dreamer~~

Mercy, merry me
Mercy, marry me
Joyous light
Dying light
Fade away
Fall away
Save me.
Marry me.
Merry dreamer,
Laugh away.
Marry me, dearest
Dreamer of dreams.
Join with me.
A long, broken dance
Love me. Love me.
I will dance with you.

~~More or Less~~

Slip closer to me.
Slip closed the curtain.
Close your eyes.
I'm more or less fine.

Let's dream away.
All our troubles go away.
Slide from me.
I do not dream, more or less.

Hold me close.
Darling one.
I'll be yours.
You're more or less mine.

Let's stay close.
Let's press close.
Whisper my name.
It's more or less a game.

Stay with me now.
Stay, and be strong.
Beautiful one,
I love you more or less.

I'm not exactly sure.
I'm not exactly real.
We're close enough to happiness.
We're more or less real.

Love me now,
Love me less.
Keep me close, my dearest.
I'll be here forever--more or less.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

~~Sneeze: Life Post~~

I have gotten sick.

I am unhappy.

And I am sick.

I don't want to be sick.

How are you?

I'm okay.

I have a headache.

It feels weird.

I don't know what to do.

I just want to go home.

Friday, November 8, 2013

~~Icing My Hand with Iced Coffee: Life Post~~

I feel extraordinarily Canadian. I'm using iced coffee to ice my wrist. It's helping, actually.

My hand hurts a lot today. I forgot my bandage last night on the bus, and so today it is quite sore. I also overworked it on Wednesday, and I am still paying for that. I am trying to be a lot more gentle on my hand today, so I am trying to get used to typing one handed.


  • Ian and I broke up Wednesday night
  • I'm not sure who I am with. Likely single
  • Hugo and I are talking again
  • I'm trying to avoid Joseph
  • My left thumb is also kicking the bucket--I jammed it a few years ago and it was never fixed
  • I should really study more
  • I'm tired
  • My eyes are tinting gold. HINT: They always go gold when I'm having a mental breakdown

I'm doing okay, considering everything going on....

I love you, guys.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

~~Not By Choice~~

I'm not in school by choice.
I'm not a submissive by choice.
I'm not this hurt by (conscious) choice.

What have we done
That we've meant to do?
What was our intention?

I didn't mean to be here.
I didn't mean to let you go.
I didn't mean to, but I still did.

The forgotten dreams--
Show me what it means!
Show me you meant to be here.

Prove to me this was your choice.
Prove to me you wanted this.
Prove to me you intended this.

You're not here by choice.
You're just as lost as us.
You're an accidental bit of pain.

Welcome to the game.
Welcome to the problems you created.
Welcome to what you meant to do.

~~This is My Revenge~~

Shut up and learn:
I'm not your quiet girl.
I won't stand for this treatment
That you inflict on me
Day after day.
Shut up and realize that,
Even though I play the victim,
I'll never be your whore.
I'll never bow down to you.
Smile and pretend I love you.
Make sure it's okay.
This is my revenge--
My own sick and twisted game.
Shut up and believe me
When I say
That it is all true.
Let me pretend
It's real.
Let me fool you into
Loving me.
This is my revenge
On the entire fucking world.
Tearing down what others build.
Burning every bridge beneath your feet.
One day I'll be
Ending this war.
One day I'll be
Ending my life.
One day I'll make
My entire fucking world go on
Without me, as if I
Had never been at all!
This is my revenge
Against me.
This is my own revenge.

~~Playing the Victim~~

Will you
Do this
For me?
Will you
Turn me away?
Make me stop
The victim,
And make me
Stand up
And mean it?
Admit that it's me
That did this
Asked for every
Of pain.
Made myself
Because I flourish
In misery.
And flourish
I do.
I grow so strong
When it
I can't
I'm leading you
On. My broken, sweet
You're not
The one
I love.
My savior
Is not you.
Of depression
And giver
Of lectures--
It is you
I love.
While I play
The victim,
You play no games
With me.
So let me
Love you.
So change
My ways.
I have always
Been less strong
Than you.
My dearest--
Don't let
Me play
The victim

~~Until Your Heart is Still~~

Turn away from me

Leave me behind

Turn away from my twisted smile

I can never be kind

I loved you once

I'll love you again

I loved you when it was okay

But now I don't know when

It will be okay

I'm fighting to make it so

It will be okay when all of it is over

Peace, I will know

I'm fighting for you

I'm fighting for me

I'm fighting for your loving smile

As I turn your back on me

Let me go, my dearest one

Let me go tonight

Let me go, my true love

This can never be right

Walk away from me

Walk away right now

Walk away from me, and erase all traces

Of the girl you used to know

It's not worth the fight

Not if it's you who's fighting

It's not worth the war you're waging

It's my job to keep you going

I'll stand by your side

If you don't stay with me

I'll stand by your side if you never hide

Your meaningless agony

Hold my hand and tear me in two

Be the one I really need

Hold my hand and hold me tight

I'll be there when you bleed

I'll be the one to make you bleed

So torn up and so unsure

I'll be the one to save your life

My head's spinning in a circle

Love me, oh god, just love me

I can't go on alone

Love me, oh please, forgive me

I can't go on without the only love I've ever known

Keep me safe, I'll keep you hurting

Keep me safe, I'll keep you alive

Keep me safe, I'll keep you with me

Keep me safe, I'll show you how to hide

Torn up and confused

I'll show you what I mean

Torn up and drowning inside

With my tears, I'll wash you clean

I'll undo my every misdeed

I'll wipe my slate clean

I'll undo every mistake I've made

If you will understand what I mean

When I say I love you

And I always will

When I say I love you

And will love you 'til your heart is still.