Friday, March 28, 2014

~~Is It Meaningless?~~

I did what I could
To avoid failing you.
I did what I could
To keep you proud of me.
I did what I could
To maintain the image you ask of me.
I did what I could.

You don't listen to me,
Or I wouldn't have failed.
You don't listen to me,
Or you would have known.
You don't listen to me,
Or I would be better.
You don't listen to me.

Is it meaningless
To say I tried?
Is it meaningless
To tell you I'm sorry?
Is it meaningless
To promise to do better?
Is it meaningless?

I fought so hard
But you just see the defeat.
I fought so hard
But you don't see the victories.
I fought so hard
But you won't let me rest.
I fought so hard.

Do you even care
About the daughter who's weeping?
Do you even care
About the girl who's screaming?
Do you even care
About the girl you say you love?
Do you even care?

Show me
You'll do better.
Show me
It still has meaning.
Show me
You care at all.
Show me.

I'm tired of listening
To you say you love me.
I'm tired of listening
To you judging me.
I'm tired of listening
To you watching me.
I'm tired of listening.

You close me off
So you can do other things.
You close me off
So you can ignore the truth.
You close me off
So you can stay happy.
You close me off.

You wonder why
I don't forgive you.
You wonder why
I failed you.
You wonder why
I hide from you.
You wonder why


~~Don't Think~~

Don't think or cry,
Don't laugh or smile.
Just give up,
And give in.
It's not worth the pain,
So destroy the remains.
Find your way
Out of the dark.
Don't think or scream,
No one can hear you!
Don't bother trying
To believe in anyone--
They'll just lie to you.
Lower your head
And work.
Focus on nothing
But the work
Channel feelings
Down across bridges,
And burn everything
Behind you.
Run right ahead,
Tear the world in two.
Don't stop, don't think--
Don't even think that I care.
I don't give a damn,
I don't care at all.
I just want you
Out of here.
I want you
Out of here.
Wipe away
And burn the rest
Until there's nothing left
But ash.
There can be
Nothing left,
But ash.
So don't think for one second
That I care if you're crying.
The world is cruel and cold,
And to survive,
You have to be colder.
I'm not sorry for burning you--
Are you sorry for breaking me?
You tore me in two,
And taught me
To hate you....
So let's
Burn the world,
Let's burn the world
Let me erase
It all
For you.

~~I Feel Worse~~

You don't
Get it
You don't believe me
At all.
You care about
But the grades I bring
Home; but you
Should be worried
About the things
I hide.
If you had ever really
Thought about it,
You might be able to see
What is so very
Wrong with me.
I was broken--
Can't you tell?
You broke me,
Beloved parents,
When you taught me I couldn't
Tell you I was hurt
Without you hurting me.
Can't you see the signs?
I cried
I screamed
I said I hated you
Can't you tell
At all?
Isn't there any part
Of me
You look at?
Isn't there any way
You notice?
What the hell
Is wrong
With me?
You don't give
A damn
About me.
You don't care
At all.
You don't notice
A thing.
You just act like
I should be perfect,
When you don't
Even try
To pretend to care.
Is it so easy
To ignore
The fact that you broke me
And then slammed the door?
You closed me off
From myself,
And made it so
I had no one to trust.
Because of you,
I longed for the
Affection and attention
I never found at home.
You always think that
I do things
For attention,
But do you ever wonder
Why do I feel like
I have to go so far
Just to feel that
You notice me at all?
Why would a girl
Feel like she has to
All but kill herself,
Just so her parents
Pay attention?
Do you never
Look deeper?
Do you never
Stop to wonder?
Do you never
Ponder the reason
Do you never
Give a fucking damn?
Do you never
Give a damn
About my broken self?
I'd ask if you cared,
If I felt like
You'd give me an honest answer.
I'd stop to beg
For attention,
If I thought you'd
Hear my pleas.
I'd tell you
Why I was broken,
If I thought for one
That you'd understand,
Instead of taking away
The only reasons
I've kept fighting
For so long.
If I felt like
You'd understand,
It would not
Have gotten
This fucking bad.
It would not
Have gotten this far
If I felt you had tried
To reach out,
Instead of just
Yelling at me.
I know I disappointed you,
But you
Disappointed me, too.
You left me alone
To break down
And cry.
You left me alone
To break down....
And cry.
I feel worse
Because you exist.
I feel worse
Because you don't care.
You lie and say
You give a damn,
But I just feel
Like that isn't true
At all.
Prove to me
You love me.
Prove to me
You care.
It isn't enough
To say you'll listen:
You need
To actually try.
I'm sorry
I failed you--
Are you sorry
You failed me?

Thursday, March 27, 2014

~~In Case You Forgot....~~

In case you forgot:
I almost killed myself
Because I knew
I wasn't good enough
In the eyes of you.
In case you forgot,
The stress of failure
Almost drove me
To suicide.
In case you forgot,
The fact that you never
Supported me
Almost broke me in two.
In case you forgot,
You almost
Ruined me completely.
In case you forgot,
The amount of stress
You put me through
Almost killed me--
So why the fudge
Do you think it's
Completely fine
To yell at the daughter
You never speak to?
If you really
You'd be more careful.
Just because I did badly
Doesn't mean you
Can yell at me and make me feel
Worse than I already do.
Don't you see that,
If you had maybe been good enough
And made me feel like
I could talk to you,
I wouldn't have gotten
This bad?
In case you forgot,
I'm blaming this
On you.
Did you forget
So easily
That you had failed me?
Did you forget so easily
That the weight of my failure
Was more than I could bear,
And that adding to it
Would make me feel like this?
Thank you
For hurting me.
Thank you
For raising me.

~~Some Parts of Me Don't Agree~~

I wasn't meant to end up getting the best
Things in this world.
I was treated
As a slave
For so very long....
I'm sick of being
An object.
I'm sick of being
A slave.
I'm not a set of holes for use--
I'm more than you
Could ever believe.
So back off
And leave me be--
There's no going back
To what I used to be.
Don't think for
A second that you'll
Get what you think you need:
I'm not your girl;
Screw you, and let me be.
Screw you, and let me be!
You never gave me the
Time of day--
You'd play me so
I'd never feel okay.
You'd play off my weakness, play
Games with my neuroses.
You'd dance on my grave, and
Make me hate myself--
Just so you could take the pain away.
(It's not that you were cruel;
It's just that I was
Entirely dependent on you....
I miss you, too.)
I'm not sorry for ending
The things between us.
I'm not sorry
For telling you
We are over.
I'm not sorry for
Breaking the rules
And leaving you alone--
I'm just not sorry.
I'm better off this way.
(So please be okay.
I never meant to hurt you.)
Leave me alone.
(You were the only
Man of your kind
That I had ever
I think I'm
Finally figuring things out
All on my own.
I'm finally realizing what it means
To be 100% percent in love:
It wasn't something
I could get
By kneeling at your
Beck and call.
(I know you need me still.)
Every word I say
Is a cross between
Pulling you here, and pushing
You away....
(Don't leave me here alone.)
I'm better off with him.
I'm better here.
Good luck
With someone else.
(I hope you're happy right now....)
I know I'm happy right now.
(Then why is there
An ache in my chest?
My Master is going away....)
I never needed you,
You always held me down....
(I was growing with you....)
I know I'll be okay
With you gone.
(I still feel
Like crying....)
Goodbye, and good luck....
(I wish I could
Go with you,
But I can't leave the man
I am with instead of you....)
I'm sorry.

Monday, March 24, 2014

~~Not Even Slightly~~

I'm not bad-off.
I hope you understand why
It is I complain.
I'm not even slightly
Suffering, but instead
I'm doing better
Than ever before.
I'm looking up
At the sky,
And for once
The sun's light
Doesn't blind my
Broken eyes.
I can see,
I can feel--
My world
Finally begun.
I'm getting stronger,
Getting better--
And I've never
Been better.
My world hurts,
My world is dark--
But I wouldn't
Trade it
For another.
I love this place.
This little,
Broken place.
It is safe
Here in
The darkness.
I can hold tight
To Shawn's hand
And feel as if
I am safe.
After years,
Of wondering--
I think I
Am safe.
Does it mean
The pain will fade?
Does it mean my growth
Will finally continue?
Will I get
Will I become
Who am I?
I no longer
I am not
More than me--
I am just
And I think
I love
Who I am.

~~Written During Depression--Life Post~~

I thought I was done with being used and feeling this way. I thought I had escaped it. I thought I had stopped feeling like I meant nothing at all. I thought things had gotten better! I thought that…I'd never feel meaningless again. That a simple "No, I won't have sex with you" won't result in the loss of a friend. Or, at least, someone I would have badly liked to call a friend.

What's wrong with me? is anything wrong with me?

If nothing is wrong with me, then why does no one seem to really…want me? Well, plenty of people WANT me, but for the longest time…..All they wanted was my body. They wanted a PART of me. The sexy part. The intellectual, poet, blogger, and author didn't faze them whatsoever. They never even gave a damn about the rest of it.

It kills me inside to think that they can be so cold to me. I just don't understand their thinking—how can they make a beautiful, wise girl feel like complete crap just because she won't spread her legs? Online, or in real life: This is not something I'm going to do.

I just wish I could understand why. There has to be a better reason than the fact that they are obviously as damaged as well. There has to be a better reason. Why isn't there a better reason? Why doesn't anyone actually seem to think about their actions?

Why does no one try to stick around when they realize you won't give them what they want? Why does no one stay when they realize you're taken? Why does no one want…friendship? Why does love tend to get between things and ruin all other chances of human interaction?

I thought I deserved better than this. Well, don't I? After everything, don't I deserve to escape this pain? Don't I deserve to not be hurt anymore, because I've suffered so much? Broken down so much?

But, right now, I just want to break into tears in a crowded cafeteria filled with people who don't really seem to give a damn about me. Maybe they would give a damn if they saw me cry, but….

Does it even matter? I mean….I am not who I was. I am not a whore. I am not a skank. I am not a slut. I am not someone's bitch. I am not MEANINGLESS. I am NOT worth less than dirt. I am not useless. I am not without purpose.

I am MORE than a set of holes just waiting to be used, damnit!!!

I don't know about you, but that line was an awesome line.

I am Alexandra H Wong, and I am BADASS.

I am a gamer girlfriend. I am loyal as fuck, hilarious, kind, compassionate, adorable, talented, sweet, gentle—and I don't deserve to be treated like I mean nothing. Damn everyone that disagrees with me: I deserve to be treated better than the way I am so often treated.

I shouldn't feel like crap just because some asshole decides to ditch me just because I won't suck his itty-bitty wiener.

I should feel HAPPY he's gone because I no longer have to be in the company of such a fool.

I'm beyond amazing. Everything I am is deserving of love, and NOTHING I am is deserving of cruelty like the cruelty that has been dealt to me.

I'm going to be more than fine.

--This was written a few days ago.

~~I Was Hoping....--Life Post~~

My dear readers, it is Monday at approximately 9 am. I am exceedingly tired and just a bit angry at the universe. I feel vaguely like kicking someone, and I actually haven't even had a good conversation yet!

I did, however, get to spend around half an hour--off and on--under the covers, snuggling MY chunk of sexy man-ness. And isn't that a mental image I'm certain all of you wanted!


Shawn's like a furnace, and I lose heat incredibly fast. However, there is a point during the day where I am actually warmer than Shawn. A point during the day when my hands are warmer than his. Of course, that is usually a point in time when he can't snuggle me to warm up, because the person running the universe is a fudgehole.

Def: Fudgehole, insult: Someone who has a rear end fashioned entirely of year-old fudge.

I am, other than being slightly miffed, unbelievably proud of Shawn. In a week of living here, he has: Handed out over a hundred resumes at essentially EVERY BUSINESS IN THE AREA, procured for my lovely self a birthday gift, made me laugh and cry, watched Black Butler with me, and GOT HIRED AFTER THE FIRST INTERVIEW.

He is now a lovely employee at _________, which happens to be right by my school! And he seems to really like it there, which is good, because he's WORKING FULL TIME.

My man is a sexy man.

My man is a sexy, SUCCESSFUL man.

I am PROUD of my darling man.

Insanely proud.

Side-note--I'm noticing it is hard for me to compliment him. Okay, it's hard for me to compliment ANY ONE. The words just seize up in my throat, and I feel like punching myself--anything to get the words out. I need to learn to be nicer. He deserves me to be a lot nicer....

I'm really glad he got the job, because now he will be able to afford an apartment of his own and he won't have to stay with us forever/move back in with his parents. He said that, if he hadn't gotten a job in four weeks, he would've moved in with his parents.

So, right now I'm torn.

Should I celebrate?

Yes, yes I should--my man is HERE, my man LOVES me, and he has gotten a job so he can STAY WITH ME!

Now for the bad stuff--and don't look surprised, because I know you were waiting for it.

Unfortunately, his full-time schedule just happens to be the opposite of school.

Monday: Five pm to ten pm. If I take the bus, I get home at....3:30. It's a half hour drive to work, and a long bus-ride. I also have therapy tonight, which would finish at four--so no Shawn today, I guess.....

Tuesday and Wednesday: Same as today.

Thursday and Friday: Five pm to MIDNIGHT. Guess what! The bus from his work to my house DOESN'T RUN THAT LATE. So my mother, bless her heart a trillion times over, will be driving him home from work.

My dear loves, I'm going to get lonely.....

I go from a week of All Shawn, All the Time to No Shawn, No Time.

I can't wait for the weekend.

Fudge you, Mondays....

Just fudge you.

Now to go to class, and act like I give a damn.

Which I don't.

In case you were wondering.

Nikai tibitomaka,

The One and Only (And Ever-So Lonely) Half-Mad Writer.


Is this what I wanted?
I couldn't decide
If it was right, or wrong--
But now I can't hide.

In you, I try to confide
All the secrets we kept from you--
I'm sorry I lied,
And said the feelings were true.

Reality won't let me be,
And I can't maintain this
Bittersweet ecstasy--
I didn't choose this.

I didn't choose to let you lose--
I didn't choose to let you know.
I never realized how far
It would--and could--go.

I never believed in you
Being able to keep me safe.
Now I'm stuck here, in your arms,
And my collar's begun to chafe.

I'm stuck at your feet--
Won't you let me be?
I couldn't leave if I tried....
Don't you dare let me be.

I don't want to face reality.
It's you I need.
I'm crying here,
Don't let me bleed.

I'm dying here,
Don't let me be.
I don't want to face
A reality with only me for company.

I never really understood
What it could mean to love,
But now I think I understand:
Loving means a light in the sky above.

A light in the stormy sky
Where angels wait to cry.
I wonder if we can fly,
As I wait for the pain to die....

Loving you, and loving me,
Are things I think I can do.
I promise I will try--
I will try for you.

~~Surprise, Surprise.....~~

Drifting through the night--
Does might make right?
Which one of us
Can see as the sky
Returns to night?

I could dream, I could breathe--
But I can't feel you
Holding on to me.
I just can't believe
You can even breathe.

Surprise, surprise, the world is over--
I hope you packed your bags,
Because we're heading off tonight.
A different world, a better world--
Let's see if might makes right.

A war torn world isn't a place
To call our own,
So let's find a place where
We can all
Find our own home.

I wonder if we're fine
As we wander, alone and alive--
Your hand in mine;
As you said before,
Anyone not blood related is on the streets.

I'm kept close to you, protected
And hopefully well-defended.
I got your back--
Let's see if we can play
This game tonight.

I can't believe you can even breathe
As the nuclear bombs explode behind us.
I can't believe we can fly away,
And leave this world
To decay.

Friday, March 21, 2014

~~A-Z Theme Reveal!--Life Post~~

Okay, so seeing as some people have dropped comments mentioning this, I just realized it has completely slipped my mind! So, I shall now reveal the theme.

My theme is my psyche. My half-crazed mind filled with other personalities. I'll include Endo somehow--yes, there is a new one!

RAPHAEL: He will be posting plenty of poems and an overview of my life.
ALAKINA: Stories forever!
STEPHA: An interesting discussion on submission.
JACE: Book reviews!
RAVEN: A discussion on domination.
KAKANA: The insanity of geniuses.
DANA: Videogame reviews!
MICHAEL: Life in the Mansion
CASSANDRA: Webcomic reviews!
ENDO: Meditation tips!

ME: How my life is, with these...people.

Here you go!

~~Regained Sanity~~

I'm not exactly sure how it works.
My mind is losing
I can't understand
Just how
To think.
Am I doing
It right,
Or wrong?
Is it right
To believe
I'm sane?
After all this time,
Have I regained
My wings?
As a child,
I was blind--
But god knows
I was happier.
Maybe I will
Be happy
As I grow up....
As I grow up,
What will I become?
Will I change?
Will I be better?
Will I
At all?
Regained sanity--
Is this what it feels
To be sane?
Is this what
It means
To be sane?
Is this
At all important
Or right?
Never mind.
I don't care
After all.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

~~Yeah, Well.....--Life Post~~

Pretty sure I've said that title before. I am sooooo very tired.

Apparently today is the International Day of Happiness.


Happy International Day of Happiness.

I.....I guess.


Yay. I am so agonizingly tired. Probably because I wrote a huge amount of poems before ten am. Now that it is a slightly saner time, I am cursing myself for typing so much. My hands are stiffening, and I hate that feeling. I can't fight that feeling.

I don't know why I'm even bothering to write this. I've got little to say. No real advancements to report.

I mean....I'll be fine.

I love you.

~~I Should Have Known~~

I should have
How far it could
Should have
How bad
Could hurt....
I should have
It could fail.
I should not
Have clutched
At the hope
People said
To believe in....
I should have known,
But I didn't.
My mask
Was torn from me--
No secrets
To keep.
Double standards,
Smiles and laughter--
I'm not
For happiness.
I should have
It would burn.
I should
You would love me.
How could I have
The depths to which
I feel
How could I have
Even conceived
The notion
That I actually
Love you?
I had no idea,
But now
I am trapped.
Happily trapped.
My life
But my life
Has finally begun.
Everything has changed,
But my battle
Is still
Not won.
Is it worth it?
Is worth it.

~~Black Scarf~~

My muse
I clutch at
And try to pretend
I'm not sliding
Off the cliff.
Am I falling
At all?
Do I write
I feel alive,
Or do I
Feel alive
Only when I write?
Which is which?
How do I
The pain
I prefer?
"Pick your poison."
What if
The cure
Is the poison?
What if
My hands
Are destroyed?
What if it
Drives me
Over the edge
I am dancing upon?
What if my
To being
My demon?
What will save me
I can't even
I can't breathe
Instead of blood.
My world
Is stained
And spattered with
Red and blue--
The drug in me
Is my muse.
My black
Wraps around my neck--
Maybe it
Will hide
What I've left behind?
Maybe it
Will hide
The bitemarks
From when I
Sold my soul
The love


Do you see
The signs
I light
Above your head?
I'm screaming,
Do you hear me?
Listen closer.
Listen more.
Look more. There
Is always
Do you know
What I am
To you?
Can you hear
The voices?
Can you see
I'm trying
The truth--
But I don't
Think you
Care about
I don't understand
What you
Don't say--
Do you even
Do you listen to me
When I
Screaming out your name?
I'm trying
Communicate the pain,
But you won't
Hurting me.
Don't touch me,
Dancing for you.
Is this love,
Or is this hate?
I don't
Can we

~~More of This Drug, Please~~

Share it.
Share it faster--
I can't
For my eyes
I can't wait
For the voices
To fade!
I can't wait...
I can't wait.
Share with me
Your broken smile--
Give it to me
For a while.
I need you, bad.
I need it, bad.
Forget it, nevermind--
I can't
Escape them this time!
(More of this drug, please.)
(Make the voices
I need
But the drug
In me
Isn't working like it
I can't breathe.
It isn't any good.
More of this drug, please.
Maybe another dose
Will make the tears
Maybe another dose
Will make
The memories
Maybe another
Maybe another
Maybe another
Will make
My heart
More of this drug, please.
The voices
Make the
Fade to black.....

~~Turning Corners Slowly~~

Hold on to your
Clutch at
Don't barge ahead
Turn corners slowly.
Each step
You take
Could lead to
A mistake.
Watch your back
At every step--
You can't make
Any guarantees.
No promises
That reach more than
Three days
In the future.
Memories fade,
Meaning fades--
And even words
Can fail.
Even words
Undone meanings,
Twisted through
Nobody knows,
Because nobody
What anyone
No one can stop you,
Can see you
Turning corners
Everyone knows
What everybody sees.
Watch your back--
They're on the
Turn corners
Every step
You take.
Watch yourself,
My love.
You are broken,
Just like me--
You didn't watch
Your step
And I'm
Not sorry--
You should have
Turned corners


Caress me.
Touch me.
Let me feel
Little lover,
Lover, hater--
As insane
Let me feel
Your hands
On me.
Your rhythmic
Matching mine--
Let me feel
Your hands.
Let me feel
Your chest
Against my cheek.
Let me feel you
Hold me.
Hold me,
Lover, dreamer....
With me.
I'll let you sleep
I am

~~In the Corner of a Library~~

This is where
I sit
And reclaim
This is where
And create my
Reality bug,
Feel the tug
In this corner
Of the library,
No one knows
No one demands
My company.
No one pays
Any attention,
At my corner of
The library.
My muse and myself
Sit side by side,
The only sound
The keyboard keys--
And his voice
In my ear,
Guiding me
With words
Fighting through
The agony of
I try
Keep up the pace....
How it feels
To be alive!
How wonderful....
How wonderful it is
To be
In the corner
A library.

~~I Am a Writer~~

So many
Escape my
My body
Is being drained
Of its blood.
How it feels
To write.
The broken drive.
The ache
Of fingers.
The torment
Of wrists--
Scribble, scrawl,
The tap
Of fingers
On keyboard keys
Reaches through
The music
In my ears.
I can't escape
The rhythm
I build--
Tap, tap.
Tap, tap, tap upon the keys.
As fast,
As slow--
As the heartbeat
With caffeine.
I'm not
For this!
But I can't
Escape this.
Carpal tunnel,
Broken funnel--
Undo my reality.
Rob from me
Poetry, words--
The beauty
My soul
Can be bared
Upon the page.

~~Little Candle~~

Little candle,
Do you hear
How the cold
Little candle...
Little candle, do you
Hear how the rain
Patters upon the roof?
Little candle,
Burn so sweetly--
Sear black
The piece of paper
I hold out
To you.
Watch as your
Caresses the tar
Upon the torch.
Watch as it
Watch as the
Before I take it away
The stake.
Little candle,
How people scream
As the flame--
Grown from you,
Oh little,
Little candle!--
Sets alight
The pile of wood
At the foot
The stake.
Watch as the
Mother dances
As her children scream.
Watch as flames
Lick up
Her legs.
Don't look away,
Little candle
Within the house:

~~The War is Worth It~~

Bitter recriminations
Beat upon
Empty faces--
Do you see
I'm smiling now,
Blinded by
The blood you beat
I'm laughing now,
Undone by the
Reality you forced me to
You should have
(Could have,
But didn't)
Realized what
You wanted--
You wanted
Me to do
Something I could
You were wrong
In saying
That the pain
Had a reason.
(There is a reason!
At least,
That is what
Therapists and holy men
Try to make
You believe.)
I can't find
The reason--
I just know
The war is
Worth it.
It's worth the bloodloss,
Worth the fear,
Worth the bitter
Bitter smile.
Worth the sadist's
Worth it.
It is worth the war,
Fight with me.
There may not
Be a reason--
But is there
A reason
To quit?
I got this far
It HAD to get better.
It can only
Go up,
After all!
No down
When you've
Scraped across rock bottom....
Live because
It is entertaining
Live because
There is nothing
This is your life--
So live it.
The war
Worth it.
There may not
Be a reason--
Indeed, there are
Find your reasons.
Find your excuses.
Find your cruelty
And your sadist's laugh.
Find the way through
The bitterness
The depression.
I don't care
If you believe
It will get better.
I don't care
If you have
Any hope at all.
Just recognize
The one lesson
I want you to learn:
The war is worth it.
So fight it for me.


Short sentences
To try
And reveal
Bitter rhythm.
(Maybe you will
What I create
If you speak it
Out loud.)
I don't understand
The impulse
That drags
These words
(So cruelly...)
From my strangled
Short bursts
Of sound;
Do you hear
The silence?
Do you see
The moonlight
Upon the mountaintop?
(I am dancing in it.)
Can you
Even understand
What I
Try to show?
I try to reveal
A way out,
A way in....
A way
To breathe.
I know it hurts
Maybe I can help....
Help you with
Strangled words and
Broken muse.
Maybe I can
Show you with
The words
Upon your screen--
Upon mine.
Reveal the door
To peace
With vague attempts
At creating
I long
For you
To understand me.
Give to me your
Tortured soul--
I will repair it
With pieces of

~~One Last Attempt~~

Summon to me
Your voices.
Summon me
With your symbols--
I want
To hear
I'm tired of hearing
Here in my
Diamond cage--
Let me have
Hard hands,
Brutal smile!
Let me have
Your cruelty.
I want your cruelty.
I want
Your eyes on me,
Your eyes....
Your eyes....
In your eyes,
I feel alive.
I feel the strength
I feel the need
In your eyes,
I see my future--
In your cruel,
Cruel hands:
I see my past.
I'm sorry to say,
But I can't
Make it through
Let me go
Don't clutch at me
Don't let
This time.
One last
At a brutal,
Agonized love--
Measure is
Can I
Say the same
For your love?
Do I dare
Put my faith
In your twisted hands?
Do I dare
My reality
So I can
Accept yours?
The warning signs
Over your hair,
And in them
I see
A promise:
"You are mine."
I can't
Run from what
I desire most--
And I desire

~~Ah, Blessed Light~~

I think I found out how
To breathe
After so long spent
Beneath your weight.
I spent so long
Praying there
Would be what I found
In his arms:
Something worth
The poison.
Something worth
The fight,
The war,
The endless barrage
Of bitterness and lies.
Finding beauty
In the dissonance,
I think I
Can breathe now.
I can find
My way to soar--
Instead of tumble
Off the cliff
(The way I did
For you.)
I can find
The reality behind
The things
(You used to say)
That hurt me.
Capitals and capitol
Reach out to me,
Begging me
With their clawed hands
To do as they say.
I try to refuse,
Try to remain--
But then I hear
His voice again.
It drowns out
(Your voice)
The sounds of things
I hate,
And reclaims me
(Your arms)
The darkness.
Which part
Is true?
I don't think
I even give a damn.
I'm dancing
In the light
(As you burn
In the dark).

~~Fudge Scheduled Post--Meta Post~~

Okay, so I haven't been 'round and I seem to have utterly lost a large chunk of my readers. At the very least, my bitchin' poems guy has seemingly disappeared...v.v

I liked you, dude!

And you, other friend of Justin!

All of you guys rule o.o

Anyways, so I'm not entirely sure what to do with myself anymore! I mean, do I try and resume the schedule, or do I just decide to screw everything and just post ALL of For Love of Minecraftia, HER, and maybe the next installment of the Talents?

I'm not sure right now, guys. What do you want me to do? Hell, how many of you even care anymore?

Things were going so well--I had daily comments, huge amount of readers, a schedule...Everything was going according to plan. It was an honest-to-god blog that was gaining in fame. I was doing so damn good. I also cared more about ADVERTISING myself and the rest of the people here at Regaining Wings. Unfortunately, though, that has of course changed. I just...stopped caring as much, I guess. Which sucks hugely, in case you haven't noticed. I didn't want to stop caring, ever! I keep this blog going forever.

But then I got counselling.

And then Shawn moved in.

And my dropped class in period one means I can sleep in until eight.


I'm sorry, guys.

You know what?

I AM going to post all of For Love of Minecraftia today, but HER is going to remain as weekly posts.

The Talents, meanwhile, will...require more thought. I might post the next volume of it, but....

So, let's do this.

Chapters fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, AND twenty of For Love of Minecraftia will hit the interwebs the second I set it up.

I looooove you!

~~FLOM: Chapter Twenty--Because You're My Glowstone~~

A few months pass. I'm back at school, and life is going very well for me. Haruhi still comes to visit me in Minecraft when I'm dreaming, Slenderman is now the proud owner of a very successful blog, and James and I have become very close friends. We've decided that we wouldn't be together, because apparently, if two Gifted get together and have children, the likelihood of the children being used to open the portal between worlds increases dramatically. The ability of those children to resist it also decreases quickly, so basically it would really not be a good idea to get together. However, I have the feeling that we're going to be friends for a very, very long time.

My life is really good. I don't play Minecraft, but why do I need to when I can just access it easily in my dreams? We're working on rebuilding the base and the area that was blown to bits during the final battle. I decided it wasn't worth rebuilding the home that Herobrine had destroyed so long ago. My maze still stood, though, so very tall and proud. I was even getting some people to add to it. Drizzt Do'Urden has taken to living in it. He says he finds peace in its multicolored depths.

Sometimes I will never understand that man….

Granted, would I ever understand any of the people that had turned up in Minecraft? No, I never would. Almost all of them had gone back, even the young boy who had led me out of Herobrine's keep that fateful day. I never found out who he was…..

I hoped the kid was okay. I had liked him quite a bit, even though I had only known him very briefly. He had called me 'miss', which was definitely not something I had ever been accustomed to hearing. He had been so kind to me….

I looked around me. I was lying on my back in bed, thinking and daydreaming. I hadn't told anyone yet about what had happened with Herobrine that fateful day….

I went down to the steps, and found Slendy. He hugged me tightly, and kissed my cheek. "You don't need to tell me, my beautiful one. Now smile and be happy I am so proud of you for absolutely everything that happened."

I blushed furiously. "You really love me that much?"

He nodded, and he smiled. "I also read your mind. I knew ever since the fight ended that you had done that."

Vowing I would find out about him the next time I slept, I looked over at the area in front of the TV where Slenderman and James tried to out dance each other. I watched in wonder, trying very hard not to laugh at their efforts. God They were so funny!

Especially Slenderman. Crazy demon he may be, one that has been alive for an impossibly long time, but he could not dance at all. He was the absolute worst I had ever seen in my life. Every move he made was a good beat behind the dancers on the screen, every move was done awkwardly and clumsily, and well…..I can't even begin to describe how hard I was laughing by the time they got to the middle of Bohemian Rhapsody.

"What is this infernal machine!" Slenderman yells, staring at the Kinect. Okay, he really didn't get the Kinect….

"It's one of the most awesome things ever invented by man, Slenderbutt!" James yelled at him, tripping over his own two feet as he did so and bringing Slenderman down with him.

The pair landed in a tangle of limbs and screamed accusations.

"You did that by distracting me!" James yelled, shoving at him. Slenderman grows extra arms and pins him down, letting out a roar from his face that's not a face. James doesn't react, and instead screams, "You dance even worse than I do!"

Slenderman stopped roaring at him, and looks at him curiously as if he has never seen him before. "I dance worse than you?"

James nodded, not seeming to sense the hush in the air. Nor did he seem to catch the air of malevolence that was emanating from the demonic man I had chosen to love with all my heart. "You can't keep rhythm at all, dude."

The song ended, and after a while only silence was in the room. Maybe James finally sensed it, because after this he didn't open his mouth again, instead just lying there in fear. I swallowed, biting my lip. I was getting a little paranoid now. "Don't fight, you guys. You both mean a lot to me, and hell, I doubt that I can dance any better than either of you."

The pair of them looked at me, and asked me as one, "Do you want to prove to us that statement?"

I looked around at the room. "Um, no?"

They grinned, and came over to me. "Oh, no, you're going to dance now kiddo." Slendy says to me.

"Yeah, and you're going to suck, we're going to laugh, and we won't fight any more." James went on.

I blushed quietly, looking around at them. "Please don't make me dance, you guys…."

They laughed, and set me up in front of the Kinect. I stared at the TV nervously, and they chose a song. They went for a pop song, one that automatically made my brain hurt just by watching them choose it. "I'm going to kill you two."

They laughed at me, before starting the song. They had set it to hard mode…

I will spare you, dear readers, the massive amount of humiliation and tripping that followed. I will spare you how the pair of them fell off the chairs and rolled around everywhere on the floor. I will spare you how they laughed together and hugged each other tightly, staring in wonderment at the horrificness that was any attempt I made at dancing.

At the end of the song, the pair of them might as well have been as friends since they were little kids. They were joined in their love of me for a time, and even though I knew that that camaraderie would eventually lead them to issues, I didn't care enough. I just was glad that they were smiling and being happy together.

I sat down heavily on the floor, turning off the XBOX the best way I knew how at the time: Kicking the power bar it was plugged into until it turned off.

Yes. Yes I really was mad right now, but in a way I wouldn't have any other way. I was happy they were friends now. I was happy they were doing well now. I really was happy that the best people in the world were doing well…..

I stood up and went out of the room, deciding it was more than time for me to get something to eat. I left them alone in the room, and got some coffee. They were following me, but they didn't really seem to care. They smiled at me, before holding me tightly as I was busily filling up the kettle. "Be happy, little one."

"Be happy for what? Be happy you guys laughed at me?" I said, feeling a lot more wounded than I had ever believed I was. They hugged me closer, Slenderman's 'lips' kissing me gently on the top of the head. I was being cuddled by them tightly, until finally they let me go.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart, I really am. I just needed to cheer up a little." Slenderman said, his voice weak.

I sighed. "It's fine, it's fine….I'm gonna be okay. Now, let me get some food to eat would you?"

They nodded, and moved away, letting me fix a grill cheese. I fried it up quickly, devouring it happily. It was delicious, at always. However, I really was the only one to eat this….

When I turned away from my work, I was staring into the eyes of Slenderman and James. They were grinning at me, and they seemed to be having one of Slenderman's trademark conversations-without-speaking.

Knowing they were probably using it as a means to laugh at me some more, I pushed past them and walked up the steps to my bedroom. I looked around at the familiar place, and sat down on the bed, putting my cup and the grilled cheese down beside me. I blushed quietly, looking around at me awkwardly. Did they really like me?

Did they really like me at all?

I bit my lip, not even sure where my mind was going with this. Did it matter, though? I could always go back to who I had been before and play Minecraft….

Like nothing mattered.

Feeling sad, I started eating, devouring the sandwich without even tasting it now. I couldn't taste any of it. I moved onto drinking the coffee, and not even noticing how it burned my tongue.

Eventually, I got to my feet again, and went to my computer. I turned it on and began to load Minecraft. Midway through, someone gently touched my shoulder and said quietly, "Smile, kiddo."

I looked over, and looked into the eyes of James. He was sighing, biting his lip. "Please trust me, little one. Please smile. You are really beautiful and I wish I could apologize for everything that had happened to you."

I grinned weakly up at him. "It's okay, James. I am fine. I just…..I just am not ready for you guys to treat me that way."

I bit my lip, and he hugged me tightly. "I'm so damn sorry. Be happy, little one. Please be happy."

I blushed, and nodded into his chest. "I'll try James….I promise I will try."

He nodded, pulling back so he could look down at me. He grinned, brushing back my hair. "Don't cry little one. Come on, how about we go and get all of us some ice cream?"

I smiled at him quietly, and nodded. He took my hand and led me down the steps and back to the kitchen. Slenderman was there waiting for us. He hugged me tightly, and he had already guessed our thoughts and prepared a trio of amazing sundaes. I took one of them and a small spoon, liking how he had made it just the way I liked it. I blushed, and lead the way to the living room. We sat down together, and started to eat ice cream.

Eventually, I said quietly, "I love you guys. I really do."

They smiled, and hugged me tightly. "Oh, I know you do. You can't resist either of us!" Slenderman laughs, kissing my hair happily.

James grinned widely. "You really can't. We are too perfect!"

With that, the pair of them started to sing: "Too sexy for our shirts! Too sexy!"

It took me all of my energy to not throw my ice cream at them. The pair of them, realizing they had successfully annoyed me once again, stopped singing and let me hug them. "Oh, you two. I just love you both so much right now…."

They let me go, before they smiled at me. I bit my lip quietly, looking down. Feeling awkward, I knew I would love them for the rest of my life.

Slenderman and all of us eventually finished eating our ice cream in happy silence. We eventually stood up and hugged each other tightly, before Slenderman grinned at me. "Want to go downstairs and watch a movie with us?"

I grinned widely, nodding. The group of us went downstairs, and he put on a horror movie. We curled up together, watching TV. I grinned over at Slenderman, who seemed honestly terrified at what was unfolding on screen—even though only the opening credits and beginning death scenes were on. I looked over at James, and he was happily watching with a wide grin on his face.

Smiling widely, I reached over and held onto the hands of the two people I loved. I grinned and felt both of their heads land on my shoulders, watching with me.

I had never been happier.

When the movie ended, something odd came on the screen.

It was an image of a giant floating creeper head.

It spoke through the speakers: "We need you all. There's a new portal opening. You need to move, and move now."

I turned off the TV, looked over at the men I loved, and kissed them gently.

We were going to go and fight, and do whatever was needed. But for some reason, it didn't feel like it mattered at all.

Everything was okay.

Slenderman would protect me. James would be my friend.

And Haruhi would be my light when I slept.

Everything would be okay.

And you know what? Even if I never helped people, even if I never did something right again in the world, I had saved it once. And wasn't that good enough?

I was happy, for once. I would always be happy.