I thought I was done with being used and feeling this way. I thought I had escaped it. I thought I had stopped feeling like I meant nothing at all. I thought things had gotten better! I thought that…I'd never feel meaningless again. That a simple "No, I won't have sex with you" won't result in the loss of a friend. Or, at least, someone I would have badly liked to call a friend.
What's wrong with me? is anything wrong with me?
If nothing is wrong with me, then why does no one seem to really…want me? Well, plenty of people WANT me, but for the longest time…..All they wanted was my body. They wanted a PART of me. The sexy part. The intellectual, poet, blogger, and author didn't faze them whatsoever. They never even gave a damn about the rest of it.
It kills me inside to think that they can be so cold to me. I just don't understand their thinking—how can they make a beautiful, wise girl feel like complete crap just because she won't spread her legs? Online, or in real life: This is not something I'm going to do.
I just wish I could understand why. There has to be a better reason than the fact that they are obviously as damaged as well. There has to be a better reason. Why isn't there a better reason? Why doesn't anyone actually seem to think about their actions?
Why does no one try to stick around when they realize you won't give them what they want? Why does no one stay when they realize you're taken? Why does no one want…friendship? Why does love tend to get between things and ruin all other chances of human interaction?
I thought I deserved better than this. Well, don't I? After everything, don't I deserve to escape this pain? Don't I deserve to not be hurt anymore, because I've suffered so much? Broken down so much?
But, right now, I just want to break into tears in a crowded cafeteria filled with people who don't really seem to give a damn about me. Maybe they would give a damn if they saw me cry, but….
Does it even matter? I mean….I am not who I was. I am not a whore. I am not a skank. I am not a slut. I am not someone's bitch. I am not MEANINGLESS. I am NOT worth less than dirt. I am not useless. I am not without purpose.
I am MORE than a set of holes just waiting to be used, damnit!!!
I don't know about you, but that line was an awesome line.
I am Alexandra H Wong, and I am BADASS.
I am a gamer girlfriend. I am loyal as fuck, hilarious, kind, compassionate, adorable, talented, sweet, gentle—and I don't deserve to be treated like I mean nothing. Damn everyone that disagrees with me: I deserve to be treated better than the way I am so often treated.
I shouldn't feel like crap just because some asshole decides to ditch me just because I won't suck his itty-bitty wiener.
I should feel HAPPY he's gone because I no longer have to be in the company of such a fool.
I'm beyond amazing. Everything I am is deserving of love, and NOTHING I am is deserving of cruelty like the cruelty that has been dealt to me.
My dear readers, it is Monday at approximately 9 am. I am exceedingly tired and just a bit angry at the universe. I feel vaguely like kicking someone, and I actually haven't even had a good conversation yet!
I did, however, get to spend around half an hour--off and on--under the covers, snuggling MY chunk of sexy man-ness. And isn't that a mental image I'm certain all of you wanted!
Shawn's like a furnace, and I lose heat incredibly fast. However, there is a point during the day where I am actually warmer than Shawn. A point during the day when my hands are warmer than his. Of course, that is usually a point in time when he can't snuggle me to warm up, because the person running the universe is a fudgehole.
Def: Fudgehole, insult: Someone who has a rear end fashioned entirely of year-old fudge.
I am, other than being slightly miffed, unbelievably proud of Shawn. In a week of living here, he has: Handed out over a hundred resumes at essentially EVERY BUSINESS IN THE AREA, procured for my lovely self a birthday gift, made me laugh and cry, watched Black Butler with me, and GOT HIRED AFTER THE FIRST INTERVIEW.
He is now a lovely employee at _________, which happens to be right by my school! And he seems to really like it there, which is good, because he's WORKING FULL TIME.
My man is a sexy man.
My man is a sexy, SUCCESSFUL man.
I am PROUD of my darling man.
Side-note--I'm noticing it is hard for me to compliment him. Okay, it's hard for me to compliment ANY ONE. The words just seize up in my throat, and I feel like punching myself--anything to get the words out. I need to learn to be nicer. He deserves me to be a lot nicer....
I'm really glad he got the job, because now he will be able to afford an apartment of his own and he won't have to stay with us forever/move back in with his parents. He said that, if he hadn't gotten a job in four weeks, he would've moved in with his parents.
So, right now I'm torn.
Should I celebrate?
Yes, yes I should--my man is HERE, my man LOVES me, and he has gotten a job so he can STAY WITH ME!
Now for the bad stuff--and don't look surprised, because I know you were waiting for it.
Unfortunately, his full-time schedule just happens to be the opposite of school.
Monday: Five pm to ten pm. If I take the bus, I get home at....3:30. It's a half hour drive to work, and a long bus-ride. I also have therapy tonight, which would finish at four--so no Shawn today, I guess.....
Tuesday and Wednesday: Same as today.
Thursday and Friday: Five pm to MIDNIGHT. Guess what! The bus from his work to my house DOESN'T RUN THAT LATE. So my mother, bless her heart a trillion times over, will be driving him home from work.
My dear loves, I'm going to get lonely.....
I go from a week of All Shawn, All the Time to No Shawn, No Time.
I can't wait for the weekend.
Fudge you, Mondays....
Just fudge you.
Now to go to class, and act like I give a damn.
Which I don't.
In case you were wondering.
The One and Only (And Ever-So Lonely) Half-Mad Writer.
Yay. I am so agonizingly tired. Probably because I wrote a huge amount of poems before ten am. Now that it is a slightly saner time, I am cursing myself for typing so much. My hands are stiffening, and I hate that feeling. I can't fight that feeling.
I don't know why I'm even bothering to write this. I've got little to say. No real advancements to report.
Okay, so I haven't been 'round and I seem to have utterly lost a large chunk of my readers. At the very least, my bitchin' poems guy has seemingly disappeared...v.v
I liked you, dude!
And you, other friend of Justin!
All of you guys rule o.o
Anyways, so I'm not entirely sure what to do with myself anymore! I mean, do I try and resume the schedule, or do I just decide to screw everything and just post ALL of For Love of Minecraftia, HER, and maybe the next installment of the Talents?
I'm not sure right now, guys. What do you want me to do? Hell, how many of you even care anymore?
Things were going so well--I had daily comments, huge amount of readers, a schedule...Everything was going according to plan. It was an honest-to-god blog that was gaining in fame. I was doing so damn good. I also cared more about ADVERTISING myself and the rest of the people here at Regaining Wings. Unfortunately, though, that has of course changed. I just...stopped caring as much, I guess. Which sucks hugely, in case you haven't noticed. I didn't want to stop caring, ever! I wanted...to keep this blog going forever.
But then I got counselling.
And then Shawn moved in.
And my dropped class in period one means I can sleep in until eight.
SO I NO LONGER HAVE TIME.
I'm sorry, guys.
You know what?
I AM going to post all of For Love of Minecraftia today, but HER is going to remain as weekly posts.
The Talents, meanwhile, will...require more thought. I might post the next volume of it, but....
So, let's do this.
Chapters fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, AND twenty of For Love of Minecraftia will hit the interwebs the second I set it up.
A few months pass. I'm back at school, and life is going very well for me. Haruhi still comes to visit me in Minecraft when I'm dreaming, Slenderman is now the proud owner of a very successful blog, and James and I have become very close friends. We've decided that we wouldn't be together, because apparently, if two Gifted get together and have children, the likelihood of the children being used to open the portal between worlds increases dramatically. The ability of those children to resist it also decreases quickly, so basically it would really not be a good idea to get together. However, I have the feeling that we're going to be friends for a very, very long time.
My life is really good. I don't play Minecraft, but why do I need to when I can just access it easily in my dreams? We're working on rebuilding the base and the area that was blown to bits during the final battle. I decided it wasn't worth rebuilding the home that Herobrine had destroyed so long ago. My maze still stood, though, so very tall and proud. I was even getting some people to add to it. Drizzt Do'Urden has taken to living in it. He says he finds peace in its multicolored depths.
Sometimes I will never understand that man….
Granted, would I ever understand any of the people that had turned up in Minecraft? No, I never would. Almost all of them had gone back, even the young boy who had led me out of Herobrine's keep that fateful day. I never found out who he was…..
I hoped the kid was okay. I had liked him quite a bit, even though I had only known him very briefly. He had called me 'miss', which was definitely not something I had ever been accustomed to hearing. He had been so kind to me….
I looked around me. I was lying on my back in bed, thinking and daydreaming. I hadn't told anyone yet about what had happened with Herobrine that fateful day….
I went down to the steps, and found Slendy. He hugged me tightly, and kissed my cheek. "You don't need to tell me, my beautiful one. Now smile and be happy I am so proud of you for absolutely everything that happened."
I blushed furiously. "You really love me that much?"
He nodded, and he smiled. "I also read your mind. I knew ever since the fight ended that you had done that."
Vowing I would find out about him the next time I slept, I looked over at the area in front of the TV where Slenderman and James tried to out dance each other. I watched in wonder, trying very hard not to laugh at their efforts. God They were so funny!
Especially Slenderman. Crazy demon he may be, one that has been alive for an impossibly long time, but he could not dance at all. He was the absolute worst I had ever seen in my life. Every move he made was a good beat behind the dancers on the screen, every move was done awkwardly and clumsily, and well…..I can't even begin to describe how hard I was laughing by the time they got to the middle of Bohemian Rhapsody.
"What is this infernal machine!" Slenderman yells, staring at the Kinect. Okay, he really didn't get the Kinect….
"It's one of the most awesome things ever invented by man, Slenderbutt!" James yelled at him, tripping over his own two feet as he did so and bringing Slenderman down with him.
The pair landed in a tangle of limbs and screamed accusations.
"You did that by distracting me!" James yelled, shoving at him. Slenderman grows extra arms and pins him down, letting out a roar from his face that's not a face. James doesn't react, and instead screams, "You dance even worse than I do!"
Slenderman stopped roaring at him, and looks at him curiously as if he has never seen him before. "I dance worse than you?"
James nodded, not seeming to sense the hush in the air. Nor did he seem to catch the air of malevolence that was emanating from the demonic man I had chosen to love with all my heart. "You can't keep rhythm at all, dude."
The song ended, and after a while only silence was in the room. Maybe James finally sensed it, because after this he didn't open his mouth again, instead just lying there in fear. I swallowed, biting my lip. I was getting a little paranoid now. "Don't fight, you guys. You both mean a lot to me, and hell, I doubt that I can dance any better than either of you."
The pair of them looked at me, and asked me as one, "Do you want to prove to us that statement?"
I looked around at the room. "Um, no?"
They grinned, and came over to me. "Oh, no, you're going to dance now kiddo." Slendy says to me.
"Yeah, and you're going to suck, we're going to laugh, and we won't fight any more." James went on.
I blushed quietly, looking around at them. "Please don't make me dance, you guys…."
They laughed, and set me up in front of the Kinect. I stared at the TV nervously, and they chose a song. They went for a pop song, one that automatically made my brain hurt just by watching them choose it. "I'm going to kill you two."
They laughed at me, before starting the song. They had set it to hard mode…
I will spare you, dear readers, the massive amount of humiliation and tripping that followed. I will spare you how the pair of them fell off the chairs and rolled around everywhere on the floor. I will spare you how they laughed together and hugged each other tightly, staring in wonderment at the horrificness that was any attempt I made at dancing.
At the end of the song, the pair of them might as well have been as friends since they were little kids. They were joined in their love of me for a time, and even though I knew that that camaraderie would eventually lead them to issues, I didn't care enough. I just was glad that they were smiling and being happy together.
I sat down heavily on the floor, turning off the XBOX the best way I knew how at the time: Kicking the power bar it was plugged into until it turned off.
Yes. Yes I really was mad right now, but in a way I wouldn't have any other way. I was happy they were friends now. I was happy they were doing well now. I really was happy that the best people in the world were doing well…..
I stood up and went out of the room, deciding it was more than time for me to get something to eat. I left them alone in the room, and got some coffee. They were following me, but they didn't really seem to care. They smiled at me, before holding me tightly as I was busily filling up the kettle. "Be happy, little one."
"Be happy for what? Be happy you guys laughed at me?" I said, feeling a lot more wounded than I had ever believed I was. They hugged me closer, Slenderman's 'lips' kissing me gently on the top of the head. I was being cuddled by them tightly, until finally they let me go.
"I'm sorry, sweetheart, I really am. I just needed to cheer up a little." Slenderman said, his voice weak.
I sighed. "It's fine, it's fine….I'm gonna be okay. Now, let me get some food to eat would you?"
They nodded, and moved away, letting me fix a grill cheese. I fried it up quickly, devouring it happily. It was delicious, at always. However, I really was the only one to eat this….
When I turned away from my work, I was staring into the eyes of Slenderman and James. They were grinning at me, and they seemed to be having one of Slenderman's trademark conversations-without-speaking.
Knowing they were probably using it as a means to laugh at me some more, I pushed past them and walked up the steps to my bedroom. I looked around at the familiar place, and sat down on the bed, putting my cup and the grilled cheese down beside me. I blushed quietly, looking around at me awkwardly. Did they really like me?
Did they really like me at all?
I bit my lip, not even sure where my mind was going with this. Did it matter, though? I could always go back to who I had been before and play Minecraft….
Like nothing mattered.
Feeling sad, I started eating, devouring the sandwich without even tasting it now. I couldn't taste any of it. I moved onto drinking the coffee, and not even noticing how it burned my tongue.
Eventually, I got to my feet again, and went to my computer. I turned it on and began to load Minecraft. Midway through, someone gently touched my shoulder and said quietly, "Smile, kiddo."
I looked over, and looked into the eyes of James. He was sighing, biting his lip. "Please trust me, little one. Please smile. You are really beautiful and I wish I could apologize for everything that had happened to you."
I grinned weakly up at him. "It's okay, James. I am fine. I just…..I just am not ready for you guys to treat me that way."
I bit my lip, and he hugged me tightly. "I'm so damn sorry. Be happy, little one. Please be happy."
I blushed, and nodded into his chest. "I'll try James….I promise I will try."
He nodded, pulling back so he could look down at me. He grinned, brushing back my hair. "Don't cry little one. Come on, how about we go and get all of us some ice cream?"
I smiled at him quietly, and nodded. He took my hand and led me down the steps and back to the kitchen. Slenderman was there waiting for us. He hugged me tightly, and he had already guessed our thoughts and prepared a trio of amazing sundaes. I took one of them and a small spoon, liking how he had made it just the way I liked it. I blushed, and lead the way to the living room. We sat down together, and started to eat ice cream.
Eventually, I said quietly, "I love you guys. I really do."
They smiled, and hugged me tightly. "Oh, I know you do. You can't resist either of us!" Slenderman laughs, kissing my hair happily.
James grinned widely. "You really can't. We are too perfect!"
With that, the pair of them started to sing: "Too sexy for our shirts! Too sexy!"
It took me all of my energy to not throw my ice cream at them. The pair of them, realizing they had successfully annoyed me once again, stopped singing and let me hug them. "Oh, you two. I just love you both so much right now…."
They let me go, before they smiled at me. I bit my lip quietly, looking down. Feeling awkward, I knew I would love them for the rest of my life.
Slenderman and all of us eventually finished eating our ice cream in happy silence. We eventually stood up and hugged each other tightly, before Slenderman grinned at me. "Want to go downstairs and watch a movie with us?"
I grinned widely, nodding. The group of us went downstairs, and he put on a horror movie. We curled up together, watching TV. I grinned over at Slenderman, who seemed honestly terrified at what was unfolding on screen—even though only the opening credits and beginning death scenes were on. I looked over at James, and he was happily watching with a wide grin on his face.
Smiling widely, I reached over and held onto the hands of the two people I loved. I grinned and felt both of their heads land on my shoulders, watching with me.
I had never been happier.
When the movie ended, something odd came on the screen.
It was an image of a giant floating creeper head.
It spoke through the speakers: "We need you all. There's a new portal opening. You need to move, and move now."
I turned off the TV, looked over at the men I loved, and kissed them gently.
We were going to go and fight, and do whatever was needed. But for some reason, it didn't feel like it mattered at all.
Everything was okay.
Slenderman would protect me. James would be my friend.
And Haruhi would be my light when I slept.
Everything would be okay.
And you know what? Even if I never helped people, even if I never did something right again in the world, I had saved it once. And wasn't that good enough?