So, it looks like it has been a very, very busy week for me. It has also been a very quiet week over here on Regaining Wings. I haven't posted much of anything for days now, including the chapters of For Love of Minecraftia and Her. I know I've been away, and I'm sorry about that. I'm not sure what to do to make up for it, but I hope all of you understand why I haven't been around.
You see, this darling little place has gone from being my savior to my demon. This has become incredibly painful for me, as I've become forced to maintain a crazy pace and I've started getting less and less cathartic release from my poetry than before. It's started being meant to help people instead of help me. It's stopped being good for me to stay, and started becoming quite stressful. I should never have let this happen, and I hope I can undo it. I hope I can return to it being balanced--part blessing and part work. I don't want to stop enjoying writing just because it is no longer 'just me'. Now, I have plenty of devoted fans and plenty things to do and undo. Now, don't think that I'm blaming what's going on with me on you. It just means that I am currently working my way through a lot of hardships, and the added stress I was putting on myself due to my blog was something I couldn't handle.
Now, I'm going to own up and tell everyone just what has happened to me. I'm going to talk to all of you about the fact that the time has come: I am officially no longer hiding from my parents. I am getting mental help, and I am going to take control of my life and fight the Madness. I am going to examine my psyche, and figure out why I'm suicidal/damaged. See if there's any way at all to fix just what happened to me, and how I'm going to go about beating this damned thing.
I intend to beat this damned thing.
I am going to destroy the Madness....
I know it's source now. I know why it's here.
The Madness is here because of Emily Victoria Packard.
I fell for her years and years ago. She was the first girl I ever loved, but I failed to save her. She was suicidal and depressed. A cutter. An alcoholic. A sex freak. She was bipolar. She was absolutely everything that could go wrong in a person, but I went head over heels for her and never once regretted it. I tried beyond reason to help her, but I couldn't help her. I just couldn't help her.
So I walked away from her, and I never forgave myself for it. The Madness is my guilt for failing her. For failing everyone.
You see, Emily ended up killing herself. I know, rationally, that it wasn't my fault and that there wasn't anything I could do. I know that I was beyond amazing to even try and help her. I know that so many people would not have even tried, but....Still. I wish I could have done more, and now I feel like I don't deserve happiness. I never even said goodbye to Emily....
I will not be able to forgive myself for a while yet.
So, now that I know the problem, I can work my way towards the solution. I can figure out how to get better. I can survive. I can be happy.
I'm going to be alright.
I am beyond amazing, and so is my boyfriend.
Shawn was going to confront my parents about my mental health, and get them to understand that I need help. He was going to make me get help, even if I didn't want it. Unfortunately/fortunately, I told them myself on Monday.
When I almost tried to kill myself.
I'm sorry, guys. I'm sorry for everything.
Okay, Shawn is also amazing for another reason--he's going to move here probably. He's going to be able to see me every day, and be here whenever I need him. He'll get a one-bedroom apartment, and we can be together a lot. I can go and visit him and we can be together.
I am a lucky, lucky dork.
I love you, my darlings.