I guess I just don't understand something. I don't understand how—and why—I cheated as much as I used to. Y'all know how many relationships I've been in—probably better than I do. I mean, I've been through a lot of strange/bad things. I've cheated and lied plenty of times. It has never seemed to hurt me very much, right? I mean, if everything I did caused me pain, I obviously wouldn't do it—right? Right?
Wrong. I always hate myself for cheating on people. I can't lie to myself anymore. I can't blame it on others anymore. It really just hurts. It has always hurt me, but now that I finally have someone who is able to look beyond all of my neuroses and faults….I can't cheat anymore. I can't risk losing this man. I can't risk him on anything, and so I am going to fight as hard as I can to ensure I never cheat again.
I have been a shitty girlfriend for a long time now. I've kept way too many secrets and caused way too many problems. I have asked for a lot more than I have given, and things can't keep going this way anymore. Things need to change, and so things WILL change. Things WILL get better. I WILL make them better, for myself and for everyone I'm with.
I can't keep being selfish. I need to provide more support, and understand more. I need to listen more and care less about the outside world. It's time I focus in on my beloved one.
Am I strong enough to say I love him? I don't know. I mean….I seriously don't know. I really hope I'm strong enough. I hope I can look beyond all of his failures and past mistakes/actions—just like he has looked beyond all of mine. I don't want to be the bad one in the relationship.
Logically, Shawn knows that I'm still in my Player Stage. I'm still revelling in causing people pain and playing with their emotions. He knows any relationship he seeks with me will be filled with drama. He knows I am still three years younger than he is, and still has a lot of issues to work through. He knows I'll probably cause him pain.
Logically, he knows he should run like hell.
Emotionally? The heart wants what the heart wants, and his heart wants me.
I really hope it keeps wanting me. I mean, I have never been happier in a relationship. I have never felt more supported, or more cared about. I have never understood, so clearly, that I was loved and would always be loved. I have never felt better, or happier.
I don't think I believe in true love. I don't believe in someone who is my perfect match in EVERY way. I don't believe in someone who's interests match mine—and I would be crazy to try and find that.
Shawn may not like musicals, but that doesn't mean he isn't amazing. He is a dear. He is kind and good and dorky. We can talk and laugh. He cooks amazingly well.
I like him a lot. Even if he ISN'T one hundred percent perfect, he's beyond better than anything I've been with.
Besides, he can handle as much bullshit as I can throw at him. Who among you would be willing to let me be your problem? I'm dramatic. Overstated. Loud. Crazy.
I hurt people.
If he can stand up to everything I put him through, then who am I to do any less?
I am going to match him in awesomeness, because THAT is what he deserves.
And he is going to match ME, because THAT is what I deserve.
Wish me luck,