I thought I was done with being used and feeling this way. I thought I had escaped it. I thought I had stopped feeling like I meant nothing at all. I thought things had gotten better! I thought that…I'd never feel meaningless again. That a simple "No, I won't have sex with you" won't result in the loss of a friend. Or, at least, someone I would have badly liked to call a friend.
What's wrong with me? is anything wrong with me?
If nothing is wrong with me, then why does no one seem to really…want me? Well, plenty of people WANT me, but for the longest time…..All they wanted was my body. They wanted a PART of me. The sexy part. The intellectual, poet, blogger, and author didn't faze them whatsoever. They never even gave a damn about the rest of it.
It kills me inside to think that they can be so cold to me. I just don't understand their thinking—how can they make a beautiful, wise girl feel like complete crap just because she won't spread her legs? Online, or in real life: This is not something I'm going to do.
I just wish I could understand why. There has to be a better reason than the fact that they are obviously as damaged as well. There has to be a better reason. Why isn't there a better reason? Why doesn't anyone actually seem to think about their actions?
Why does no one try to stick around when they realize you won't give them what they want? Why does no one stay when they realize you're taken? Why does no one want…friendship? Why does love tend to get between things and ruin all other chances of human interaction?
I thought I deserved better than this. Well, don't I? After everything, don't I deserve to escape this pain? Don't I deserve to not be hurt anymore, because I've suffered so much? Broken down so much?
But, right now, I just want to break into tears in a crowded cafeteria filled with people who don't really seem to give a damn about me. Maybe they would give a damn if they saw me cry, but….
Does it even matter? I mean….I am not who I was. I am not a whore. I am not a skank. I am not a slut. I am not someone's bitch. I am not MEANINGLESS. I am NOT worth less than dirt. I am not useless. I am not without purpose.
I am MORE than a set of holes just waiting to be used, damnit!!!
I don't know about you, but that line was an awesome line.
I am Alexandra H Wong, and I am BADASS.
I am a gamer girlfriend. I am loyal as fuck, hilarious, kind, compassionate, adorable, talented, sweet, gentle—and I don't deserve to be treated like I mean nothing. Damn everyone that disagrees with me: I deserve to be treated better than the way I am so often treated.
I shouldn't feel like crap just because some asshole decides to ditch me just because I won't suck his itty-bitty wiener.
I should feel HAPPY he's gone because I no longer have to be in the company of such a fool.
I'm beyond amazing. Everything I am is deserving of love, and NOTHING I am is deserving of cruelty like the cruelty that has been dealt to me.
I'm going to be more than fine.
--This was written a few days ago.