Saturday, March 2, 2013

~~My Role Models and My Recovery: Life and Daydreams Post~~

Who do I look up to in life? Why am I even thinking about this? I'm not entirely sure....

I think I shouldn't bother asking why I'm thinking about it, and just roll with it. My life has gone quiet, in a way I much enjoy. Things are simple, and while I make no claim to things being necessarily "good" they have improved. Those that seek my body have backed off, and a handful of friends have been made. Naturally this will lead to complications later on, but yet I care not.

So much I care not about. So much, so much! But yet so little at the same time.

In the end, what really is wrong with me?

A past I'm overcoming?

An addiction I'm coping with?

Self-esteem issues that are slowly sliding away?

Loneliness I rarely feel?

A broken heart that's restarting feeling?

What's wrong with me but the things I say? I need not to be saved, for there is nothing wrong with me. All the drama, all the hell....All of it can be handled and tucked away. All of it can be dealt with. My past haunts me only if I allow it to, and I don't want to allow it to.

I can go so far. I WILL go so far. I will be amazing. By the gods, I am amazing.

I speak so much of agony, when in truth inside I am recovering. I am recovering. I am recovering.

I am alive.


And this is due to so many things.

My blog readers--You, so loyal and so many and yet oh so few, have been with me through thick and very very thin. I love you for standing by my side for so long. Silent you were but ever listening, a worthy bunch of friends and long-forgotten loves. So much I owe you. So much I love you for. So much, so much, so much!

My friends--Even though you may not know everything, you're there for me. I am LUCKY to have such an amazing bunch. Patience, Mara, Sun-Jung, Fatum, Jen, Sarah--seeing you all brightens my day endlessly. Sara, John, Kyle, Dylan, Robert, Dave, Damon--you remind me every moment of every day that I am not alone and that I am strong. Especially you, Kyle. Seriously, there's scarcely a moment when my phone isn't buzzing with a text from you. I love you all for listening, and being ever so curious about the young-but-so-old girl you know and love.

My writing--Without this skill of mine, without my own natural affinity for it, where would I be? I write so much, I live so much, just through the power of words. Words can change the world, for they are a way to transmit and transplant ideas. I can change the world with my words, if they are the right ones and to the right people. I love the words for their power, and I curse them for their power just the same. So much I have suffered because of words. But, yet, so much I have grown! A contradiction, that. Is there anything in this world not a contradiction?

My eyes--With these eyes of mine I have seen so much. I have seen the daylight just starting to grow in the sky. I have been blinded by sunlight shimmering off of snow. I have watched Ian play horror games and laugh at my expression. I have seen so much, in my almost sixteen years. Even though I wear glasses, and cannot see clearly, I still see. I am so grateful for that. Because of my eyes, I can truly know this world is not a lie, for I can then accept it as truth.

My heart--Ah, such a broken strong thing! A shard, a light, a bit of gold! So much inside and so well hidden, when in truth there's nothing hiding it. I am not ashamed of who I am. I am not afraid to open my heart to you. I won't guarantee I'll let you in, and of course there will be a price for admission and you'll need to leave at closing time, but staying for a while might be the best. My heart is strong, and it beats still, coursing with life. Thank you, love, for giving me so much. I am still live and I shall forever cling to that thought. I feel. I DO feel. I do exist. I do love.

Myself--I'm incredible, am I not? So young but so extraordinary already. I am imperfect, but perfect all the same. Perfect for a few, a death sentence for others....I am me. I am unique. I am heaven. I am hate. I am me. I am me. And I will never give up. I will never stop fighting. I'm too damned foolish to quit! Too wise to give up. Too hopeful to ever stop believing. Too me to understand when it's best to end the fight. I attract people to me like moths to a flame, so quiet but yet so loud. I'm not normal. And that is the exact thing that makes me amazing.

Ian--I thank you. I owe you so much. You have been with me through more hell than I can believe, and you've believed in me every step of the way. Put your faith in someone who told you time and time again she wasn't enough, that she would fail you. You'e believed in me when no one else would. Been proud of me when I fall, because you know I'll get back up. You have made me believe in love again. I do love you. I do. I do.

Emilie Autumn--Ah, she is the one I will never have the opportunity to truly thank. Emilie, oh lady of the night, oh beautiful girl. So much stronger than I. The parallels I draw between us are imagined, for your life is a tragedy and an inspiration. You have lived more than I ever will, and done more than I will ever hope to do. As long as you are still kicking, I will keep right on kicking. Thank you, from a Plague Rat.

I love you all. For everything you have done, and everything you never have done, and everything you will do.

Now, to listen to Emilie Autumn and smile, for I know....

I am alive.

I am alive....

I am alive, and I know I am in need of no one but me. I can survive on my own. I can. I feel alone and I curse it, but in truth I can survive it...

I have to ask, all of you.....

I have to ask: What if?

What if I told you I was always okay? What if I told you that this is the point where I can move on, and look back at myself, and say: "I'm not that person any more. I have been through worse."

What if I sat down, poured you tea, and asked you, "How much sugar do you want?"

What if I said to you that I love you?

What if I smiled at you and whispered, "I'm not afraid. I never was."

What if I held you close and told you, "It was never your fault."

What if I asked you, "Are you with me?"

What if I asked you, "Do you know?"

Do you know how much I love you?

All of you....

Do you know how much I love you?

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I love you, random stranger. Thanks for dropping by, and for dropping a line. --Half Mad Writer