Thursday, March 21, 2013

~~Hey, It's A New Day: Life Post~~

Last night didn't go too well....

Granted, did any of us actually expect that it would? It was rough, guys.....Really rough. I'm so tired today, even though my mom and I got breakfast and I downed two coffees, each with three 18% creams and one with three sugars. I'm going to have a heart attack.

At this moment, I'd almost be grateful for it if I did....

I barely slept that night. Wept. Thought a lot. No dreams, that I can recall. I'm having second thoughts....

He held me last night. We cried together. We cried so much....

He knew it was his fault. He regretted it so much....Never really listening. Always being perverted. Never....Being enough. He was thinking the past few days on everything he had done wrong, wishing there was a way he could fix it....

I don't know...what I should do.

I'm going to miss cuddling him.

Kissing him.

Holding him.....

Just...loving him.

I'm going to miss it.

I DO miss it.

I kissed him one last time before I left last night. It tasted of salt and soda....

Salt from tears, not from chips, by the way.

I'm trapped between Ted, who would do anything to change and be better and get me back, and Ian who just wants me to be happy.....

Please, can't there be a clear bad choice?

Didn't this..already happen?

I chose Ted last time.

I choose Ian this time.

No.....No going back.

I just reread one of Ian's poems for me.

The last lines:

As broken as you were,
you were beautiful to me.

Ian took my case expecting to lose me. Ian expected to see me die. To be there, feeling my last feelings, my final emotions screaming one last tormented question: Why?

Why this? Why me? Why this, again? Why don't the gods pick on another? Why am I so weak? Why am I so numb? Why? Why, why, why....?

But.....I don't think he expects to lose me any more.

I'm resilient. I have so much hope....

Today is a new day.

Tomorrow will be better.

One day, I will stop regretting.

One day, I will heal.

One day, I will see him.....

One day..........

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