~~The Fog of Youth~~

"Ah, so calm, so collected
Why don't you dance the dance?
So pretty, so smart, so new to the world
Why don't you take the chance?

I won't hurt you
That's a promise I make to you
I won't lie to you
I won't be another selfish lover to you

I won't be like them
I won't be like the ones you hate
I won't be like the ones
Putting you in chains you can't escape..."

But that's what they all are
Every last one of them
I write them off so fast
I have no need of them

They're so easily replaced
So many kind hearts
So many comforting hugs
So many false starts

They're so easily replaced
So easily overcome
So easily forgotten
If only I could forget what they'd shown.....

If only I could forget
And pull the veil over my eyes
Go back to my childhood
To where the sun doesn't cry

I wish I could return to the girl
Who was so innocent, so blind
But she's no longer me
And she never would have survived

Even though I long for the veil
This awareness, this swift mind
Is more than I had ever wished for then
And indeed I'm glad of the life that is mine

I have amazing things in truth
So many things I didn't have before
But still I wonder what would have happened
If I had shut the door?

What would have happened
If I had said no?
How much of this life
Would I never know

If I hadn't made the choices I did
Woke up, and felt so much shame
I wonder how different I would be
If I had never played the game?

Would I still regret the choices I made
Before the end began?
Before the spiralling staircase
And the call of the void, with the voice of a man?

I wonder, but I should not care
This is the life I now lead
I guess it's time for me
To end this, and go read

But yet I care not to
For my mind still runs poetically
My fingers still tap at the keys
And my blog has need of me

So many have said they would never hurt me
So many have backed off if I asked
So many have damaged me, broken me
And only one has been tasked

With keeping good care of my slowly beating heart
Caring for it, and marvelling as it grows
Watching me heal, watching me love
One day I hope to grant him with better shows

The honour and joy of seeing me dance
And laughing for real
I wonder if he knows how much he means to me
Because he's the only one that makes me feel

So much of me I have to give
So much I'm afraid to show
I know I'm honest
But I don't know if he really wants to know

Every thought in my mind
Every darkness I conceal
Does he want to really see?
Does he want me to be real?

I will try to trust him
For he's the only chance I have
So, marry me, Ian love
May we never be forgot