Tuesday, March 26, 2013

~~An Idea of Beauty: Life Post~~

Am I...beautiful? That's a thought that has been going through my mind for god knows how long. I have a lot of issues that have been discussed here--mental, physical, emotional, etc.--but this is definitely going to be one of the reoccurring ones. I'm always going to be wondering if I'm beautiful. I'm always going to be wondering if I'm amazing.

Maybe, one day, those emotions will change....

I don't know if they will or not. I know that I hope they will though. I want to be happy. I want to believe I'm perfect. As perfect as Ian makes me feel....But, that's not right now is it? I should be secure in myself. Secure in the knowledge that I am beautiful, that I am good. I should be secure in that. I should never feel worthless--to walk that road is to take steps closer to shattering. Steps I have worked so very hard to undo....

Can I ever believe that I am beautiful?

I have been told I'm hot, sexy, tempting....

I've been lusted after, men have worked to claim me, but have I ever believed I was beautiful? I've stared at myself in the mirror, wondering at my small breasts and pot belly, the not-that-great-legs and wondered: How do so many want this? How do so many want me?

But then my eyes focus on my hour glass waist, and I turn to the side and look at my image. Alright, all I need to fix my body is that dammed pot belly....

And that's easy enough to fix! Work out again, watch what I eat, and bam I'm all set! Not like I haven't had to fiddle with it before....

All of what I just wrote was written out of my insecurities. My accursed hatred of my body, my worries of: What if I'm not enough?

What if I'm not enough...?

What does Ian SEE in me?

I'm scared....


Wait, no. Don't think like this Alex, don't. He loves me for everything I am: Curves, pot belly, small breasts, and all. And really, is a C that small? Not really.

He loves me and if he sees me as beautiful, if all of them were attracted to me, than I must be beautiful.

I must be beautiful.

I am beautiful.

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