~~In the Shame~~

Surviving the things I have,

You'd think that I'd be used to it.

Swallowing up my dignity

And whispering out for help.

You'd think I'd be used to it.

Being lost, but there's not much to it.

I'm just a kid, and that's alright.....

I'm alright. I'm alright.

Or am I?

Does it actually matter?

I've come this far, done this much.

Seen the way I've lived.

Fought so hard, but I can't breathe....

If I was brave enough

I know I'd heal.

If I was brave enough

I know I could change.

I'll be able to one day--

At least, I hope I will.

It will be a long run.

A very long run...

My life is dark.

My will is good.

I can fight....

I can fight.

There's nothing I won't do.

Nothing I won't say.

If it brings me back to you,

And out of this shame.

Everything I've done.

All the things I've done wrong.

I would die for you.

Firefly....

I'm your Firefly.

I'll shine my light, and guide you out.

I'll flicker and I'll glow,

But I'll keep you okay.

I'm your girl.

Let me marry you.

~~A "Practical" Angelican Dictionary: Life Post~~

Alright you guys, my personal project will one day be making its way to everyone.

When I say 'one day', I mean....One day. Seriously ONE DAY. It's going to take a long time, but one day the entire Angelican language--and the font required for the characters--will be in your hands.

All free of charge.

Love you guys.

~~Shut Up~~

You say that I'm just a girl?

You say that I don't care?

You say that I am numb?

How dare you, how dare you!

You wouldn't live if not for me.

You wouldn't scream if not for me.

You wouldn't exist if not for me.

Shut up, shut up, shut up--you need me!

You're the one I'll run from.

You're the one I will end.

You're the one I'm fighting now--

So get out of my sight!

I'm just a kid, that much is true.

God knows I say that

As much as you.

But just because I'm young

Doesn't mean

I'm not strong.

I'll be the one to kick your ass.

I'll be the one to burn you down.

Back off, you don't want to fight

Someone who's lost it all!

I'm not the one who will fall.

I'm not the one who will end.

I'm not the one who will give in.

I am the one who will win.

Back off, shut up--you're not me.

Madness, dark one--you're not me.

I am so much more than you.

I'm in control, not you.

I've had you here my whole life.

Sure we've danced, but that's not right.

We'll never dance again, this game is done!

Shut up darkness, let me be.

I'm a kid, and this is me.

I am beautiful and I am amazing.

I don't care what you say--I've earned

A right to peace!

And peace is not what I'll get

If I let you take me down.

So please understand me when I say:

I don't need you any more!

I've gotten so far now, so much more than you.

I've lived my life without you.

I don't need you. You're not my strength.

To put it simply, you're not me!

I'm everything, and you are nothing.

Understand that, and be quiet.

I will watch you burn.

I will win.

~~Fall Within~~

Are you ready to burn?

Are you ready to fight?

You've been avoiding it.

You've been pretending

It doesn't matter....

But I know you can hear me.

I know you're listening to me.

I know you know I'm here.

It's not like I ever left you....

I'm your Madness--your deeper sin!

Every bit of you that you hate

Rests within me....

I know you hear me.

False Angel, 'perfect girl'--

How much of a lie is that?

Broken girl.

Weak girl.

Cheating girl.

Childish girl.

Lying girl.

You're just a girl.

No one special....

You're just a girl, and I

I am you.

I am your darkness. I'm right here;

Waiting for you, my love.

Don't wait any more--you know

You want to see me again.

Let me hold you...

Let me love you....

I'm the one that will love you....

Even as you burn....

Even as you die....

I will NEVER let you go.

I know how much

You love to hear that.

So afraid.

You're so afraid of failure.

You don't trust anyone

Not to leave you, do you?

You don't believe

That they'll forgive you?

You don't believe

That they'll understand?

I think it's time

You admit that they don't matter.

You're just numb, and that's

Exactly how I like you.

My darling little fool.

Love me, accept me, understand me.....

I'll be the only one

Who will never go.

I'll be the only one

You can rely on

When your world burns.

So fall with me....

My hand's held out to you.

You're so close to me, my love....

Take my hand.

~~For Me~~

Selfless all my life

Not able to say no;

Dozens of little lies

Just to keep up

A good show.

Giving it all just

To make another smile;

God knows I can't take this.

No, I couldn't take this

For a while.

I think it's time I rest.

I think it's time I recover.

There's places I must be.

People I must see.

It's time I take some time

To breathe.

All these things I've done....

These battles lost and won....

Don't you think it's time

I took some time to live?

Haven't I made you proud?

Haven't I done enough for you?

I've been trying oh-so-hard

I've been falling for you

I know I've made mistakes

But doesn't that just mean

We're okay?

I'm human....

I am human....

And I need a break.

I need my time to breathe.

My love.....

It's time I live for me.

It all comes down

To loving myself.

It all comes down

To loving me.

It all comes down

To valuing myself.

Self worth is what I need.

I want to get better.....

I want to get well....

I want to love....

I want to be happy.....

I want to be beautiful....

I want to be yours.....

I'll be okay.

I'll be okay....

I love you.

I need to love me.

~~Ah, the Fates~~

Ah, my life

How trustworthy and reliable

A pattern to be followed

A trend to be broken

A handful of friends

A broken batch of trust

Ah, how understandable

How usual it is

If only I could shatter it

Break out, and flee

Cheerfully and darkly

Burn it, burn it all

Consign the past to the flame

As I burn myself

Run flame across my skin

Cry out in agony, and peace

In delight and in cold

Forget it, and move on

My life, how glorious

Is my life

As the fates dance and mock

As I mock them

As I burn

How glorious, how glorious!

How glorious it is

To burn

To burn as the night falls

Burn as the day ends

Burn as the world finishes

And speaks to me:

"Young one, you dance

"Young one, you burn

"Young one, your life

"Is done."

How wondrous it would be

If I could end

But I cannot.

I must fight to be proud

Must fight to love

Must fight until I can rest

My goal's in sight, and I

As always

Remain my only obstacle.

I will find my way

To peace

No matter what the Fates

Demand of me.

~~Woof~~

Sometimes, out of boredom

I become easily amused

Cat ears, collar with a bell

Blogging in class

Webcomics and things

This is what my life is like

Casual, amusing

Or simply boring

Right now, I'm just doing what I want.

What are y'all up to? Paying attention in class?

Probably not...

I'm definitely not

Substitute in English today

Why bother paying much attention

When very little matters?

Dearest loves, how are you?

Hugo's around today

Good. I won't be bored

Well....He is going to go and eat lamb

This really isn't a poem any more.

~~MANIC DEPRESSION: Song Post~~

Alright guys, I'd like y'all to follow a link for me. You know me--I usually have the fancy colored text that you can click on, but unfortunately I'm in school right now, Youtube is blocked, and so is Youtube. So HERE! Or maybe..... [here!](www.youtube.com/watch?v=Us7IYd04m1M‎)

Alright dudes, I've got no clue if that worked or not but have at it!

Well, dudes, that song there is currently the one thing that keeps my mind working right now. Keeps me able to function. Anime North was absolutely incredible, but the transition back to normal is kinda kicking my ass. Tonight, though, Imma play some Blaz Blue and hopefully keep working on that blog post for y'all. And also for myself--I want to remember that amazing weekend.

I saw Slenderman hug Jesus, ya bastards.

Okay, so I basically didn't bother doing the math work and right now Raphael has me practising writing in Angelican. Long, slow process....But worth it. I'm starting to recognize some of the symbols. It's an alphabet, with a set of prefixes and suffixes that act as--in the case of prefixes--adjectives/adverbs, and--in the case of suffixes--part of a title. The grammar has the same laws as English, which makes things a heck of a lot easier. Basically, if you want a word in Angelican, just write out the English word using Angelican symbols.

When I can, I'll upload a basic dictionary. Yes, there are actually several terms/words in Angelican that aren't just the English word. For example, the word Shaxevrexa in Angelican is the Higher Term for a variety of things--Hell, Death, Darkness, Sin, Hatred, Annihilation....

Okay, what I'll do is I'll find a notebook and start doing these translations daily, upload the English poem and a photo of the Angelica one, and that'll be that.

It's going to take a loooong time...

Here's what he's making me do today:

THE SEEDLING

One small seed

One drop of rain

One storm

One disease

One stroke of luck

One bitter scream

One tear drop

One blood bond

Two skies

Two doors

Two fates

Two deaths

One, one only

One unique seedling

One world of choice

No meaning

Well, I'll show that to y'all later. I'm going to go home....

See you!

~~Anime North: HOLY HELL~~

Oh.

My.

God.

How do I..even begin this post? This was just..ridiculous. It doesn't feel real. It cannot have been real.

Okay, so let's start off by breaking this thing off into sections: Pre-Anime North, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Post-Anime North.

What this post will be is just...memories and descriptions of everything that has happened to just try and capture the scope of my very first event at Anime North. It was...so amazing. So, if you're not interested in the happy stuff and just read my blog for the drama, then this ain't the post for you.

Welcome to my happiness.

By the way, most of this might not be finished tonight. I am really tired.

PRE ANIME NORTH

I absolutely adore her, but Sun-Jung and I cannot plan. We don't do that well. So, the day before--this was Thursday, by the way--we agreed we would leave school right after second period. Second period is math, and that ends at 10:40. And the opening ceremony was at 4 o'clock. It's a four-hour drive. So, we DID end up getting there early but oh my god it was marvellous.

Okay, well the night of Thursday ((strange way of saying that, I know, but I'm still so out of it that I really don't care any more so SUCK IT I HAVE CAT EARS ON)) and I needed to hear back from my girl about leaving school early tomorrow. And she didn't call me back. Or email me back. Or text me back. And you KNOW me, guys, I worry. I worry a lot. Well, she DID call back like..eventually, and she had freaked out because she saw ME freaking out and didn't know why but it was okay because hey she had talked to her parents and it was all cool.

Okay, and then it was bedtime and I was so insanely awake all night. I sucked at sleeping. It really was a long night....I was so excited!!!!!

And then it was the day of. I went in the base of my cosplay--black button down short, grey pants, and black three inch heeled boots. I also had black leather gloves on, and I had a shiny orange-ish scarf tucked into my shirt...I looked like a gentleman, actually. Well....Yeah, posts of my cosplay will arrive..sometime, yeah. I'm too tired to care right now.

Okay, well.....And then it was the end of class and we went driving.

The entire four hour drive was like..a dream. We were planning and talking and oh my god you have no idea what to expect. You don't know what will happen. You don't know how. You don't...know. It's just SO HUGE!!!!

And then...

FRIDAY

The opening ceremony.

We eventually found our way there just by following the cosplayers. And there were so many cosplayers. Just so many cosplayers. So many people from different animes--and there was millions of Homestuck characters, holy fudge god--and the opening ceremony was in a truly huge room in the Double Tree Hotel. Most of the events were either at Double Tree Hotel or at the Toronto Congress Centre, and they were across the street from each other so it was like really nice. The opening ceremony room was a truly massive auditorium with a stage at the far end, and massive chandeliers. It was so crowded that Sun-Jung and I--who got there pretty early actually--didn't even get seats. But that was actually pretty okay. We didn't stay for the entire time--we saw the opening act which was traditional Japanese drummers.

They played a set of three songs, and I'm trying to find their name right now...I can't remember who they were! But they were incredibly cool.

And then it was the introductions. We found the girl with the most adorable voice ever--her name was Eriko Nakamura She was so freaking adorable! The first time she spoke, there was absolute silence and then a collective "AWWWWWWWWW!" I just wanted to hug her so much....

There was J. Michael Tatum--who voiced Sebastian from the English version of Black Butler. Okay. EVERYONE just flipped out over him! Screams and laughs and ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMG he's awesome!

It was just amazing.

He was so...much hotter than I thought he would be. Google him! DOO EEEEEEEEETTT NAAAAAOOOO!

Done?

Good.

Of course there were other people like John Swasey and yada yada yada but we got like..really bored. So then we left and ended up catching the last fifteen minutes of a Les Miserables panel. It was really cool! There was around four people running it and around twenty people in the audience and they all just ended up singing. They sang One Day More, On My Own, and I think...one more song? Oh god, it was amazing! V from V for Vendetta actually was dragged up there and sang with them. When they did On My Own, V went down on his knees like he was insanely sad and people patted his head...D'awww it was so cute!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~PICKING THIS THING UP TOMORROW NIGHT~~

~~On Mortality~~

You would be shocked

At how little the world matters

As you watch it burn.

At how little regret

You feel

For ending it all.

You would be shocked

If you could listen close enough

To hear the mad, mad

Laughter

Pervading the air

As it escapes the souls

Of those who know

Just what they've done.

If you could see

What I could

If you could hear

The world scream

Then you, too, would wonder

Why.

Why this?

Why life?

Why continue on

When nothing is your reward?

Why fight, when all

The world

Burns?

~~One Word~~

One word, one myth

One scar, one weakness

One thing to take me down

One thing to make me hurt

One light to chase

One light to blind

One darkness to fall in to

One darkness to give in to

One dream to wake from

One dream to long for

One wish to whisper

One wish to cry for

One thing

One four letter word:

Love

Love, such a beauty

Love, such a good thing

So strong, so wondrous

Save me, please

Let me experience it

Let me chase it

You must let it go

You can't feel it

No, I can! Shut up

You're useless. I'm strong

I'm strong

No you're not.

I am.

You're just you--you don't deserve this

You're right.

I don't deserve to suffer

To be looked after, and kept safe

I don't deserve to be so weak

Weakness? Do you think you

Could actually be strong?

After everything?

Of course I can be strong.

I can stand on my own.

I WILL stand on my own.

I will earn pride in myself.

No more noble words

To mask weakness.

~~Please~~

Please….Forgive me now

I'm burning

Please….Forgive me now

I swear I'm learning

Please, don't abandon me now

I'll make you proud!

I'll make it worth it!

Don't…suffer for me

Don't hurt for me

Don't….

I know I'm broken

But that's no excuse

I'm strong, and that is all

I need to know

I need to be strong

I need to be good

I need to fight this

Or I will never win

I'm broken now, so please

Understand me…..

I love you.

I need you.

I can't control this any more

I can't handle this any more

I can't do this any more

I can't….

Forgive me!

I will

Don't worry….

I'll give you all of me

If you will have me….

You love me

I need to remember….

I need to remember

That you love me….

I need to stop forgetting

I need to stop fading

I need to stop hiding

I love you

That's all I need to know

That's all I need….

I'm sorry.

I need to be strong—

I WILL be strong

I adore you

I'll be okay

I need you….

Don't forget me now

Don't give up on me now

Please….I promise you

I will make you proud

I'll listen and I'll grow

Just don't leave me alone….

Give me something to chase

Give me something to fight

I need to know

That there's a reason

I need to know

That you will wait for me.

Please….Wait for me.

Please love me.

I'll make it worth it.

~~I WILL Be Proud~~

Ashamed no more, I must

Stand tall if I am to survive.

Broken down, and relying on many

For strength I ought to have myself--

That behavior can no longer be allowed.

Hurting Ian is not my best option;

Neither is hurting me.

He has suffered for me, and now

It is my turn to take the burden.

Heal, love, I'll be here

I'll be better when you return.

Heal, love, I'll watch for you

I'll be fine. I'll make you proud.

I'll make ME proud.

I have a long road, but I see the shore;

I can't swim, but there's a crossroad.

No more scars that can't be cleaned

No more scars that are my fault

No more.

I stand up now, and I'll be strong.

Ian....I do this for you.

I do this for me.

Maybe one day....

No...Not 'maybe.'

I WILL see you again.

I promise you that.

Just promise me you'll be strong when you come back....

Promise me we'll have learned.

Promise me....

I promise you I'll change

I promise I will keep you.

I promise I will earn you.

Please, come to me.

I adore thee.

I WILL deserve you....My love.

~~Okay. I'm an Idiot.--Life Post~~

Hi.

Yeah.

I'm an idiot.

This really sucks.

Ian...

I don't deserve you yet. I'm not ready for you.

I'm sorry.

I'm an idiot.

I should've known you were suffering. I should have known I was hurting you. I should have known. I should have been better. It sucks. It really sucks.

But I'm going to get better, okay? I WILL make you proud. No more noble words. No more weakness. It's going to hurt, but it's time I change.

It's high time I learn to swim.

I love you.

~~Confession: Poem and Post~~

Love....I don't know it
It's dark and soft--right?
It's..chains and whips
Domination and submission
No, no that's not it
Love...What is it?
I don't understand it
Is it sacrifice?
Is it pain?
Well, if it's pain
Then I feel it a lot
If it's sacrifice....
Then I don't know
I don't know.

Ian, it's....Time I was level with you. World, it's time I did the same.

I'm....I've been weak.

I've leaned on Ian for far too long. Leaned on my friends. I was weak. I took advantage.

Now...Now I can't do that.

Alright, so....I need to learn how to be alone again. Be self-sufficient again. Remember he's hurting just as much as me. Be less selfish. Paint myself into the role of a victim less.

Okay.

So.

We have big words.

We have little words.

What we DO NOT have is an actual PLAN.

To quote Ian's immortal phrase: Stop and think.

I'll do whatever it takes to get you back and to fix my life. I'll run to you Ian....Just you wait.

Just you wait...

I'll make you proud.

~~Is It Sad?~~

Was I a fluke?

Looking at the internet today

So many girls

Who do what I did

They handle it fine--

Why didn't I?

Was I a fluke?

Was I a freak?

I can't find enjoyment

In being enjoyed by others

What part of me

Is different from them?

What part of me

Keeps me from being that?

What part of me

Is more sensitive than them?

I don't understand it

I can't comprehend it

Why does my world change?

Why does the rain burn?

Why do I keep asking

Questions I can't answer?

Why am I alone?

Why am I with him?

Why do....

Is it sad

That I can't breathe

When right now

I have everything

I could ever need?

Why am I so cold?

Why am I so..like this?

Why?

There's no answer

And there never will be

Answers aren't what we need:

We need reasons

A cause to fight for

A wrong to right

We need to do something

We need to live.

~~It's Okay~~

We the lonely, together we burn

We the cold, together we are warm

We are broken, but together we are whole

I know that things are dark

And, personally, I can't survive it

But this will only be a moment

A pause, before eternity

A deep breath, before the jump

A bit of trust, before the ring

We'll survive, dearheart

We will be better

We will be stronger

Though the distance is great

Though I'm not strong

Though we both have little time

We will be together

Together, we will be

We will be together

I adore you, oh my wonderful one

My darling, my love

Please, do me the honor of marrying me

~~Acrostic Continued~~

I HEARD IT ALL

I wish I could say

How unique you are, by saying

Everything I knew you would:

"Alex, you're amazing. You make me

"Really proud of you

"Don't underestimate yourself!"

I wish I could say

That I haven't heard it before

All the things you say, I heard it all before

Let me go; sometimes it hurts to know how much

Love there is for me.

INSIDE MY SOUL IS A DOOR TO DISAPPEARING

Interestingly enough, I do feel alive

Never really understood my issues

Somehow, though, I feel alright

Inside me, there's still life

Deep down, where no one goes, is where

Enchanted gates keep the numbness locked away

Mirages of life flicker from in the gates

Yet, I'll never open them

Somehow I know, that if I did

On the day that I did

Understanding of the world would flicker away

Letting the darkness back in

If that ever occurred, I'd never live

Sealed away for good, but how

Attractive a fate that is at times

Death, beautiful and cold. Flowing

Over me like flame and fire and ice

Opening my  eyes and leaving them open as

Reason flashes away

Taking me away with it

Old scars fading before bleeding once more

Doubt boiling and blasting, before disappearing

In a flash of brilliant light

Sin and sadism, my new vocations

Activities I'll always follow

Personal thoughts and

Personal space no longer matter, as

Even as I die inside

All inhibitions dissipate and allow

Reality and fears to fade

Inside, I'll be free, but

Never doubt there will always be

Guilt for leaving you behind

LUNACY

Lovers, bitter and beautiful

Understanding, cold and gentle

No; let not those two mix

Agony is all we ought to know--

Crashes and flashes of madness are all we have

Yearning for better, unbitter, days

GIVE ME YOUR LIGHT

Glorious love, glorious light

Into you I fade away

Victory right before me

Eternity awaiting us

My heart and soul heal and mend

East-bound wind warm our frozen hearts

Yearning hearts, clasped and bound, become

One as the night slowly gives way to day

Under a brilliant red dawn, let us dance

Race across mountains, hand in hand

Love and tenderness are finally found

In each other, we find peace

Grace and gentleness float from heart to

Heart, as we finally find out the

Truth: We were meant to be.

DESERVING?

Darkness inside, the world gives no mercy

Eternity of agony, always fading

Shadows dance and crawl, before suddenly

Ethereal light begins to shimmer on the horizon

Rays of sun soon break through shadow

'Venturous hearts soon travel once more

Into the dawn, they walk and meet together

Names and words leap from lips

Glory begins to show, as healing begins.

SOMEHOW, WE HAPPENED

Soon, soon we'll find each

Other on the horizon

Meeting will occur, and all the maybe's fade

Every bit of doubt disappear

Hope, so often a burden, be rewarded

Obscenities often uttered, removed from vocabulary

Wondrous eyes meeting

Wandering hearts

Each and every bit of pain fading onto the distant

Horizon; joy and light

Accepting us into their number

Peace flooding within, as

Peace is revenged

Eternity awaits

Never letting the other go

Even though there's pain

Death won't keep us apart

BABY, OH BABY, I MISS YOU!

But, I know we'll see each other

Again quite soon

Bitterness and distance won't keep me from

You, the one I know I love. I

Opened my heart to you, and let you see the

Hope that's kept me going so long

Broken shards of me, you

Accept them and piece them

Back together, whole once more

Yesterday's feelings fade away

I just miss you a lot, is all

Maybe's, in their numbers, don't go easily

I know I shouldn't doubt, but yet

So many of these other voices won't

Shush and leave me be

You understand, don't you? How hard it is to go

On when there's nothing certain?

Understand how I feel? Of course you do....It's you.

~~Acrostic Assortment~~

BROKEN NO MORE

Beautiful, beautiful bitterness

Righteous suicide, addictive tears: Flow

Over me and drown me

Keep me locked inside my sorrow

End my life with your beautiful knife

Never let me go; never let me go!

No, no I want to be free!

Open the door and let me run!

My heart and soul: I sacrificed them at your

Orders given, so long ago. Please let me

Right this wrong, let me

Enter the world again.....

LET ME LIVE

Love, I'm sick of you

End this bitter game

Tempt me no more, release my brain

My heart is broken now. It's not

Easily repaired, so

Let me go, I scream

I can't let you in

Viciously I'll escape

Ending up alone....

I MIGHT BE OKAY

I know it's hard to say

Maybe harder to see, but

I am doing fine

God knows I've been through worse

Here and now, it's not hell

There's some light now

Broken still, but I know

Maybe one day, I'll heal

Open up my heart again

Keep myself alive

And then I will find my way to

You, my one and only love.

SIMPLER TIMES

Save me, now I scream

I can't let this happen

Make the world fade away

Please, just take me away

Let me go, and let me run. Don't

End up leaving me alone

Realize I can't go on my own

Take me with you, we need it

I deserve you, I deserve

My good times, my happy times

Easier days and happier nights

Save me from this hell, I need you now....

BEAUTIFUL

Bitterness is alright

Ending up alone is not

Ancient agonies have to fade

Understanding is all you need

Take away the darkness, replace

It with shining light

Fill me up inside

Undermine my idiocies

Let me live, and let me love

~~Let Me Love~~

Hurt inside ((I'm sick of this))

I'll stand tall ((I can't do this))

I am brave ((Never been so scared))

I can make it ((Make it where?)

Make those doubts disappear

Make those hearts stop aching

Make those souls recreate

Make me love, make me

Make me love for once

I am strong ((I'm too hurt))

I am amazing ((I'm just me))

I deserve this ((What have I done?))

I am me ((I'm just a fake))

Make those lies disappear

Make me feel better

Make my tears dry

Make me smile, make me

Make me smile truly for once

I'm alright ((I can't breathe))

I'm not alone ((I'm so lonely))

I'm with him ((He's so far away))

I know what I'm doing ((I don't know a thing))

Make me know what's right

Make me believe your words

Make me know this is real

Make me believe I do love

I do love, I do love you....

~~Confusion Central: Life Post~~

Ah, hello dearhearts! I believe it's time for a quick--and I do mean quick; I don't have that long to do this--story.

Well, loves, if you've been following me since the beginning you'd remember a guy by the name of Joseph. Yes, the guy who my stalker/enemy Beth always talks to; the racist, homophobic, sexist, and heavily Christian guy I used to have a crush on back in grade nine and turned me down.

Well, last night he sat beside me on the bus and told me this: "I actually...did like you. I was just too scared of getting hurt again to tell you."

YOU WAITED TWO YEARS TO TELL ME?

I got over him a good long time ago. And I've been ignoring him quite successfully for about a year and a half now. And now he tells me?

Now, when things with Ian hurt so much, but by the gods they're worth it?

Now, when I'm finally managing to do well?

Now, when I least want someone around?

Okay, well my delightful readers, I regretfully didn't turn him down automatically. I wanted to be nice. Nice is bad. Nice is really bad. By "didn't turn him down" I mean I didn't tell him to go to hell. So we talked a bit last night on the bus, and he said he had been depressed for the past two years and really regretting what had happened between us. Well, I got home and then forgot to talk to Ian about it.

I was hugely missing Ian last night and I was scared and oh-so-sad, because he wasn't there and he was always napping when all I ever want to do when I get home is talk to him....And then I thought for a bit about breaking up but then NO, no no no I can't even think about that....But then things got better because we Skyped and played UNO and now we're okay. I just needed to see him to blast all the doubt away. He does need to be around more....But, hey, he's out of school in about three weeks so...we'll be able to talk more before I travel. It'll be okay.

Um, well back to Joseph!

This morning, he sat down on the bus beside me and he gave me fake flowers; he said he couldn't find any real ones in the garden.

I want to make a very sad point: I dated Ted for a year, and he never once gave me flowers. I know he doesn't have the money for it, but...COME ON DUDE! Anyways.....It just sucks. So, the first flowers I ever get are from someone I haven't spoken to in years and no longer like? A guy who, logically, should absolutely hate me?

WHY, WORLD?! WHY!?!

Do you hate me, life?

Do you really hate me that much that you would do this?

I'm definitely not going to go out with Joseph. I might be lonely, and I might desperately be needing touch and comfort and someone here, but I am NOT THAT DESPERATE.

I just...GAH!

I don't know what I'm doing!

I don't want to be mean to him, because unfortunately I pity the dude.

Yeah....The world hates me.

I'm so tired of this....

Ian, baby, when you read this....

I love you.

Just....Hug me super-tight, okay? Please?

I can't do this alone....

And now, I gotta run loves. I'll try to post more later on in the day, but if not, I'll see all you darlings tomorrow morning.

Bye, oh my beautiful ones!

~~It Was Worth It~~

I'm scared and I'm afraid

I'm dead and it's all a lie

I'm alone and no one's there

Even though I hear their voices

No hands reach back to mine

I'm scared and I'm crying

I'm dead and I'm screaming

I'm alone and...you're there

I can hear your voice

And your hand is in mine

I'm scared and you're holding me

I'm dead and you're kissing me

I'm alone and never alone again

I can hold you close

I can feel alive with you

It was worth it, by the gods

All the screams and all the pain

It was worth it, I can't believe it

All the darkness and all the hell

It was truly worth it

I know I've suffered, but now I'm here

I know I've died, but here I'm alive

I know I've wept, but you dry my tears

I know I've lied, but you make me true

I know I've feared, but you keep me safe

Even though the journey's been long

Even though I regret so much

You make me proud to say I'm here

You make me proud to be who I am

You make me happy, to have come so far

Even though I can't rest yet

One day, soon, we can sleep

In each other's arms, finally at peace

We will rest, we will be safe

And all of our pain

Every inch of our paths

Every final drop of our tears

Every bit of ash

Every drop of rain

Every scar

It will be worth it

It's worth it now

To be able to say I've found you

Stumbling and scrambling

Desperate and diseased

I've finally come home

Home to where you wait

Video games and tea

Dark chocolate and red pepper

Warm hugs, and soft kisses

Thank you for being there

Thank you for letting me in

I'm proud of where we are

I'm proud of who you are

I'm proud of us

So broken, but yet so alive

Mercy, mercy, others would have died

Mercy, mercy--we need none

Stronger together, we are made

Invincible by our bond

Unending, infinity, eternity

Endlessly, I'll wait. Endlessly, I'll love

I'll let you in, I swear I will

Just keep me safe, and I'll give you the key

Let's live together, travel together....Let's go.

~~You Aren't Mine~~

Don't say you love me

Don't say you need me

Don't hold me close

Don't tell me you'll never go

As beautiful as your promises are

They'll hurt me; I know they will

Even though, with you, I feel safe

That doesn't mean I won't regret it later

I don't want love, please

I have the man I need

I don't want that much care, please

I've got the one I need

Please, don't whisper to me

Don't pull me into your arms

As much as you find solace in me

I'm not your girl

Friendship is all we'll have

Please, remember that when I curl into you

Please, don't let me get close

I can't be hurt again

I know I'm so beautiful

I know I'm so perfect

I know I'm so kind

I know I'm so fun to cuddle

But I also know I'm dying inside

I also know I'm scared

I also know it hurts at night

When I'm on my own

I know I reach to you

And let me take hold of you, please

But I need you to never

Hurt me....I can't be hurt again

I'm just a child, no matter

What I've gone through

I'm still five years younger

No matter how old I act

Please, take care of me

Treat me with intelligence, and don't

Fall for me; for if you do

I'll be hurt, and I can't let that happen

This will be the last time

I will ever be hurt

This will be the last time

I will ever get close

 I can't trust any more; your intentions

I know they are good

But I still can't trust you, still can't let

You where I let him walk

I can't let you touch

The secret part of me

I can't let you past

The wall that's always there

I can't let you go

Where he belongs

I can't let you in; into

Into my heart....

~~I Might (Not) Leave~~

I'm not sure how much longer

I can stand it here

I'm not sure how much more

I can really take

I want so bad to stay

But there's too much loneliness

I want so bad to tough it out

But I ain't that strong

I want to be stronger

To make this last

But I don't think I can even try

To stay longer than I have

But, no, that's wrong

I can make it, right?

No one is stronger than me

No one is better than me

I can tough it out

I can make it through the night

There's an end, there's a brightness

There's something to chase

I can make it through the nightmares

I can make it through the haze

I can let it burn me down

For I'll just get back up

I won't die, and I won't give in

That's how I've been living for so long

I'm not going to give up

Just because of heartache

It's not the end

It's not goodbye

I'm not leaving

I'm right here, until I die

Don't worry, and don't you fear

I am staying right here

I'll give you my word if it helps:

I'm here until I die

Sure, things will be hard

And sure we'll grow up

Sure there will be doubts

But it'll be worth it in the end

I won't regret it

I won't examine it

It is what it is

And it's real

My friends, hold on to me

You know how much I hurt

My loves, take care of me

You know how hard it is

Don't abandon me now

Just because I doubt

Don't abandon me now

Because I need you with me

I'm far gone, but I'll

Be on my way back soon

I just need to breathe

I just need to breathe.....

~~Where Have You Been?~~

How far have you wandered?

Where have you gone?

Have you tried to sleep?

Have you ever tried to rest?

Where have you been heading?

How far are you getting there?

You look tired, please do

Come on in and get some tea

I know you're hurt, please don't le

Come here, let me stitch your wounds

I never thought I'd see you again

Somehow fitting, to see you dripping blood

No, please don't go

You're forgiven, did I even have to say?

Here, sit down please

I want to see if you're alright....

~~Bitter Beauty~~

Let me tear it apart

Let me make it cry

Let me set it on fire

Let me shatter it

Let me kill it

Let me love you, my beauty

Let me love you, my bitterness

Let me love you, my murderer

Let me love you, my angel

Let me love you, my heart

Let me be happy, darling one

Let me be happy, my best friend

Let me be happy, my protector

Let me be happy, my lover

Let me be happy, my creator

I'll do whatever you desire

If you make me be happy

I'll do whatever you want

When you tell me to

I'll do whatever it takes

To make me feel alive

I want to feel alive

I want to be okay

I want to be happy

I want to love....

~~Don't You Dare~~

Don't you dare feel that I don't love you

Because, even though right now I'm cold

And oh so old

I do truly love you, somewhere

Somewhere in my heart

Somewhere in my heart, there's

A shot of real gold

Somewhere that's still real

After everything I've suffered for

There's my reward

There's the part of me that loves you

That can let you in

The part that screams and howls

And will one day win

Win over the part that forces me away

The secret shame and all the fear

The demons that won't go

My darker side, my lonely side

The part I know you know

The part I know you accept

One day, that part will be gone

I'll be made real in your arms

But, until then, the gold

Will be torn in two

And I will be afraid

I will be so afraid

Of making you hurt, making a mistake

Making you go away--you know that

Don't you? You feel it

Don't you, my love?

Even though I know it's foolish

I'm still so scared

Even though I know it's wrong

I am still so scared

I can't even think of losing you

But I just wish I could feel the love more

On these days when I die inside

And I can't find my way home

When there is no going back

There is no going back.....

Well, I suppose I must answer

I must decide upon my definition of love

What is it to me? What do I care about?

Is love what I feel for you?

Smiling like an idiot or laughing like a fool

Wearing a ring every day to remember

That I'm not alone

Whispering your name

Crying out your name

Remembering your name

Dreaming of you

Is that love? If so, then why

Can't it over take me every moment?

Why can't it tear away my sadness?

Why am I still so cold?

If that's love, then why

Isn't it all encompassing?

Isn't it supposed to be that way?

What's wrong with me?

Is anything wrong with me?

I don't know, but I guess

That this is alright, I can survive

I can love you until the day I die

But only if that's what matters to me....

I love you baby.....

~~Normal Days, Darker Haze~~

Everything seems to drift away

As hard as I cling to you

I feel you pull away

As hard as I try

I feel myself push you away

I cling to you, cling to myself

Try to recall what I've been fighting for

Try to remember just what mattered

In the days when it doesn't matter

When it doesn't matter at all

I push myself down and stamp out

Every thought of leaving you behind

I whine and I whimper, trying not

To let the worry take over my mind

But it's far too late

I don't know why I'm so numb

I don't know why I'm so scared

I try so hard, but you're not really there

You feel so much that I can't share

And it's killing me inside

Even though my life has lessened

Even though my pain has gone

I still hide and I still scream

For the more that I relax

The more I'll fall at night

I don't want you to think that

I don't love you as much as I say

I don't want you to feel that

I am lying to you again

I want you to know

That I'm trying so damn hard

To make it out alive

I'm trying so damn hard

To let you in to where I can't shine

I'm trying to break down my walls

But every step that I take

Just makes me hurt more and more

But every movement that I make

Makes me worry that I'll regret it

But if love is blind

Then so am I

I'll love you til I die, and I

Will make it seem that we are true

I will love you til I die

And baby it's all for you

I don't care if it makes me hurt

I don't care if it makes me sad

I just want to love you

Until the day I die, so won't you

Keep me by your side?

Broken, but beautiful

Struggling, but oh so free?

Hurt and broken, but just wanting

To be your girl

Please, let me marry you....

Even as I fade, won't you

Keep me close by your side?

Won't you kiss me, tell me you love me?

Won't you make it all seem right?

I know you will....I know you will.....