~~You Could've~~

You could have done

So much for me.

You could have

Made me forgive you.

You could have kept

My anger from rising.

You could have done

So much better for me!

Get out of my sight....

Get out of my sight!

You could've made me love you.

But not tonight!

Get out of my sight.

I loved you once--

What more do you want from me?

I loved you once--

I won't prove that any more!

Get out of my sight....

I don't want to see your smile.

Get out of my sight...

I never stopped loving you...

Please, pretty please....

Get out of my sight.

Leave me alone!

I can't love you any more...

You could have kept me in your arms.

But you didn't.

You made me hate you.

~~Slip It Through~~

It doesn't need to hurt.

It doesn't need to bleed.

Hold on tight and let

Me bring you to your knees.

Love me tonight.

Love me tomorrow.

Slip it through the hole

And stitch me together....

I'll bleed for you.

I'll scream for you.

Bring me to my knees--

I'll die for you.

Slip it through the hole,

And pull it tight.

Stitch me together

In any shape you'd like.

Make me your darkened dreamer.

I'll be your ragdoll lover.

Slip it through the hole.

Slip it through the slivers.

Slip it through the scars.

Slip it through the tears.

I'll be your ragdoll lover--

Emotionless and unable to fight.

I'll be your ragdoll lover--

Just pull the string tight.

Pull on my leash.

Strap on my collar.

Pull the rope through the hole

And make it burn.

I'll be your ragdoll lover--

Just bring me to my knees.

Just bring me to my knees....

~~You Frustrate Me~~

I'm tired of you, ya hear?

I'm tired of your bullshit friendship.

I'm tired of your judging eyes.

I'm tired of everything I do

Not being good enough.

I'm tired of you never treating me right.

I'm tired of your gorgeous eyes.

I'm tired of loving you.

I'm tired of your smile.

I'm tired of trying so hard

To please someone who won't love me.

I'm tired of you being straight.

I'm tired of pretending it's okay.

I'm tired of never getting a gift.

I'm tired of never being appreciated.

I'm tired of never being listened to

When all I want to do is love you.

I'm tired of being alone.

I'm tired of not one single present.

I'm tired of you never trying.

I'm tired of your excuses.

I'm tired of you skating by

Because I love you.

I'm tired of you never figuring it out.

I'm tired of you in general.

I'm tired of saying you're my best friend.

I'm tired of being your friend.

I'm tired of saying

That I don't care about being appreciated.

I'm tired of losing so much for you.

I'm tired of always wanting to see you.

I'm tired of hoping for your voice.

I'm tired of wishing you would listen.

I'm tired of wishing you would see

The amount of things I do for you.

I'm tired of loving you.

~~Unless~~

Unless I awaken

From dreamless sleep

I will fall.

Understand me

When I say,

"I'm not here."

Undue indecency

Will make you

See.

Embrace, embrace

The things

You can't know.

Trust and believe.

Be blind.

Be blind to it.

To the pain and to the reality

Of your life.

If you

Understand....

You will fall.

Listen, please!

Listen to me, my love.

Don't....

Don't drown within yourself.

Awaken

From your dreamless sleep.

Awaken

From reality.

There is something more--

Pull the trigger.

~~Long Distance~~

How many times have

I played this game?

How many promises have I made?

How many things

Did I do

That dragged me back here?

A clutching hand.

A broken smile.

Silent bits of hope and pain.

A distant dream,

Drifting down the stream.

Loss and pain--

Pull me back again.

Addicted to the distance.

Drowning in the poetry.

Singing in the rain.

Drown me in you again.

Drenched in your tears,

A sorrowful girl

Dances alone

Beneath the flashing

Colored stars

Upon the hardwood stage.

Stay with me.

Please.

What will be done

To you?

What will be done

To me?

Long distance....

Long distance....

Will you always

Keep me close?

One day I'll run to you.

Keeping you at arm's length...

One day....

One day!

Love me

Please.

~~More?~~

The blog is not deceased.

The blog seems to remain.

Sorrow, sorrow--what

Makes it the same?

Tomorrow, tomorrow--why

Does it still remain?

Will there be more?

Will there be less?

Will the blog go on?

Will it go on past today?

Broken girl and smiling face--

Why do you remain?

I suppose there will be more.

I suppose it will go on.

Why should it leave

When it causes no harm

And hope can now be found?

Hope can now be found....

I'll be fine.

I think I found love.

I think there's hope now,; well

There really always was.

In my darkest times,

Did I ever let go of hope?

I'll stand by you

In my loneliness and goodbyes.

I'll be there for you

In my pains and farewells.

Don't think I will ever go,

As I rely on you.

Lovely readers, thank you kind.

You've eased my troubled mind.

Occasional words and gestures of hope.

Kindness and moving on.

Silent watchers at my melodramatic play,

An audience to applaud my every deed.

~~Hold~~

Hold still.

Close your eyes.

Hold still....

Don't turn away.

Don't stay away.

Hold me....

Please, just hold me.

I need you here. I need you.

Broken girl,;

A broken girl.

Dark dyed hair and golden eyes.

Will you smile at me?

Will you make me feel good?

I love you.

I still love you.

In the depths

Of my pain.....

You were the one to pull me out.

You were the one to keep me safe!

You were....

You were the one I loved.

You were the one who saved me.

Hold me close.

Hold me together.

I'm slipping....

I'm slipping away from you.

I'm screaming apologies

But you won't listen.

I'm trying to decide

But you don't care.

I hurt you so.

I know you won't forgive.

I know you won't forgive....

Please....

Forgive me.

Please. Hold me and keep me safe.

Hold me and keep me close.

With selfish hands, I'm reaching out

To pull you down

With me.

~~I Want to Drown~~

Drown me now, please

Pull me down, please

Wash away my sins

Wash away my soul

Drown me now, please

Drown me in my sins

I loved you once

I love you still

I don't know how

And I never will

Push me away

I'll push you away

I'll drown you in my tears

And in my laughter

Break me in two

Snap me in two

I'll

Be

There for you

Don't forget me now

Stand tall and marry me

Beautiful one

Oh my beautiful one

Why are you drowning me?

Why are you pinning me?

Why are you hurting me?

Why are you keeping me here?

Push me away

And pull me away

I don't want this any more

I don't want to be hurt

I left you first

I made it worse

I deserve everything

You say to me.

Break me, please.

Break me.

I want

To

Drown

In you

Because you are the ocean.....

And I'm good at drowning.....

I'm good....

At....

Drowning.....

~~Perhaps~~

Perhaps there's a dream

Perhaps there's reality

But I can't tell

Which is which

My mind is slipping

My soul is sliding--

Where will I rest my head

At night?

Perhaps there's a love

Perhaps there's a truth

But I can't tell

What is real

Sliding from me

And sliding from you

Touch me now and be

My beautiful one

I'm losing it all

I'm losing myself

I'm losing my mind, oh my beautiful one

Stay with me, please

Perhaps I can save you

Perhaps I can make it

Worth

Your while

Perhaps it is true

And perhaps it is not

But I just know that

There's a chance

Of it being real

Of it being true

I wish I knew myself.....

Perhaps I do

And perhaps I don't....

Perhaps it's a dream

Of loving you.

~~(No) More: Life Post~~

D'ya wanna know something, my dears? Why, of course you do--elsewise, why would you come here to this little place of knowledge and hidden secrets? Secrets that...truly ought to have been kept, methinks, if a life is to be had. I've said too much. It hurts too much to keep these silly things so very OPEN.

My dears, this blog is once more to be shut down. It is to be made into a wordpress blog (I apologize, Blogger, but you are blocked at school....) and I shall resume my stories there. I will have a handful of posts be sent to the Blogger blog still. There is a chance that this site will remain up, but I have many choices to make.

I have certainly said too much.

I need to make a site not at all associated with me.

My poems will be found there, as will updates from the Mansion.

The new blog will be made available to search engines, and any and all updates found there on my personal life will be done in code. It will no longer have mentions of my past. If it does, it will be vague.

What will be the fate of both Regaining Wings and Normalcy is Relative?

If they are not removed from the interwebs entirely, they will be made unavailable to search engines. The direct links will be the only way to get to these blogs.

Or I could decide I hate Wordpress and try to come up with another idea.

Fare thee well.

~~Merry Dreamer~~

Mercy, merry me

Mercy, marry me

Joyous light

Dying light

Fade away

Fall away

Save me.

Marry me.

Merry dreamer,

Laugh away.

Marry me, dearest

Dreamer of dreams.

Join with me.

A long, broken dance

Love me. Love me.

I will dance with you.

~~More or Less~~

Slip closer to me.

Slip closed the curtain.

Close your eyes.

I'm more or less fine.

Let's dream away.

All our troubles go away.

Slide from me.

I do not dream, more or less.

Hold me close.

Darling one.

I'll be yours.

You're more or less mine.

Let's stay close.

Let's press close.

Whisper my name.

It's more or less a game.

Stay with me now.

Stay, and be strong.

Beautiful one,

I love you more or less.

I'm not exactly sure.

I'm not exactly real.

We're close enough to happiness.

We're more or less real.

Love me now,

Love me less.

Keep me close, my dearest.

I'll be here forever--more or less.

~~Sneeze: Life Post~~

I have gotten sick.

I am unhappy.

And I am sick.

I don't want to be sick.

How are you?

I'm okay.

I have a headache.

It feels weird.

I don't know what to do.

I just want to go home.

~~Icing My Hand with Iced Coffee: Life Post~~

I feel extraordinarily Canadian. I'm using iced coffee to ice my wrist. It's helping, actually.

My hand hurts a lot today. I forgot my bandage last night on the bus, and so today it is quite sore. I also overworked it on Wednesday, and I am still paying for that. I am trying to be a lot more gentle on my hand today, so I am trying to get used to typing one handed.

USEFUL INFO

• Ian and I broke up Wednesday night
• I'm not sure who I am with. Likely single
• Hugo and I are talking again
• I'm trying to avoid Joseph
• My left thumb is also kicking the bucket--I jammed it a few years ago and it was never fixed
• I should really study more
• I'm tired
• My eyes are tinting gold. HINT: They always go gold when I'm having a mental breakdown

I'm doing okay, considering everything going on....

I love you, guys.

~~Not By Choice~~

I'm not in school by choice.

I'm not a submissive by choice.

I'm not this hurt by (conscious) choice.

What have we done

That we've meant to do?

What was our intention?

I didn't mean to be here.

I didn't mean to let you go.

I didn't mean to, but I still did.

The forgotten dreams--

Show me what it means!

Show me you meant to be here.

Prove to me this was your choice.

Prove to me you wanted this.

Prove to me you intended this.

You're not here by choice.

You're just as lost as us.

You're an accidental bit of pain.

Welcome to the game.

Welcome to the problems you created.

Welcome to what you meant to do.

~~This is My Revenge~~

Shut up and learn:

I'm not your quiet girl.

I won't stand for this treatment

That you inflict on me

Day after day.

Shut up and realize that,

Even though I play the victim,

I'll never be your whore.

I'll never bow down to you.

Smile and pretend I love you.

Make sure it's okay.

This is my revenge--

My own sick and twisted game.

Shut up and believe me

When I say

That it is all true.

Let me pretend

It's real.

Let me fool you into

Loving me.

This is my revenge

On the entire fucking world.

Tearing down what others build.

Burning every bridge beneath your feet.

One day I'll be

Ending this war.

One day I'll be

Ending my life.

One day I'll make

My entire fucking world go on

Without me, as if I

Had never been at all!

This is my revenge

Against me.

This is my own revenge.

~~Playing the Victim~~

Will you

Do this

For me?

Will you

Turn me away?

Make me stop

Playing

The victim,

And make me

Stand up

And mean it?

Admit that it's me

That did this

To

Myself.

Asked for every

Bit

Of pain.

Made myself

Suffer

Because I flourish

In misery.

And flourish

I do.

I grow so strong

When it

All

Goes

Wrong.

I can't

Admit

I'm leading you

On. My broken, sweet

Lover--

You're not

The one

I love.

My savior

Is not you.

Dearheart,

Possessor

Of depression

And giver

Of lectures--

It is you

I love.

While I play

The victim,

You play no games

With me.

So let me

Love you.

So change

My ways.

I have always

Been less strong

Than you.

My dearest--

Don't let

Me play

The victim

Any

More.

~~Until Your Heart is Still~~

Turn away from me

Leave me behind

Turn away from my twisted smile

I can never be kind

I loved you once

I'll love you again

I loved you when it was okay

But now I don't know when

It will be okay

I'm fighting to make it so

It will be okay when all of it is over

Peace, I will know

I'm fighting for you

I'm fighting for me

I'm fighting for your loving smile

As I turn your back on me

Let me go, my dearest one

Let me go tonight

Let me go, my true love

This can never be right

Walk away from me

Walk away right now

Walk away from me, and erase all traces

Of the girl you used to know

It's not worth the fight

Not if it's you who's fighting

It's not worth the war you're waging

It's my job to keep you going

I'll stand by your side

If you don't stay with me

I'll stand by your side if you never hide

Your meaningless agony

Hold my hand and tear me in two

Be the one I really need

Hold my hand and hold me tight

I'll be there when you bleed

I'll be the one to make you bleed

So torn up and so unsure

I'll be the one to save your life

My head's spinning in a circle

Love me, oh god, just love me

I can't go on alone

Love me, oh please, forgive me

I can't go on without the only love I've ever known

Keep me safe, I'll keep you hurting

Keep me safe, I'll keep you alive

Keep me safe, I'll keep you with me

Keep me safe, I'll show you how to hide

Torn up and confused

I'll show you what I mean

Torn up and drowning inside

With my tears, I'll wash you clean

I'll undo my every misdeed

I'll wipe my slate clean

I'll undo every mistake I've made

If you will understand what I mean

When I say I love you

And I always will

When I say I love you

And will love you 'til your heart is still.

~~Hand Issues: Life Post~~

I, my dearest ones, have become worried about my right hand. After a long, long life online I may have developed some sincere bodily issues. Anyone surprised? Certainly not me.

Well, yesterday I was priming a board to do a painting and my hand was causing me sincere pain. I am quite terrified of this fact, but…

I don't think I'll do a single thing to fix it. I'm not the kind of person to do that….

I definitely won't give up all the things I want to do.

But I will definitely be worried. Right now, it feels a bit stiff and somehow shaky. Not a good sign at all….

National Novel Writing Month is coming. I really can't risk my hand, so I don't know what I'm going to do. My thumbs are going, too, from all the texting I do.

Do I do NaNoWriMo?

Or do I try and save my hand?

Oh, god, I have to chase that wordcount down....

I have no other choice.

~~Less Title, More Poem~~

Creativity is being drained

Mentality is being drained

I think I'm slipping past

The edge where I used to be

My mind is being drained

My heart is being drained

I think I'm drifting off

Into a dreamless sleep

I think I'm sliding

I think I'm drowning

I think I'm going away

I think I'm sliding now

Will you save my life?

Will you save my heart?

Will you keep me safe?

Will you keep me alive?

I don't know what to call myself

I don't know what to call this poem

I don't know what to do

I don't know what to feel

Less title, more poem

Less heart, more belief

Find something to believe

Find something to know.

~~Smile~~

Bring me your energies

Bring me your pain

Bring me your glory

And bring me your demise.

Bring me your tenderness

Bring me your love

Bring me your agony

And bring me the knife.

I will smile if you laugh at me

I will smile if you run from me

I will smile if you turn from me

And I will smile if you cry

Bring me your lies

Bring me your truths

Bring me your dreams

And bring me to die

I will smile if you take my hand

I will smile if you kiss me

I will smile if you pull me close

And I will smile if you believe my lie

I will smile if you bleed out

I will smile if you pass on

I will smile if you love me

And I will smile if you hate me.

~~Poor Little Girl of Just Sixteen~~

Little girl of just sixteen

Just sixteen

Just sixteen

What has happened to your dream?

What did the men do

To your dream

When they tore you at your seams?

What did I do

To your dream

When you called out

"It's not what it seems"?

Little girl of just sixteen

Just sixteen

Just sixteen

What has happened

Since you were just fourteen

Just fourteen?

What did puberty do

To your dream?

To your dream?

Little girl of just sixteen

What did I do to your dream?

What did the men do to your dream?

Little girl of just sixteen

Sad little girl of just sixteen

Broken girl of just sixteen

What did you do to your dream?

When you grew up, what happened

To your dream?

Poor little girl of just sixteen.

Why are you turning from your dream?

Why is it not your dream?

Can't you stitch closed the seams?

Little girl of just sixteen

Won't you fight for your dream?

Your dream was good, little girl

Little girl of just sixteen

It was worth chasing, little girl

Little girl

Little girl

It was worth fighting for, little girl

Of just sixteen

Poor little girl of just sixteen

Just sixteen

Just sixteen….

Ever since you were fourteen

You haven't been a little girl

With a chance to chase her dream.

~~Guilt~~

I'll bow to you again.

I'll reach out my hand

And beg

To be washed clean.

I'll bow to you again.

Speak your name, and speak

A promise I can't mean.

Make a deal I can't fulfil.

Out of guilt

I'll fall for you.

Out of guilt

I'll take your life.

Out of guilt I'll turn away

As you scream my name

On your darkest night.

Out of guilt I'll run to you

On your brightest day

And drag you down with me.

Out of guilt I'll ruin you;

All the while

Promising I love you.

Give your soul to me.

Out of guilt I'll keep you safe,

Locked up right here

With me.

Out of guilt I'll trade

Your life for mine.

Wash my body clean

With your blood.

Out of guilt I'll erase you

From the books of history.

Out of guilt I'll burn you

Upon a pyre,

And sing your praises

To the sky.

I'll sing your praises

To the remorseless

Guiltless

Sky.

~~Okay, That's Fine~~

Figure out a way to cope

Look at yourself.

Figure out a way to breathe

Look at the world.

A part of you can hurt,

Another part of you can fail.

But just believe in yourself

And find another way to breathe.

Breathe with me

Today

Drink with me

Tonight.

Trust me, it's fine.

Just trust me, it's okay.

I'm not half dead just yet,

But I'll get close one day.

You want to end yourself?

Okay, that's fine.

You want to end the world?

Okay, that's fine.

Just tell me when you're going.

Just tell me when the sun

Burns. Just tell me when

And it will be okay.

All of us can hurt.

All of us can fail.

But can all of us

Find another way to cope?

Or will we drown

In the middle of nowhere?

Or will we drown

On our doorstep?

Will we lose it all

In the night

Or in

The day?

The sun can grow

And the sun can shine.

The moon can change

And the tides can swirl.

The winds can cry

And the bats can scream,

As long as you know

You're okay.

You want to get away

From it all?

Then find a way

To cope.

I understand

If you want to die;

But please

Find a way to cope.

Don't turn away from me

Without warning.

Don't burn the world

Without trying to save it.

Don't end it all

Without letting

It begin. Please...

Find a way to cope with me.

~~For Better~~

I'm not willing

To surrender anymore.

I'm not willing

To give anything away.

I'm not willing

To make my life

Change for the worse--

It's time I got the better.

I don't care

If I can't have one

Without the other;

I don't care

If I should be strong enough

To take this.

I want the better now.

I want the better now....

But the rational part of me,

The loving part of me,

The noble part of me,

Tells me I need to stay.

I need to stay and trust

It will....It will get better.

I know it could take years,

But I've gotta believe.

It might take long

But I'm willing to wait.

I hope I am, at least....

I want the better,

But can I take the worse, too?

Can I take the worse,

Or will I run

To the easy?

I don't want to run to the easy.

I want the better,

But I want the better

With the one I know I love.

I don't want to take the chances

On another

When everything I am....

When everything I am

Just wants

To keep

Trying for the better

While fighting through the worse.

~~Cling~~

Cling to stability

Cling to normalcy

I know you're slipping, but cling

Cling to the wall

Cling to the edge

Don't go. Oh god, I know

You're slipping more and more....

You're slipping out the broken door

I know you're slipping, but please

Slip your way right back here

Slip your way right back to my side

I know. I know.....

I know

I know.

~~When in Doubt: Advice and Ramble Post~~

When in doubt, make people laugh.

No matter how bad it gets, make people laugh. If you don't know an answer on a quiz, even though you've studied for it, come up with the funniest answer possible. Chances are, you'll still get it wrong, but then you'll come off as funny instead of lacking in intelligence. You might not get out of trouble, but make 'em laugh.

If you're shy, make someone laugh. Any way you can. Handle it with laughter. If you've got an accent, you're clumsy, or anything like that--just make them laugh.

You'll do fine, loves. Just make them laugh.

It took me a long time to figure that out. Many, many years of sadness and being bullied.

Don't take as long to realize it as I did, my loves.

~~You Know What Happened, Right?~~

You know what happened, right?

You know I got the guy?

You know I finally won.

You know I ended up finding someone

Truly, truly amazing.

You know I said something

To someone bad

That might get me in trouble.

You know I love Ian,

Despite all the distance.

You know I've changed my life;

Blocked all those who might hurt me.

You know I regret

Some of the people I left.

You know I still love

This darling little blog.

You know I fell in love

With those I should not.

You know I broke the hearts

Of those who said

They loved me.

You know I came close

To losing a very good friend

To death.

You know Emil survived

Despite all odds.

You know that I met a guy

At the Dare to Stand Out conference

And spoke with him for hours on end.

You know I came very close to kissing him.

You know my life is strange.

You know I'm stressed.

You know I'm scared.

You know I'm okay.

I'm okay.

I swear—I'm okay!

Trust me.

~~Let's Stay Locked in Black~~

Whether it's in mourning,

Or, in anger;

Let's stay locked in black.

Let's stay locked in darkness.

Let's stay locked in peace.

Colors only distract

From the smiles we all share.

Colors only show

The dripping tears.

Colors only make us believe

We're better off

Than we are.

Colors only make us thing

We're better off

Than the worst off.

Let's stay locked in black,

My slippery little friend.

Let's stay locked in our own pain,

And make the night rain

Black.

~~Truth~~

The fact is:

You can't believe a word.

The fact is:

There is nothing that is true.

I know it hurts

But it's all lies

I know it hurts

But nothing here is real

Sometimes it seems

Like it's too fantastic

Sometimes it seems

Like it's too good to be true

And maybe it is

True

And maybe it is

Fake

I won't presume

To know the truth

I won't presume

To tell the truth

I say what I believe

I believe what I say

I say what I believe

You need to hear

DISCLAIMER: I'm caught in a huge web of lies. I'm stressed and I don't know what to believe any more. I'm trying to unravel it. I should be okay....I should be okay.

~~Never Said Hello (or Goodbye)~~

You left me here alone

(But you never were by my side)

You were my friend

(But your touch was never known)

You passed away

(I never had you)

I can't forget you

(But there's so much I never knew)

~~It IS Worth It~~

Sometimes

It can seem

Meaningless.

Sometimes

It can feel

Cruel.

Sometimes

It can be

Hopeless....

But I promise

It won't last

Forever.

Sometimes

You can drown

In grief.

Sometimes

You can lose

Control.

Sometimes

You can fade

Away.

But I promise

There is a reason

Behind every pain.

Sometimes

You can scream

Questions.

Sometimes

You can break

Down.

Sometimes

You  can end

It all.

But I promise

There will be

A fresh start.

Sometimes

You can give up

And fall.

But I promise

You can get up

Once more.

I know it hurts.

I know it hurts.

I promise

It's going

To hurt.....

But I promise you

It will

Be worth it in the end.

~~Monday is NOT My Day: Life Post~~

I'm sitting in a computer lab in a university library. I have literally nothing that I can do right now. I am tired, anxious, and miffed. I have NOT had a good morning, and it is only Monday. To make things worse, I have a massively busy week coming up. Dear god. I'm not ready for this.

Well, I guess I ought to find something to do. I guess that would likely be to catch y'all up on everything I have been up to this past while.

What HAVE I been up to?

First off, I've been spending a bit too much time on Omegle. It isn't exactly my best idea, I know, but I still enjoy being on Omegle. Not the video version, of course. I just go on the text version. I've met a handful of interesting people, but no one of any real import.

Second, I'm pretty sure I'm slipping. A few relapses have occurred lately. Yes, I do hate myself for it. Yes, I do know that I do not need to do the things I do. I know I don't. But....It's not like I can stop it.

I do not know what to do with my life. I am scared and I know I shouldn't be scared. I know I have people I can rely on; but I don't want to. I don't want to rely on any of them.

School's been going alright. Good enough grades. Interesting subjects. Cool people.

Take today, for example. I'm at_____ Library for the entire day so I can do research for my Internal Assessment project in IB History. Okay, well....That means it's a really big, really important essay.

I'm doing mine, naturalich, on the treatment of the LGBT throughout history. Or, at least, something to do with that.

I'm looking forward to learning a lot. I do love learning....

My life is doing well enough. Ian and I are doing quite well. I love him very much. I'm playing Borderlands II with Kayvenn. I'm having random chats with Emil. I had a rather good sleepover with my girls.

However, there is--as per usual--hardship. One of the girls I know is jealous of me for always being the center of attention, and for OWNING weird. My hair, my style, my dress, my mind--I own weird. I'm brave and I stand out. She does not. She is NORMAL. I am, by no means, normal.

So, she does her best to insult me and to put me down. I have, on several occasions, lost my temper with her. I don't effing care about what she thinks.

I am so very tired, guys. My mind....I didn't get enough sleep last night. I was trapped awake with some people I knew. I need to clean up my Skype contact list.....And now.

Hey, loves? Whatcha up to?

Have all of you been okay?

I know basically none of you will answer this, but I want y'all to know that I do think about you guys. That I wish I was around more. I know I haven't...spoken to any of you in quite some time. I apologize for that.

Most of my life....

Most of my life is never going to be normal. I will continually have things I worry about. I will continually have hardships and pain. I will never know real peace.

However, I seriously doubt I would have it any other way. I thrive in misery and drama. I feel pain better than I feel joy. Depression is more familiar to me than love.

I will be happy and content with whatever life throws. I will never be broken. I will never be owned.

I will never fade away.

I am wonderful.

Here's a quote for you lovely people. It's from the song The Grey by Icon for Hire.

You tell me:

In your deepest pain

In your weakest hour

In your darkest night

You are lovely.

You are lovely. My loves, you are lovely.

I don't care how bad it gets....

I don't care how much it hurts....

I promise you: It is going to hurt. You are going to hurt.

But it WILL be worth it.

I promise you.

It WILL fade one day.

You WILL find the meaning behind the seemingly meaningless suffering.

And, my loves? Through it all, you will be lovely.

You are lovely.

Stay strong. I'll be right there by your side.

You will find the light one day.

And....You will never be alone.

Never forget that you are loved. Never forget that there is a reason. Never forget that, no matter how bad it gets, you are lovely and you are loved.

I love you all, forever and always.

~~It Should Hurt Less~~

The pain should decrease

(At least that's what you said)

It should get easier

(That's what you promised me)

We're still distant, but it's okay

(I wish I could believe that)

It's going to get better

(I know that. It has to)

I love you so much

(I wish I knew what to do)

You're a wonderful man

(Too bad you aren't here)

Darling, I'll give you anything

(There's nothing more I can give)

What you give me is enough

(But I promise it still hurts)

Stay with me

(I would die without you)

I'll forever be with you

(I promised you that)

It will hurt less

(I love it when it hurts)

You make me so happy

(When it doesn't feel like it's killing me....)

I will fight for you

(It's hurting me so much)

I won't give up on us

(I don't know what else to do.)

~~Still Works~~

I know it sucks

I know it hurts

But, hey, it still works

The world is dark

It still hurts

But my mind is fine

I'm still sane,

I'm still going strong.

I know it hurts.

I know it hurts....

I promise it's going to hurt.

But it works...

It always works.

Just stay strong,

Smile and breathe.

Make it work....

Fake it till it works....

Make it good....

Come on, just make it good.

It'll work.

I promise it'll work,

Even though I know it will hurt.

Make it through

Stay true to you.

Cling to the dreams

That race through your mind....

I know they'll fade

But for now

Just make them work.

Don't question your methods

Don't ask why.

That's just asking to die.

Move on and make it go.

Move on and let it go.

Just make it work.

Please, just make it work.

Everything

Will be okay

If you just

Make it work.

Smile and fake it

Smile and move on...

Smile and take it

Smile.

Smile and make it work.

Broken one

Maybe you

Will make it work....

Just believe

That faking it

Still works.

~~Matrix~~

We don't exist

We don't really exist.

It's a broken world

It's not here.

Let us go,

Let us be.

I want to get out--

But this is all.

Which way out

Or which way in?

Is it a simulated dream?

Or a broken thing?

~~I am Alive: Catching Up Post~~

Hello again, dearest ones!

I know, it has been a long time, was it not?

Dearest ones, I apologize.

First, I will make a quick list...

1. I went on a four-week trip at the start of summer. Paris, France. Bacharach, Germany. Brussels, Belgium. Amsterdam, the Netherlands.

2. The trip went incredibly well.

3. Summer was relaxing. Minecraft was a lot of fun. Oh, if you want to get your Facebook filled with my Minecraft world, add TheMansion PlaysMinecraft.

4. I'm back at school now. It seems to be going pretty well, actually. I like all my courses, even though it will be a bit difficult.

5. Joseph is still head over heels for me, and is dreaming about me.

6. The Mansion is working on leaving everyone for now.

7. I am tired.

That's a very brief overview. More might be covered later on.

For now, I'm in history class.

Love you.

~~Discontinued?~~

Was this place abandoned?

Was it left?
It is unknown, undecided.

Was it discontinued?
Was the gap between then and now

Too large to bridge?
Was I silent for too long?

What occurred?

A victory, or defeat?

I will not
Leave you to wonder:

This blog

Will

Return.

~~Not Yours~~

You don't own me.

You don't want me.

Pretend as much

As your ego can stand--

I won't be yours.

I'll play into your ego.

I'll make you smile.

I'll play into your delusions.

I'll make you forget:

I don't give a damn about you.

If you knew me,

Like you said you did,

You would expect this behaviour from me.

You would expect

Me

To push you away.

Hell, you'd be glad

When I pushed you away.

You don't want to deal

With someone who just might

Do what's smart for once....

But intelligence isn't listed

As one of my strong points.

And so you'll assume I'll stay.

And so you'll assume I'll smile....

Smile when you take yourself away.

Smile when you realize you were a fool.

Smile when you realize--

I never cared at all.

Master, Master

Back away.

Master, Master,

I'm not yours.

Turn away and accept it.

No matter how

Strong you are.

No matter how

Narcissistic you are.

You won't get near me.

I belong to another--

So accept it

And move on.

I'm not yours.

I'm his.

~~Why I Blog In the First Place~~

So many times I've questioned

Why I do things like this.

So many times I've pondered

My honesty and pain.

Why do I speak to you?

Why do I share my words?

Why do I act this way?

Well, the answer's simple.

It's how I deal.

It's how I cope with my life.

Without words, I would die.

I'd be forced to face reality.

I'd be forced to actually feel.

I didn't realize that

Until tonight, and now I'm

Questioning my methods.

I also question my method

Of writing in this way.

Strange breaks of

Speech.

Losses of rhythm

And no rhyme

That somehow

Make sense

In my mind.

What's going on with me?

You think I would know.

You also think I would

Care

That I had lost my readers.

Broken my promise

To post.

But I really don't.

Not any more.

I don't care about

Fame

Or being known.

I just want to recover.

I will recover.

I've been making myself

Sick

All along.

I should've known all along.

I should've done better.

But I didn't.

And now I must accept

The lost years of life.

I must move on.

Because there's nothing left that can hurt me.....

Nothing left but me.

~~I'm Ready to Get Better....~~

I've always thought it was hopeless

There would be no recovery for me.....

I always thought

I was done

Before I ever began.

I always hated

Myself

Others

Men

My family

My friends.

I always blamed

Others

My family

School

Bullying

Lost loves

For me.

I always hid behind

Fake smiles

Fake tears

Fake love.

I never

Admitted

I was broken.

When in fact it was obvious.

The signs were there

If you were

Smart enough

To see.

A look of pure pain

When I let my expression

Go.

Cold eyes when

I'm not

Monitoring them.

You'd think someone

Would mention it.

The sleeplessness.

The lashing out.

The hiding.

You'd think they'd ask

If I was

Okay.

But no, they won't

Ask until

I cry out for help.

I think I'm ready

To get help now.

But....I'm scared. Is it warm

Out there, in the light?

Is there somewhere safe to go?

Is there someone

Waiting

For me?

Will there be medication

That I can take

To help me live?

Will there be a way

To tell my parents?

How do I ask for help?

A suicide attempt.

A broken heart.

How do I get help?

I really

Need help....

But......Either way.

I'm here to stay.

I'm not alive because

I'm too scared to die.

I'm not alive because

People would be sad if I died.

I'm alive because I want to be.

I want to get better.

I want to live.

I want to love.

I want to laugh.

I won't ever get my innocence back.

I won't ever get my memory back.

But I'm going to get

Back my life.

Forget the pain.

Forget the memories.

I can live again.

I can move on.

I can choose the light.

And I'm going to.

I'm tired of living this way.

I'm tired of caring.

I'm tired of being like this.

It's time I change.

Even if

I'm infertile

I'll go on.

Even if

I'm hurt again

I'll go on.

Even if

I have to lay off caffeine

I'll go on.

Even if

I need to leave people

I'll go on.

Even if

People leave me

I'll go on.

I'm ready to get

Better

Now.

There's a life outside of the madness.....

I'll find it....

I'll get better.

I'm getting better.....

There are no tears now.

No need to hurt.

No pain remains.

No feeling.

Eternity awaits.

It will all fade....

The pain will fade.....

The shame will fade....

Memories, too.

They'll go...if I let them.

It's time I let it go.