I'm sitting in a computer lab in a university library. I have literally nothing that I can do right now. I am tired, anxious, and miffed. I have NOT had a good morning, and it is only Monday. To make things worse, I have a massively busy week coming up. Dear god. I'm not ready for this.
Well, I guess I ought to find something to do. I guess that would likely be to catch y'all up on everything I have been up to this past while.
What HAVE I been up to?
First off, I've been spending a bit too much time on Omegle. It isn't exactly my best idea, I know, but I still enjoy being on Omegle. Not the video version, of course. I just go on the text version. I've met a handful of interesting people, but no one of any real import.
Second, I'm pretty sure I'm slipping. A few relapses have occurred lately. Yes, I do hate myself for it. Yes, I do know that I do not need to do the things I do. I know I don't. But....It's not like I can stop it.
I do not know what to do with my life. I am scared and I know I shouldn't be scared. I know I have people I can rely on; but I don't want to. I don't want to rely on any of them.
School's been going alright. Good enough grades. Interesting subjects. Cool people.
Take today, for example. I'm at_____ Library for the entire day so I can do research for my Internal Assessment project in IB History. Okay, well....That means it's a really big, really important essay.
I'm doing mine, naturalich, on the treatment of the LGBT throughout history. Or, at least, something to do with that.
I'm looking forward to learning a lot. I do love learning....
My life is doing well enough. Ian and I are doing quite well. I love him very much. I'm playing Borderlands II with Kayvenn. I'm having random chats with Emil. I had a rather good sleepover with my girls.
However, there is--as per usual--hardship. One of the girls I know is jealous of me for always being the center of attention, and for OWNING weird. My hair, my style, my dress, my mind--I own weird. I'm brave and I stand out. She does not. She is NORMAL. I am, by no means, normal.
So, she does her best to insult me and to put me down. I have, on several occasions, lost my temper with her. I don't effing care about what she thinks.
I am so very tired, guys. My mind....I didn't get enough sleep last night. I was trapped awake with some people I knew. I need to clean up my Skype contact list.....And now.
Hey, loves? Whatcha up to?
Have all of you been okay?
I know basically none of you will answer this, but I want y'all to know that I do think about you guys. That I wish I was around more. I know I haven't...spoken to any of you in quite some time. I apologize for that.
Most of my life....
Most of my life is never going to be normal. I will continually have things I worry about. I will continually have hardships and pain. I will never know real peace.
However, I seriously doubt I would have it any other way. I thrive in misery and drama. I feel pain better than I feel joy. Depression is more familiar to me than love.
I will be happy and content with whatever life throws. I will never be broken. I will never be owned.
I will never fade away.
I am wonderful.
Here's a quote for you lovely people. It's from the song The Grey by Icon for Hire.
You tell me:
In your deepest pain
In your weakest hour
In your darkest night
You are lovely.
You are lovely. My loves, you are lovely.
I don't care how bad it gets....
I don't care how much it hurts....
I promise you: It is going to hurt. You are going to hurt.
But it WILL be worth it.
I promise you.
It WILL fade one day.
You WILL find the meaning behind the seemingly meaningless suffering.
And, my loves? Through it all, you will be lovely.
You are lovely.
Stay strong. I'll be right there by your side.
You will find the light one day.
And....You will never be alone.
Never forget that you are loved. Never forget that there is a reason. Never forget that, no matter how bad it gets, you are lovely and you are loved.
I love you all, forever and always.