Thursday, April 18, 2013

~~How Far Away it Seems--Life Post~~

Hey y’all, my beloved and all-too-loyal readers. Time again for me to sit here on the bus, and tap out to the rhythm of the potholes my day. What happened today, my darling world? What happened today?

Today, I went out for my spare to Tim Horton’s. I went with Fatum—who I have definitely forgiven, she is a really good friend—and ended up running into Jen there. When we were there, we discussed Homestuck, the worst things we ever did, Doctor Who, Supernatural, and well various other things. I brought up—but never went into too much detail, mind ye—my cam whore past.

I talked about Adam, who I have enough info on to actually send to jail. Maybe I should, but….No, I don’t entirely feel like I should do that. It would blast open all of that part of my life, and even though I am over it now, I still don’t want people I know to know. Namely my family….So, I apologize right now to whichever girl gets into his clutches next. I could’ve saved you, you poor child, but my own selfishness makes me not be able to. Good luck, my girl, good luck. May I burn in hell for keeping my silence.

I, of course, had a point to this post. My main point is that…it seems so far away now. It feels like a distant nightmare or dream. After spending so long hating myself for doing wrong, feeling so ashamed for not being smarter about it, I’ve moved on. My god, my god, I’ve moved on! What happened, happened; and I do not live there anymore. I no longer live that way. I am no longer that person.

Emily, I’ve gotten over you. Adam the younger and Adam the elder, I’ve forgotten you. Simon, Alexander, Shade—you’re all gone now. All of you are gone now. It no longer matters…..

After so long spent clinging to the past and missing them, I’m over it. Adam is the only one from that time period I still have thoughts about. That mainly is due to the fact that I feel like I am too happy now.

I feel too happy now, so my mind is actually trying to jinx it. I am finally an equal now—not a submissive, not a slave….Not a whore. Not a slut. I wear a ring now, and even though he is so unbelievably far from me, I am with Ian.

My smile now is truly happy, not broken or sobbing. I’m happy now. I am actually happy. Even though I still feel bittersweet, even though there’s still bad days—just like there always will be—I no longer am breaking. It feels…so strange, to be able to say I’m whole. So strange, to be able to say I’m alive.

And I am truly glad to be able to say I’m alive.

I have friends now, amazing friends—Hugo, Riley, John, Sun-Jung, Fatum, Jen, Sarah, Dylan. I have Ian. Comparing my life to my life before is incredible, how far I’ve come…..All my friends now are sane, and even though a good deal have baggage, it’s baggage they can handle without cutting or drinking. Several drop everything whenever I am anything but happy, and just run to my assistance. They are such sweethearts…..

Hugo right now is my favorite. He’s one of the sweetest people I have ever known, and we both agreed that if the age difference was less, if we lived closer together, and I wasn’t taken we would actually have a relationship.

What? We click. And just because I admit we click doesn’t mean I want to…you know…do THAT with him.

I got over my past, and....I'm still amazed by it. I got through hell, through heaven...And I'm still kicking. I'm still alive, still laughing and I'm still okay.

It doesn't touch me any more.

Adam, Emily....Everyone....

You no longer matter in my life.

I've moved on past you.

I'm proud.

I'm so fucking proud....

I love you.

So much....

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