Monday, January 28, 2013

~~Life's Been Good (Right?): Life Post~~

Hey, it's me again. Just letting y'all know that I am alive and doing pretty well. Rob, don't worry about me and please don't try to track me down. Who I was before....I want to forget, okay? I'll be fine, don't worry. I'm tougher than I look. ((Yes, I did get your e-mail. I just...Didn't want to reply. I'm sorry.))

Tomorrow is my last exam, and life...Life's worth it.

Life really is worth it.

Because of everything I lived through, I know I'll never have a normal life.

Ian...I know you said I shouldn't apologize to you. I know you said there was no need for me to apologize. But you know me. I`m always going to apologize because I never will feel good enough. I`ll always see everything you do as a token kindness, because that`s who I am. I`ll never feel good enough.

Now, please. Understand me. I don`t want you to feel like you need to fix that part of me because....I don`t feel like it`s broken.  I`m me. I`m amazing, I`m depressed, I`m lonely, I`m hurt, and I`m ME. Please, never forget that. Even with all the damaged parts of me, I still love who I am and I don't want to change.

I'm going to be fine....

And that's the bad part. All this time, it's never been a question of whether or not I'll make it out because I always WILL be okay. I'll never be anything but. If I was to lose everything....If the Mansion was to fade....If Raphael was to go....If you were to die....If my friends and family were to abandon me....I somehow know I'll keep going.

What does that say about me, I wonder? I'm so cold...Sweetheart I'm so cold.

I don't know how to feel anymore. I really don't.

Hun, when I think about you...My heart aches.

Ted, when I think about you....My heart aches.

But do you wanna know the best part of all this?

When I think about Adam, my heart doesn't react.

He's gone.

He's gone, and by the gods, good riddance!

My life is going to get better.

And I really hope that, one day, I can feel better.

I can laugh, I can smile, and by the gods I might just be able to love....

If I could only learn to figure out what it feels like!

Ted....I don't know if you'll read this, but I love you. I flippin' adore you. As much as cold and broken me can, I love you. You are my Glowstone, and may you always shine bright. We've been together almost a year, and god....Thank you. For sticking around so long. I know I'm not the best, I know I make mistakes, but thank you. Please don't ever feel like you're not good enough! Please don't....Because I feel like I'm not good enough for you. I've been beaten down. I've been hurt. I've been used in every meaning of the word. And, by the gods, I've hurt people a lot. Through lies, through leading them on...So much guilt and so many mistakes! And yet....You're still here. You still love me. You still love me, and I feel it. I feel how much you love me.

And...And it scares me. It makes the diseased part of me want to run away. I can't/won't/refuse to accept it. I don't want to accept it! How could someone love ME? So broken...So hurt....

But then the diseased part of me gets shouted down--and usually by Raphael in a weird mix of Italian and Angelican. He tells it: "You're amazing. I know you're hurt. I know you're broken. But you are not over. You can still keep going. God, little one, you are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for....And you're amazing. You're a writer. You do deserve this."

And...Then there's this.

I've forgotten how to love.

Yes, unfortunately. I remember it....I think I remember it...Before Dylan left me for Marianne and Alexander broke me in so many ways. Adam was..the last person I really loved. I don't even know if I love Ted right now...I just think I do.

Ian......Always knew I didn't love him back the way he loved me. He always knew that I'm too scared, too hurt, too broken to come out of my shell enough to really let anyone in. I know I seem open, but....The diseased part of me is buried so deep that not even I can get to it. I know I seem loving and caring but it's a force of habit now. I do what people expect, and people expect me to be kind.

Ian's a weird guy. He's....Giving me absolutely everything he is, knowing he isn't going to be...the best. He feels like I might find someone else, and be happier with them. I think he's even waiting for that day. He doesn't feel like he's good enough for me. No one has. And that's the really bad part....

I feel so down on myself so much. I beat myself up for every mistake. I hate my body. I hate my voice. I'm so imperfect. And...And I've hurt so many people. How can they love me?

Now...Whenever someone tells me they're not good enough for me, it just feels wrong. I'm not perfect! I'm not good! Please....I don't care what you say, just stop saying that and...and don't leave me alone

Don't make me worry I'll need to leave you one day like I've left everyone else. Don't tell me I'll need to move on past you and find someone else. Don't tell me that! Don't tell me I need to do to someone else what I did to Adam....What I'm doing to Ted.....

Please, someone just....Stop being an idiot! Love me, yes, but.....Love me in a way that doesn't scare the living shit outta me. Don't make it all encompassing. I'm not ready for that! Just...Please. Please just love me.....

I'm...I'm scared. I'm scared I'll hurt someone. I could break Ian with a word. I could break Ted.

I don't want to do this any more!!!!!!

Is it so wrong to just....Want a good relationship?

I'm serious.

I want....Life to be normal.

For a while.

If it ever will be normal....

On a side note, I now have downloaded the e-book versions of Handbook of a Teenage Antichrist and Penpal. I'm never going to sleep again.

I'm just waiting for the story of a woman holding an orange to become an eBook....

Because I'm gonna buy it.

I'm gonna read it.

I'm gonna HATE it.

I'm gonna LOVE it.

And I'm never going to sleep again.


Life's been odd.

As per usual.

Love ya!

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I love you, random stranger. Thanks for dropping by, and for dropping a line. --Half Mad Writer