Saturday, February 2, 2013

~~A Candle: Life and Future Post~~

Hey....It's me. Lying in bed, torn between sleep and consciousness, listening to music and daydreaming about life. My stomach is sore and I feel the faintest urge to puke. I've felt that all day. I find myself starting to cry at weird moments, without any real causes. And I also find myself needing to turn on all lights more often now....

I've become scared. Scared of things in the dark. I especially distrust the basement. I feel followed and I feel watched.

Probably because I AM being followed and watched....

Many of those gifted with supernatural abilities are keeping a close eye on me. Ted, Ian, Patience...And a handful of others, including the Figment Council. I'm being watched semi-constantly and I'm sick of it.

I know a great deal of them only want me to be kept safe but I'm NOT A CHILD.

I'm not...a child.

My loves, I'm getting very exhausted. My mind is moving slow, and so this post will take me time to write. I'm not even sure what I intend to write....Namely it's just going to be some of my own thoughts as ramblings, as per usual. I am still somehow amazed I'm getting so many views. I don't really post that much. Not these days. Did I ever, really?

And it's also like this blog is all that fascinating. It's always just been me and my thrice-accursed honesty. Or, at least, the bitter impersonation of honesty....

You do realize I have lied here, as well as left parts out, right? I'm not discussing everything. I'm not sharing every part of me. I'm not going to.

Not only would that be wrong as well as dangerous, but I've promised to keep...some areas of my life quiet and undiscussed. Not for general knowledge. Not here. And not ever.

Some parts are also quite boring. Such as school and stuff. Ah, speaking of school, three of my four exams are done. And second semester begins on Tuesday. Why doesn't it begin on Monday? BECAUSE MATH WAS DELAYED TIL MONDAY O.O I couldn't even make plans with my friends. Because no one knew when the exam would be. There was freezing rain and so everything was delayed and delayed and now it's going to be Monday. It's going to be Monday. Yeah.....Great. I need to study again.

It's 10:46 pm and I'm thinking.

I'm thinking about sleeping. About dreaming. About living. About dying. About everything and nothing at all. I don't want to do this...I don't want to think.

But yet here I am, blogging, the most thought-filled past time I have. Other than conversations with Robert or Ian....Yeah, those two men folk tend to get really deep. And they both care about me incredibly deeply....Ian more than Robert, definitely.

I miss Robert. I don't really get to talk to him much. His phone is officially deceased....And that means talking to him becomes difficult. Well. He's happy and that's about all I need to know. He's with Stepha semi-constantly, and I'm really hoping they're working out. I'm still so shaky on the whole supernatural thing....My life is a constant question of who and what to believe.

And well....

Do you know what I say? I say fuck it.

I don't want to deal with the question of what to believe, so I'm not going to. I'm going to accept it as real and leave it at that. I have faith in the people I care about not to lie to me, so I'm going to accept it. I know Robert wouldn't lie. I know Patience wouldn't lie. And I know Ian....Oh dear god Ian.....I know he wouldn't lie to me unless he deemed it ABSOLUTELY necessary. And all of them can verify everything as being real....


My life is a mix of supernatural drama and emotional drama.

My life has become Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Do I mind?

More, and less, than you think.

I like it because my life is never boring and by the gods a good deal of it is awesome. I can't say a lot of it, but there's so much that is new and bright and possible....I feel amazing. The Mansion thrives even as it grows, the depths and heights to which it reaches becoming nigh on incredible. The name of the Mansion--as well as its members--is well known among a great many Households and Figments alike. Most of the tribes of demons that had previously attacked us are our allies now....

And I dislike it because I'm stressed. A lot. And busy. A lot. I hate not having time to myself. I would LOVE the ability to close it all out but I can't. I just can't...Have much me time any more. Well, the End War is no longer happening, so I do believe we might be safe from apocalypses for a while. Congratulations the earth isn't doomed! YAY!

I'm happy about that. It's going to be fun. You know, not dying and everything. Not being stressed. Have I mentioned I'm stressed? I know I claim to be living a Derp life, and by my definition that means living without really caring about the future and coasting. I coast a lot. I don't think. I avoid the difficult things. I get by that way. But, yes, I am stressed. And I'm mainly stressed about Ted.

I love him.

I do.

But he isn' me entirely what I need.

I could wait and hope he'll be better, but....I'm not sure I want to wait.

I am not going to deny he is an amazing man. He is sweet, he is kind, and he will do whatever he can to make me happy. He puts my happiness and safety far above his, and that is a rare trait. He may not be perfect, but he is good.

He just isn't the best at communication.

Granted....Not everyone can be, let's say, Ian who has on more than one occasion completely screwed my mind over. He's awesome. He is perfect. And....And I'm saying no more on the matter.

He is also sitting and waiting minorly impatiently for this blogpost. I'm not even sure where I'm going with it any more...

I had a plan.

What was my plan?

Oh yeah! The hint is in the blog post title.

Today, I was at Chapters, and I bought two books and a fuzzy thingy. The fuzzy thingy's name is Buzzy. I might post a pic of Buzzy later because Buzzy is a cute fuzzy.

But the post is not about the fuzzy Buzzy. And fuzzy Buzzy is not a bee.

The blog post is about the two books I bought today.

One is called F**k It: The Ultimate Spiritual Way and it's by John C. Parkin. It is pretty damned funny, and I was looking for a book on psychology and it was either this or Borderline Personality Disorder for Dummies, soooo.....I think I made the right choice.

And I also bought the book Looking for Alaska by John Green. If you haven't read it yet...Buy it. Please do so. I told my dad that this was a book that would completely reshuffle your brain and give you a new perspective. It's deep and thoughtfilled. I read it once, years ago, and I remember sobbing. I remember my entire mind just...being filled with this book and all the thoughts it conjured. So many thoughts....

I haven't really read either yet....

But...I'm thinking about the possible effects these two books will have on me.

You know how shaky I am, readers.

But you also know I'm a flippin' genius. I'm going to pull through no matter what life throws at me....

Still, the combination of these two is going to likely reset my personality at least a bit. Hopefully in a good way. Looking for Alaska will, if I remember correctly, have me running around looking for a way out of the labyrinth, a reason, a cause...Why we were there in the first place. And Fuck It? I don't rightly know. It could very well undo the effects of Looking for Alaska. Either way, it's going to be interesting.

Surprisingly, Fuck It is not as depressing as it sounds. From the few pages I've read, it's more about taking control of your life and living in the now than anything else. Honestly, saying fuck it isn't such a bad idea. It would take away a lot of stress, and as long as I'm smart about it...It would be worth it.

I'll give it a shot.

I know that our lives are not to be wasted. Even with my knowledge of the afterlife gleaned through others, there's no real guarantee of anything after this. Everything is uncertain. Nothing is true unless you truly believe it to be.

I'm going to get control of my life.

I must.

I can't...go on living like nothing touches me, because it truly does touch me. I need to accept that everything is real and live like an adult for once. Not as a selfish child.

Wish me luck, my dearest loves...

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