“Just because a girl knows how to imitate a woman, does NOT mean she's ready to do what a woman does…..I mean, you're the grown up here. If a kid is experimenting and says something flirtatious, you ignore it, you don't encourage it! If a kid says 'Hey, let's make screwdrivers!' You take the alcohol away, and you don't race them to the next drink!” Haley Stark, Hard Candy.
That, my loves, is the general tone for this little post of mine. You guys should know rather well by now that I have experience. Experience I am NOT ready to have. The cam slut past. All of it. I’m not ready for any of it. Just because I act older, look older, talk older, think older, and feel older than I am does NOT mean I am not an almost-sixteen-year-old girl! Get that through your heads, the many fools who believe I’m ready for it. Just because I’m experienced doesn’t mean I’m not naïve. Just because I flirt doesn’t mean I mean to. Just because I want to doesn’t mean I should.
Back off. Lovely blog, you guys know I’m shit at hurting people for my own benefit. Even if it’s something as truly simple as saying NO, don’t do that to me. No, don’t touch me. No, don’t go that far. I can’t do that because I’m a fool. I’m a fool with self-esteem issues, trust issues, and such low self-worth I can be valued at absolutely nothing. I cannot say no. I’m sick and tired of doing this to myself. I wish I could just get out of here. Stop living like this. I’m not ready for this.
I’m. Not. Ready.
Do you hear me? I’m not ready. I’m a kid. I don’t care how you see me but I am a kid. So lay off. I don’t want to do what you want me to do, and so you should just back off.
And guess what, all you creeps? I don’t give a shit about you. I love Ian and he matters to me. You do not.
Remember, loves, the life I lead is a hard one. And the desire for revenge and the need to hate is there, too. I don’t know if I will ever forgive for the things I allowed people to do. The loss of dignity. So much lost self-worth. All of the things I went through. Dear god, all the things I’m still going through….
I’m not healthy. I’m amazed I’m alive. I’m amazed I’m alive….
Ian, if I could do one thing, it would be to make us perfect. It would be to bring you here so I can see you and hold you and touch you and know it’s not a lie. It would be to take away every shard of the wall that keeps me from you and make me love you. It would be to move on from every last bit of my past. It would be to embrace you, and by doing so, embracing love. Embracing love. Embracing life. If only I could. If only I was brave enough.
The things done to me caused this. Caused all the numbness and all the pain. It’s the reason I am this way. Society made me into this. Thank you for shattering me, beloved and hated world.
I want my innocence back. With it I want my joy. I want the parts of me you STOLE. I want the parts of me I GAVE. I want the parts of me you BARTERED FOR. I want the parts of me YOU DESTROYED!
Give it. Back. To me.
Give it back to me before I kick you out of my life for good. Because…..Unless I get to believing I’m whole again, I don’t think I can be enough for Ian. I won’t be good enough for Ian. I won’t feel good enough.
Please, help me.
Help me by leaving me the fuck alone. I’m not ready for what you want. I’m not ready. I’m not ready.
I’m not ready.