What is my idea of beauty, of reality, of light? What is good in my eyes? What do I see as noble, self-sacrificing, proud, strong?
What is my idea of horror, of delusion, of darkness? What is evil in my eyes? What do I see as tarnished, selfish, self-hating, weak?
So many questions, and the answers—like all important ones—can only be found within my very own shattered self. Everything in this world is based upon entirely nothing but perception. Perception, and judgment. The will that defines right from wrong. Measuring every action, every reaction, everything we see. Measure is unceasing, and it goes on long after we have become aware of it.
However, there is so much we DON’T see—the pregnant girl we call a slut, even though she was raped; the broken man weeping, who we insult even though he watched his son suicide; these tiny signs of weakness we exploit and exploit because it’s our only true strength. If everything is based upon perception, who then is right? Our choices reflect our past, and our past reflects our souls. But the world is not a mirror that everyone can see into—everyone only sees themselves reflected in it. Their choices changing it, not the choices of the man throwing himself off a bridge. Our lives may be changed, altered, by these choices but they do not change everything. And the echoes of action and reaction always stop after a certain point, every word ever spoken losing meaning as those who heard it move on with their lives.
You know some of what my eyes keep safe—the agonies, the bitter truths, the realities. But do you know of the laughter, the joy? The friends I make, the loves I treasure, the days and nights spent wandering in happiness brought on by companionship? Are you aware of the many nights I curl up in bed, freezing? Are you aware of the schedule I live by, the adoration I have of routine? I lose myself in routine actions—waking up, texting, sleeping, eating, learning, school, homework, and going to and from places? I might operate solely on the changing whims of my racing heart, but my whims these days seem to be to cling to routine. For within routine I can fall and keep up an easy Semblance, pretend Balance when there is none. And what of balance? How do I keep my life maintained, when there are those who seek to drag me to them and be only theirs?
I keep my life maintained by one simple thing: I never let it touch me. I know there are things I must do, and I handle them. I move on willingly with the things in my life that I consider inconsequential, but with the things I consider important give no time for. My life is odd. Is that because I make it odd, or because I simply live it this way?
I deal however I must, and who knows how wrong or right that is? I cope and I move on. I make no bones about being hurt, or saying I make no mistakes. I admit my agonies where they are. I move on as much as I can, even though I am weak at times. I make friends. I smile, I laugh. I get better. Is that so wrong? I know I relapse. I know I still make mistakes. But I'm trying. I'm going to be okay. Right?
I began this post asking you, and myself, what my idea of good and evil is.
I'm going to end it with an answer.
Good and evil are two sides of the same coin. What is good to one; is evil to another.
It's all a matter of perspective. Everything is relative. Nothing is true, loves. It all can be changed. It is never definite. It is never definite....
We live in a world we believe we know, but truly we don't....
Look deeper, dearhearts.