Monday, June 17, 2013

~~I Promised a Miracle: Delivery Post~~

Ah, my darlings! How fares all of you? I wonder if you are well...I hope you are well. It seems I finally have some commenters...

Yes, yes I AM controlling myself.


So long silent!

So long spent wondering if there was indeed an audience out there for my strange, imperfect self. But apparently there is, and so it's time I finally make good on my promise: The miracle.

I finally smartened up, darlings.

I finally got my head on right.

Everything that happened to me ((Joseph being a scumbag, my first girlfriend Emily attempting suicide multiple times and driving me mad, the camming, the loss of innocence, Alexander, Simon...All of those things)) were not my fault.

It was not my fault.

I have NOTHING to be ashamed of.

I am beautiful.

I am wonderful.

And I am good.

I will never forget that again....I never will, my loves, I never will.

I suffered, burned, and wanted to die. I hated everything I was. Hated me.

I hated men, too. Those men who took my innocence in stride, bound me....Used me for their own will. Those men who ended me. Those men who killed me.

After Emily, I hated girls for a while, too. She used me, lied to me, left me, and broke me. And then had the nerve to say I was the one in the wrong.

Everything....I hated everything.

But right now....I'm happy, guys.

I'm happy.

I'm PROUD of who I am.

I am proud.

I made it so far....

Suffered so much...

And I am PROUD to be who I am. I am so proud of me....

I messed up. Fucked up. Hurt. Suffered. Lied. Cheated.

But I'm still right here. I did everything I could, every goddamn step of the way, to be as good as I could be. I never gave up. I never quit. I never said goodbye. I never said sorry. I never gave up entirely.

I'm still right here.

Why am I right here?

Because I deserve to be.

I am deserving of life.

I am deserving of love.

I am deserving of hope.

I am deserving of peace.

I am deserving of Ian.

THAT is the miracle.

I'm out of the darkness now.

Even though there is some thought going on among myself and my friends that I am schizophrenic and bipolar, I'm out of the darkness.

Besides, I will never be medicated.

Not ever.

Oh, by the way? A new page will pop up, entitled ~~The Summary of Me~~. For all those of you who haven't kept up from the beginning, need a refresher on what the heck I'm talking about, or just want an easy way to read the blog WITHOUT reading the blog, that's the place to be. I love you.

Thank you for helping me. In your silence, in your compliments, in your numbers, and in your hearts.

I owe you my life.

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I love you, random stranger. Thanks for dropping by, and for dropping a line. --Half Mad Writer