Tuesday, January 14, 2014

~~Maybe a Farewell?--Life Post~~

Do you have any regrets? I really don't think I do. I mean, I made my choice a while ago. I knew what I was getting into at every step of this journey, and I've never once considered going back. Right now, as it seems to be time to face up to my actions, I don't regret my choices.

If someone stops and studies my life, maybe they'll believe that it was all a mistake. That I didn't mean for this to happen. Well, I guess I didn't.

A part of me never believed it would get this far—I ignored the warnings that should have been made clear. I ignored the things I should have seen.

But does that mean that this was an intentional act? Was I always consciously seeking the chance to throw myself on the cross for the final time? A single act of nobility….A blaze of glory….The ability to go down in flames.

Was that what I was always seeking?

I guess I was. I guess I never changed, or stopped myself.

My mind and heart led me here, and I—with all my intelligence and skill—crossed the point of no return with a bitter song. Voice raised and flag tattered, I charged the only enemy I ever had: Myself.

I can't help but laugh now. I can't help but think to myself: "I could have done much better."

And I could have. I could have done so much more.

But, no, I stand by the choices I made. I will never say anything different.

I'm here now, and I'm not leaving here.

Once you've crossed the point beyond all reason, you can't just turn and say you don't want to be here. Nobody ends up here by chance. Nobody doesn't realize just what awaits them with every step—everyone knows what's here is of the stuff that kills. Nobody just expects it to be alright.

But, then again, my life's never been boring. I can stand up and say, at the end and at the beginning of my days, I am proud of what I have done. I have won wars. Saved lives. Made people smile. I've brought joy to this world. My legacy will not be a thing that fades.

In one universe, or in the next, I have made a mark.

I have mattered to someone. To everyone. Someone has loved me beyond all others. Someone has kept me safe. Someone has fought and died for me.

I am an angel with a slightly bent halo.

Half-mad, all mad, never bad, never good—what's real and what's not? When the story comes out—as all stories do—what will the consensus be? Was I a good person?

Or was I just a noble fool?

Who will remember me? Who will plunge into the darkness in search of me?

I'm not afraid to die.

I'm more afraid to live.

This world frightens me and fills me with a horror I just can't understand. It's unbelievable! The things I've said and done. Monumental. Demons, angels, contract killers, undercover cops, pedophiles and saints. Children of devils and children of gods. Possession and victory. Submission and fear. What a life I've led! I've wandered the world, but I can't find a single reason not to fear what's coming.

Do not pity me, if my end comes.

Pity yourselves—the ones I leave behind.

This world burns, whether you see it or not. This world burns and there is little that can be done to change that fact.

Good luck to you all.

I seem to be so set on my death. And I can't even explain to any of you what brought me to this place. The amount of secrets I keep outweigh the amount of ones I've told upon this little corner of the web I call my own.

I guess I should end this where I began.

Do I regret it?


I never regretted falling in love. I never regretted getting my heart broken. I never regretted trying to find affection—even if it was in the wrong places. I've made mistakes, yes, but they were things I learned from. I thank everyone that has hurt me for the lessons they taught me.

No regrets, my dears, no regrets.

Ah….Please, despite what I have said above, I'm quite certain I'll be alright. I am stressed, for certain, but I am handling all of it. Do not worry about me. I'll work my way through this.


I don't believe, I think I'm falling asleep
Is this beginning or ending? Am I stuck in a dream?
I don't wanna know what I think, I suppose
Out of the light into this timely demise
And there's a cross on the hill, the holy image of lies
I've opened my mind, but this dream is still real

You don't need to worry, I'm just fine
I've just lost my mind

Tell me it's over 'cause I don't feel a thing at all
No conscience, not no more, senses all have disappeared
Am I alright alive tonight? Paranoid, am I dead right?
Am I alright alive tonight? Crash and fall into this light with me

Look in my eyes, tell me I'm alright
I don't know if I'm still alive
If this is goodbye, forever's just a lie,
But big enough to make you wanna try

In just one life how can we
Live enough to rest in peace
In just one life (just one life)
How can we live enough to rest in peace now

Oh oh oh oh

Here as I stand, hand in hand, and one hand on my heart
As I depart, it's not so hard, what a day to become a man
You have your scars but I never thought that you would give me mine

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I love you, random stranger. Thanks for dropping by, and for dropping a line. --Half Mad Writer