~~Hand Issues: Life Post~~

I, my dearest ones, have become worried about my right hand. After a long, long life online I may have developed some sincere bodily issues. Anyone surprised? Certainly not me.

Well, yesterday I was priming a board to do a painting and my hand was causing me sincere pain. I am quite terrified of this fact, but…

I don't think I'll do a single thing to fix it. I'm not the kind of person to do that….

I definitely won't give up all the things I want to do.

But I will definitely be worried. Right now, it feels a bit stiff and somehow shaky. Not a good sign at all….

National Novel Writing Month is coming. I really can't risk my hand, so I don't know what I'm going to do. My thumbs are going, too, from all the texting I do.

Do I do NaNoWriMo?

Or do I try and save my hand?

Oh, god, I have to chase that wordcount down....

I have no other choice.

~~Less Title, More Poem~~

Creativity is being drained

Mentality is being drained

I think I'm slipping past

The edge where I used to be

My mind is being drained

My heart is being drained

I think I'm drifting off

Into a dreamless sleep

I think I'm sliding

I think I'm drowning

I think I'm going away

I think I'm sliding now

Will you save my life?

Will you save my heart?

Will you keep me safe?

Will you keep me alive?

I don't know what to call myself

I don't know what to call this poem

I don't know what to do

I don't know what to feel

Less title, more poem

Less heart, more belief

Find something to believe

Find something to know.

~~Smile~~

Bring me your energies

Bring me your pain

Bring me your glory

And bring me your demise.

Bring me your tenderness

Bring me your love

Bring me your agony

And bring me the knife.

I will smile if you laugh at me

I will smile if you run from me

I will smile if you turn from me

And I will smile if you cry

Bring me your lies

Bring me your truths

Bring me your dreams

And bring me to die

I will smile if you take my hand

I will smile if you kiss me

I will smile if you pull me close

And I will smile if you believe my lie

I will smile if you bleed out

I will smile if you pass on

I will smile if you love me

And I will smile if you hate me.

~~Poor Little Girl of Just Sixteen~~

Little girl of just sixteen

Just sixteen

Just sixteen

What has happened to your dream?

What did the men do

To your dream

When they tore you at your seams?

What did I do

To your dream

When you called out

"It's not what it seems"?

Little girl of just sixteen

Just sixteen

Just sixteen

What has happened

Since you were just fourteen

Just fourteen?

What did puberty do

To your dream?

To your dream?

Little girl of just sixteen

What did I do to your dream?

What did the men do to your dream?

Little girl of just sixteen

Sad little girl of just sixteen

Broken girl of just sixteen

What did you do to your dream?

When you grew up, what happened

To your dream?

Poor little girl of just sixteen.

Why are you turning from your dream?

Why is it not your dream?

Can't you stitch closed the seams?

Little girl of just sixteen

Won't you fight for your dream?

Your dream was good, little girl

Little girl of just sixteen

It was worth chasing, little girl

Little girl

Little girl

It was worth fighting for, little girl

Of just sixteen

Poor little girl of just sixteen

Just sixteen

Just sixteen….

Ever since you were fourteen

You haven't been a little girl

With a chance to chase her dream.

~~Guilt~~

I'll bow to you again.

I'll reach out my hand

And beg

To be washed clean.

I'll bow to you again.

Speak your name, and speak

A promise I can't mean.

Make a deal I can't fulfil.

Out of guilt

I'll fall for you.

Out of guilt

I'll take your life.

Out of guilt I'll turn away

As you scream my name

On your darkest night.

Out of guilt I'll run to you

On your brightest day

And drag you down with me.

Out of guilt I'll ruin you;

All the while

Promising I love you.

Give your soul to me.

Out of guilt I'll keep you safe,

Locked up right here

With me.

Out of guilt I'll trade

Your life for mine.

Wash my body clean

With your blood.

Out of guilt I'll erase you

From the books of history.

Out of guilt I'll burn you

Upon a pyre,

And sing your praises

To the sky.

I'll sing your praises

To the remorseless

Guiltless

Sky.

~~Okay, That's Fine~~

Figure out a way to cope

Look at yourself.

Figure out a way to breathe

Look at the world.

A part of you can hurt,

Another part of you can fail.

But just believe in yourself

And find another way to breathe.

Breathe with me

Today

Drink with me

Tonight.

Trust me, it's fine.

Just trust me, it's okay.

I'm not half dead just yet,

But I'll get close one day.

You want to end yourself?

Okay, that's fine.

You want to end the world?

Okay, that's fine.

Just tell me when you're going.

Just tell me when the sun

Burns. Just tell me when

And it will be okay.

All of us can hurt.

All of us can fail.

But can all of us

Find another way to cope?

Or will we drown

In the middle of nowhere?

Or will we drown

On our doorstep?

Will we lose it all

In the night

Or in

The day?

The sun can grow

And the sun can shine.

The moon can change

And the tides can swirl.

The winds can cry

And the bats can scream,

As long as you know

You're okay.

You want to get away

From it all?

Then find a way

To cope.

I understand

If you want to die;

But please

Find a way to cope.

Don't turn away from me

Without warning.

Don't burn the world

Without trying to save it.

Don't end it all

Without letting

It begin. Please...

Find a way to cope with me.

~~For Better~~

I'm not willing

To surrender anymore.

I'm not willing

To give anything away.

I'm not willing

To make my life

Change for the worse--

It's time I got the better.

I don't care

If I can't have one

Without the other;

I don't care

If I should be strong enough

To take this.

I want the better now.

I want the better now....

But the rational part of me,

The loving part of me,

The noble part of me,

Tells me I need to stay.

I need to stay and trust

It will....It will get better.

I know it could take years,

But I've gotta believe.

It might take long

But I'm willing to wait.

I hope I am, at least....

I want the better,

But can I take the worse, too?

Can I take the worse,

Or will I run

To the easy?

I don't want to run to the easy.

I want the better,

But I want the better

With the one I know I love.

I don't want to take the chances

On another

When everything I am....

When everything I am

Just wants

To keep

Trying for the better

While fighting through the worse.

~~Cling~~

Cling to stability

Cling to normalcy

I know you're slipping, but cling

Cling to the wall

Cling to the edge

Don't go. Oh god, I know

You're slipping more and more....

You're slipping out the broken door

I know you're slipping, but please

Slip your way right back here

Slip your way right back to my side

I know. I know.....

I know

I know.

~~When in Doubt: Advice and Ramble Post~~

When in doubt, make people laugh.

No matter how bad it gets, make people laugh. If you don't know an answer on a quiz, even though you've studied for it, come up with the funniest answer possible. Chances are, you'll still get it wrong, but then you'll come off as funny instead of lacking in intelligence. You might not get out of trouble, but make 'em laugh.

If you're shy, make someone laugh. Any way you can. Handle it with laughter. If you've got an accent, you're clumsy, or anything like that--just make them laugh.

You'll do fine, loves. Just make them laugh.

It took me a long time to figure that out. Many, many years of sadness and being bullied.

Don't take as long to realize it as I did, my loves.

~~You Know What Happened, Right?~~

You know what happened, right?

You know I got the guy?

You know I finally won.

You know I ended up finding someone

Truly, truly amazing.

You know I said something

To someone bad

That might get me in trouble.

You know I love Ian,

Despite all the distance.

You know I've changed my life;

Blocked all those who might hurt me.

You know I regret

Some of the people I left.

You know I still love

This darling little blog.

You know I fell in love

With those I should not.

You know I broke the hearts

Of those who said

They loved me.

You know I came close

To losing a very good friend

To death.

You know Emil survived

Despite all odds.

You know that I met a guy

At the Dare to Stand Out conference

And spoke with him for hours on end.

You know I came very close to kissing him.

You know my life is strange.

You know I'm stressed.

You know I'm scared.

You know I'm okay.

I'm okay.

I swear—I'm okay!

Trust me.

~~Let's Stay Locked in Black~~

Whether it's in mourning,

Or, in anger;

Let's stay locked in black.

Let's stay locked in darkness.

Let's stay locked in peace.

Colors only distract

From the smiles we all share.

Colors only show

The dripping tears.

Colors only make us believe

We're better off

Than we are.

Colors only make us thing

We're better off

Than the worst off.

Let's stay locked in black,

My slippery little friend.

Let's stay locked in our own pain,

And make the night rain

Black.

~~Truth~~

The fact is:

You can't believe a word.

The fact is:

There is nothing that is true.

I know it hurts

But it's all lies

I know it hurts

But nothing here is real

Sometimes it seems

Like it's too fantastic

Sometimes it seems

Like it's too good to be true

And maybe it is

True

And maybe it is

Fake

I won't presume

To know the truth

I won't presume

To tell the truth

I say what I believe

I believe what I say

I say what I believe

You need to hear

DISCLAIMER: I'm caught in a huge web of lies. I'm stressed and I don't know what to believe any more. I'm trying to unravel it. I should be okay....I should be okay.

~~Never Said Hello (or Goodbye)~~

You left me here alone

(But you never were by my side)

You were my friend

(But your touch was never known)

You passed away

(I never had you)

I can't forget you

(But there's so much I never knew)

~~It IS Worth It~~

Sometimes

It can seem

Meaningless.

Sometimes

It can feel

Cruel.

Sometimes

It can be

Hopeless....

But I promise

It won't last

Forever.

Sometimes

You can drown

In grief.

Sometimes

You can lose

Control.

Sometimes

You can fade

Away.

But I promise

There is a reason

Behind every pain.

Sometimes

You can scream

Questions.

Sometimes

You can break

Down.

Sometimes

You  can end

It all.

But I promise

There will be

A fresh start.

Sometimes

You can give up

And fall.

But I promise

You can get up

Once more.

I know it hurts.

I know it hurts.

I promise

It's going

To hurt.....

But I promise you

It will

Be worth it in the end.

~~Monday is NOT My Day: Life Post~~

I'm sitting in a computer lab in a university library. I have literally nothing that I can do right now. I am tired, anxious, and miffed. I have NOT had a good morning, and it is only Monday. To make things worse, I have a massively busy week coming up. Dear god. I'm not ready for this.

Well, I guess I ought to find something to do. I guess that would likely be to catch y'all up on everything I have been up to this past while.

What HAVE I been up to?

First off, I've been spending a bit too much time on Omegle. It isn't exactly my best idea, I know, but I still enjoy being on Omegle. Not the video version, of course. I just go on the text version. I've met a handful of interesting people, but no one of any real import.

Second, I'm pretty sure I'm slipping. A few relapses have occurred lately. Yes, I do hate myself for it. Yes, I do know that I do not need to do the things I do. I know I don't. But....It's not like I can stop it.

I do not know what to do with my life. I am scared and I know I shouldn't be scared. I know I have people I can rely on; but I don't want to. I don't want to rely on any of them.

School's been going alright. Good enough grades. Interesting subjects. Cool people.

Take today, for example. I'm at_____ Library for the entire day so I can do research for my Internal Assessment project in IB History. Okay, well....That means it's a really big, really important essay.

I'm doing mine, naturalich, on the treatment of the LGBT throughout history. Or, at least, something to do with that.

I'm looking forward to learning a lot. I do love learning....

My life is doing well enough. Ian and I are doing quite well. I love him very much. I'm playing Borderlands II with Kayvenn. I'm having random chats with Emil. I had a rather good sleepover with my girls.

However, there is--as per usual--hardship. One of the girls I know is jealous of me for always being the center of attention, and for OWNING weird. My hair, my style, my dress, my mind--I own weird. I'm brave and I stand out. She does not. She is NORMAL. I am, by no means, normal.

So, she does her best to insult me and to put me down. I have, on several occasions, lost my temper with her. I don't effing care about what she thinks.

I am so very tired, guys. My mind....I didn't get enough sleep last night. I was trapped awake with some people I knew. I need to clean up my Skype contact list.....And now.

Hey, loves? Whatcha up to?

Have all of you been okay?

I know basically none of you will answer this, but I want y'all to know that I do think about you guys. That I wish I was around more. I know I haven't...spoken to any of you in quite some time. I apologize for that.

Most of my life....

Most of my life is never going to be normal. I will continually have things I worry about. I will continually have hardships and pain. I will never know real peace.

However, I seriously doubt I would have it any other way. I thrive in misery and drama. I feel pain better than I feel joy. Depression is more familiar to me than love.

I will be happy and content with whatever life throws. I will never be broken. I will never be owned.

I will never fade away.

I am wonderful.

Here's a quote for you lovely people. It's from the song The Grey by Icon for Hire.

You tell me:

In your deepest pain

In your weakest hour

In your darkest night

You are lovely.

You are lovely. My loves, you are lovely.

I don't care how bad it gets....

I don't care how much it hurts....

I promise you: It is going to hurt. You are going to hurt.

But it WILL be worth it.

I promise you.

It WILL fade one day.

You WILL find the meaning behind the seemingly meaningless suffering.

And, my loves? Through it all, you will be lovely.

You are lovely.

Stay strong. I'll be right there by your side.

You will find the light one day.

And....You will never be alone.

Never forget that you are loved. Never forget that there is a reason. Never forget that, no matter how bad it gets, you are lovely and you are loved.

I love you all, forever and always.