~~Why I Blog In the First Place~~

So many times I've questioned

Why I do things like this.

So many times I've pondered

My honesty and pain.

Why do I speak to you?

Why do I share my words?

Why do I act this way?

Well, the answer's simple.

It's how I deal.

It's how I cope with my life.

Without words, I would die.

I'd be forced to face reality.

I'd be forced to actually feel.

I didn't realize that

Until tonight, and now I'm

Questioning my methods.

I also question my method

Of writing in this way.

Strange breaks of

Speech.

Losses of rhythm

And no rhyme

That somehow

Make sense

In my mind.

What's going on with me?

You think I would know.

You also think I would

Care

That I had lost my readers.

Broken my promise

To post.

But I really don't.

Not any more.

I don't care about

Fame

Or being known.

I just want to recover.

I will recover.

I've been making myself

Sick

All along.

I should've known all along.

I should've done better.

But I didn't.

And now I must accept

The lost years of life.

I must move on.

Because there's nothing left that can hurt me.....

Nothing left but me.

~~I'm Ready to Get Better....~~

I've always thought it was hopeless

There would be no recovery for me.....

I always thought

I was done

Before I ever began.

I always hated

Myself

Others

Men

My family

My friends.

I always blamed

Others

My family

School

Bullying

Lost loves

For me.

I always hid behind

Fake smiles

Fake tears

Fake love.

I never

Admitted

I was broken.

When in fact it was obvious.

The signs were there

If you were

Smart enough

To see.

A look of pure pain

When I let my expression

Go.

Cold eyes when

I'm not

Monitoring them.

You'd think someone

Would mention it.

The sleeplessness.

The lashing out.

The hiding.

You'd think they'd ask

If I was

Okay.

But no, they won't

Ask until

I cry out for help.

I think I'm ready

To get help now.

But....I'm scared. Is it warm

Out there, in the light?

Is there somewhere safe to go?

Is there someone

Waiting

For me?

Will there be medication

That I can take

To help me live?

Will there be a way

To tell my parents?

How do I ask for help?

A suicide attempt.

A broken heart.

How do I get help?

I really

Need help....

But......Either way.

I'm here to stay.

I'm not alive because

I'm too scared to die.

I'm not alive because

People would be sad if I died.

I'm alive because I want to be.

I want to get better.

I want to live.

I want to love.

I want to laugh.

I won't ever get my innocence back.

I won't ever get my memory back.

But I'm going to get

Back my life.

Forget the pain.

Forget the memories.

I can live again.

I can move on.

I can choose the light.

And I'm going to.

I'm tired of living this way.

I'm tired of caring.

I'm tired of being like this.

It's time I change.

Even if

I'm infertile

I'll go on.

Even if

I'm hurt again

I'll go on.

Even if

I have to lay off caffeine

I'll go on.

Even if

I need to leave people

I'll go on.

Even if

People leave me

I'll go on.

I'm ready to get

Better

Now.

There's a life outside of the madness.....

I'll find it....

I'll get better.

I'm getting better.....

There are no tears now.

No need to hurt.

No pain remains.

No feeling.

Eternity awaits.

It will all fade....

The pain will fade.....

The shame will fade....

Memories, too.

They'll go...if I let them.

It's time I let it go.

~~Recovery Lies in Departing~~

Forget me not, little loves.

Forget me not, for I have loved you.

Forget me not, for I am young.

Forget me not, for I am gone.

I thought that I could stay.

I thought that I could love.

I thought that I could give you me.

I thought that I was strong.

But I'm not strong enough to stay.

But I'm not strong enough to care.

But I'm not strong enough to deal.

But I'm not strong enough to love.

If the music's loud, it doesn't hurt.

If the music's loud, I can pretend.

If the music's loud, I can move on.

If the music's loud, I can cry.

I'm sorry for staying away.

I'm sorry for thinking you'd care.

I'm sorry for pretending I was okay.

I'm sorry.

~~Abandon Me Not~~

Abandon me not, oh bitter-tasting poison.
Abandon me not to love.
Abandon me not to the sunshine
You seek to keep me from.

Abandon me not to the love
You insist is right there
Abandon me not to the lies
You whisper in my ear

Beauty, forgiveness--ah life!

Such a simple thing. I can't believe

I once desired to escape it.

I can't believe I once hated it.

Life is better now

Than life has ever been.

Things are not easy,

But things are not then.

Eerily calm, eerily distant

Do you know you lie?

Do you know you stay closed off?

Do you know you've said goodbye?

Bitter-tasting poison

Abandon me to love

Bitter tasting poison

Give me freedom.

I need not be bitter

I need not be fierce

I need not defend

So remove those walls from me

You still hide, as you

Have always hid.

Does he see it?

Of course he does.

He knows I'm learning

He knows I'm trying

He knows I'm young

He knows I'm worth it

How does he know

What you do not?

Give in to the poison

Let me drink your blood...

No one need know but he

I know he knows, for that's who he is

He knows I'm trying

He knows....

Be silent now, little wonder

Let me take you in

Let the shadow feed on you

And give you peace again.....

Who the hell do you think you are?

Butting in where you don't belong.

Madness, Madness, laughing wild--

Darkness, darkness, go home!

You have no home here.

No soul, tainted in depression

To claim

All I am is happy, and at his side

I have peace again.

I have no need for you, not any more

I can stand on my own.

Abandon me to love.

~~One Hundred Eighty Six Days~~

One hundred reasons to grow

One hundred reasons to love

One hundred moments to share

One hundred moments to treasure

Eighty six seconds of darkness

Eighty six hours of light

Eighty six heartbeats of pleasure

Eighty six sounds of joy

Days of darkness, days of light

Days where I've stumbled

But you've held me upright

Days where you've fallen

Days where we've wept

But always days we can't forget

I don't care how bad things get

I don't care where the road may lead

It will lead me to you

That much is true

And that is all I need it to do.....

You're the one I love

You're the one I need

I might talk with others, but you

You make my heart race.

You make my heart race...

I know that there's moments

Where I am alone.

I know that there's moments

When I lash out

I know that there's moments

When I act without thinking

But there's always moments

Of you loving me

That's all I need to know....

All I need to know.....

I don't care where we go--

Just be with me.

I believe that you, you and me, you and me

We've achieved a love that we, we can see....

So go find your path, take me with you

I will make sure no one hurts you

I need your ways, we deserve it

We'll depend on our love, here we go.....

I think you're worth staying for

I think you're worth living for

I think you're worth moving countries for

I think you're worth dying for

I think you're worth my lifetime

I think you're worth my dreams

I think you're worth my nightmares

I think you're worth my hope

I think you're worth my fear

I....I know you're worth me.

One hundred eighty six days....

One hundred eighty six moments

Of love.....

Six months to treasure

Six months to love

Six months to grow

And six months to fight.

I will find you....

Waiting for me

On the shore.

You're worth swimming for.....

I won't trade the world for anyone

But you.

I don't need the world.....

I don't need a thing

I just need you....

I submit to you.

Every piece of me.

I am yours.....

Until the very end of time.

~~Happy six months, my most amazing man.....

I love you endlessly.

~~Swing~~

Music--down or up?

Friends--down or up?

Love--down or up?

Up, up, up--

Caffeine intake!

Up, up, up--

Light!

Down, down down again....

Stress, school....

Swing.

Jump off the swing,

Throw yourself

To the wind.

Let it carry you....

Let it bring you up....

Up....Up....

Only to drop you down again.

Shriek, scream....

Don't let yourself fall

Down, down, down....

Swinging down, down, down....

No, no--clutch at the cliff.

Scrabble for a hold.

Any hold will do.

Just don't give up....

Bright shots of joy--

Live for them.

Gentle smiles--die for them.

Those little bright spots...

Little moments, free from stress....

Bits and pieces of pride....

That is how it needs to be.

That is how you will survive.

Survive the swing, hold on tight....

Watch normal pass you by.

Watch daylight pass you by.

Watch night pass you by.

Deal with hope.

Accept defeat.

Fight for what you believe.

Weep when you fail.

Weep when you win.

Clamber up the swing....

Reach the top....

And scream.

~~Not Just Me~~

DISCLAIMER: I usually don't put disclaimers, because I usually don't care about how my poems are interpreted. However, this time I think I need to....I'm under stress right now. I'm tired. People won't leave me alone. I don't want to deal with things. I don't want to have weird dreams involving Austin and cuddling. I don't want to have to talk to Hugo about his love life and his worries. I don't want to care about people right now. But I HAVE to. So this is my outlet. Ian, it's...not about you. I love you. I'm just...stressed. Really stressed......

I'm such a fool,

Playing by the rules.

Shots of dark,

And disease.

Shots of life:

Dead inside

Shots of hell:

Dead inside.

It's not just me.

Can't be just me.

Feeling this way.

So bad and it's

So dark.

It's never just me.

There's my friends.

They're young and they're laughing

They're laughing and they're naive.

I am young.

Yet, I am not happy.

But, I don't have

A corner

On suffering.

I don't have

A claim

To fame.

I'm just a kid.

And life is

Dark.

I'm just a kid

And I am me.

It is not just me.

I am okay.....

I am okay....

I'm okay now!

It's all ok--

It's not oh fucking kay!

I don't want to fight.

I don't want to deal.

I don't want to work.

I don't want to feel.

I just want to fade

Away!

It's not okay!

It never was okay!

Expectations

Kindnesses

Walls and touches

Just back away!

If I said

It was okay....

I swear now

It was a lie!

It's just a fucking lie.

It's done now.

Don't love me any more.

I hate you, turn away--

Get away from me.

It's not just me.

It's you!

No, wait....

I take it back.

There's no escape

For me.

I'll look after you.

I will care for you.

I will be good to me.

It is just me....

Just me.

It's you that you care about.

You that you protect.

it's not me.

Never will be me.

I'm just your girl.

I'm just your slave.

I'm just your Angel.

And I won't turn away....

Let me love you.

Let me care.

That's all I know

How to do.

All I understand.

I'l be yours.

I'll be beautiful.

I'll give up

For you.