~~Asylum~~

Asylum I seek

Love I know

Forever I flee

For what I don't show

Is how broken I am

But the gods only know

How much I wish I did!

The billion little secrets

They think my life is easy...!

The billion little scars

They wonder why I don't smile....

I wish they did know

But if it was so

What would they do?

Would the send me away

To therapy?

Would they send me away?

I mean it's not like

I've done what they wanted me to

No, I've done the opposite

I've lived so much more

And god knows I've paid for it

In blood, sweat, semen, and tears

I'm done, my loves

Don't ask me why

I want to run now

So why does it matter?

Why does it ever matter?

The loneliness I feel

Is it even true?

You know, if I said

That I was okay

I wonder--

God, how I wonder--

How many would believe it

How many would know the truth

And if my parents guess what I really mean:

"God help me."

"I'm dying."

"Please."

~~In Deference to my Disease~~

Ah loneliness! Such an easy thing

To claim when I get

Into trouble I can't escape

All the needless prattling

On and on about right and wrong

Listening endlessly

To the same song

Living through the night, longing for dawn

All the endless procession

Of the same old excuse

God only knows when I'll realize

That it is no use!

I can't excuse my behaviour

For I've been deemed insane

I can't excuse my lies

For it's all a silly silly game

It's all a silly game

That's all it will be

And it's all I desire

If I play it well, I might escape from my shame

I hate this vivid feeling

That comes when I cry

Such a superior broken agony

It makes me realize I never did die

My life, it never ended

Myself, I never hated it

All I seek is attention

And god knows I'll go far to get it

My disease, if it can be called that

Is a disease I put on myself

A form of self-defence through self-destruction

Burying my heart on its shelf

The childhood I no longer possess

Has now faded from my memory

Even my recent torments

Are passing away from me

How long will it take

For me to forget

All the decisions

I've come to regret?

In deference to my disease

I bow as it passes on by

A tip of my hat

To every forgotten lie

I should move on now

It no longer matters

It is over with, said and done

I will no longer shatter

Farewell, former memories

Farewell pain I held so close

You're out of my mind now

To a place where the internet knows

Found in old blog entries

Journal entries

And Facebook statuses

My blog surely hosts

A great many memories

Good things, and bad

Farewell, nightmares

There's fun to be had.

~~On a Memory~~

When I tell my story now

It's like I'm telling something

Others have told to me

It doesn't hurt any more, but how?

Did I really move on and forget?

Did I grow past it?

Did it really matter, then?

I no longer regret....

What was done to me was cold

And what it turned me into was worse

I was a kid, I was drowning

But now I can escape their hold

I can cling to the hope I bear inside

The hope I've always had

I'll move on, I've moved on

I'll never need to hide

Maybe it's right if I let it pass me by

Maybe it's good if I let it go

But, maybe it's not good

If I didn't have so much reason to cry

I wouldn't have been me without it

Wouldn't have been who I am now

And it's best that I live on

As long as I don't regret it....

I'm alright now, I suppose

I made a lot of good choices

And in truth I'm glad

That it was Ian I chose.

~~I'll Move On~~

Sure, the lies were all worth it

The midnights, the coffees, the tears

Self-abuse, all misuse

Lies inside the girl I used to be

I'm not her any more

I think I should know

I've changed, and it's time

That my life changes too

I'm sorry for who I became

I'm sorry for the choices I made

I'm sorry I hurt you

But I'm not sorry I left you

Goodbye, old person I was

Goodbye scars, it's time

It's time I move on

I can't let it happen again

This is no place

To try and live my life

This is no way

I want to be

I can pinpoint where I lost it

I can see the line I crossed

I know where it all went wrong

And I'll move on, I'll move on

I've hurt enough, it's time to forget

Who I am hates who I've been

Why should I remember

All the sins I used to have?

Why should I remember

The innocence I lost?

I'm not a child, and I'm not a whore

I'm not the girl I was

Who I am hates who I've been

Who I was wishes I could be innocent

Who I am is proud of me

Who I am is proud of me....

~~An Impatient Howl~~

I must wait for the one I love
Though years and years pass me by
I must wait for him to come here
And come here to stay

I must wait for the peace to come
I must wait for it to arrive
I must wait for years, but hopefully
The second he's here it will be made worth it

I hope it will be worth it
How many will I turn down in the time to come?
How many will I meet?
How many will I fall for?

In a way, his isolation
Is easier to withstand than my fickleness
At least with him
He doesn't become attracted to those he attracts

Is it wrong that I don't want to wait?
That I would rather have him near, now?
Sure, delayed gratification is all well and good
But so is gratification

I'm giving up a lot by giving myself to him
I'm gaining the world, though
I think the tradeoff is worth it
He won't hurt me like others have

I know he won't....I can trust no one
No one but him
He won't betray me
He won't ever use me

But, until the day he's here
A part of me won't believe this is real
And will always shy away
Old habits die hard, as the saying goes

Still, I love him
I'll wait til the sun burns the final time if I must
He will be here
No matter what....

~~I'm no Child~~

Though the years I've lived are so few

I lived for longer than one might know

Done more than many would guess

And the scars I accumulated outnumber my years

I'm going to get over it though

I want to get to a point where all my agony

Matters not

And my story doesn't need to be told

I don't think I'll be there for a while

For now, my past haunts me

A shadow blacker than my own

A scar on pale skin

One day, perhaps, I will laugh

And soar free from the things I hate

But that day will not be soon

I wish it could come sooner.....

Scars accumulate

Innocence is stolen

Tears fall

Life continues

The world cannot be stopped

It's useless to regret

It's useless to remember the things that hurt us

For more things will come

But, life is worth it

Life is beautiful

Life is hell

But life is what we make it

I'm no child, not any more

Innocence lost cannot be regained

Scars cannot disappear

Shame cannot turn to pride

Perhaps one day I will forget

As I have already forgotten

But.....Maybe.....

Maybe.....I'll never change.....

~~The Fog of Youth~~

"Ah, so calm, so collected
Why don't you dance the dance?
So pretty, so smart, so new to the world
Why don't you take the chance?

I won't hurt you
That's a promise I make to you
I won't lie to you
I won't be another selfish lover to you

I won't be like them
I won't be like the ones you hate
I won't be like the ones
Putting you in chains you can't escape..."

But that's what they all are
Every last one of them
I write them off so fast
I have no need of them

They're so easily replaced
So many kind hearts
So many comforting hugs
So many false starts

They're so easily replaced
So easily overcome
So easily forgotten
If only I could forget what they'd shown.....

If only I could forget
And pull the veil over my eyes
Go back to my childhood
To where the sun doesn't cry

I wish I could return to the girl
Who was so innocent, so blind
But she's no longer me
And she never would have survived

Even though I long for the veil
This awareness, this swift mind
Is more than I had ever wished for then
And indeed I'm glad of the life that is mine

I have amazing things in truth
So many things I didn't have before
But still I wonder what would have happened
If I had shut the door?

What would have happened
If I had said no?
How much of this life
Would I never know

If I hadn't made the choices I did
Woke up, and felt so much shame
I wonder how different I would be
If I had never played the game?

Would I still regret the choices I made
Before the end began?
Before the spiralling staircase
And the call of the void, with the voice of a man?

I wonder, but I should not care
This is the life I now lead
I guess it's time for me
To end this, and go read

But yet I care not to
For my mind still runs poetically
My fingers still tap at the keys
And my blog has need of me

So many have said they would never hurt me
So many have backed off if I asked
So many have damaged me, broken me
And only one has been tasked

With keeping good care of my slowly beating heart
Caring for it, and marvelling as it grows
Watching me heal, watching me love
One day I hope to grant him with better shows

The honour and joy of seeing me dance
And laughing for real
I wonder if he knows how much he means to me
Because he's the only one that makes me feel

So much of me I have to give
So much I'm afraid to show
I know I'm honest
But I don't know if he really wants to know

Every thought in my mind
Every darkness I conceal
Does he want to really see?
Does he want me to be real?

I will try to trust him
For he's the only chance I have
So, marry me, Ian love
May we never be forgot