~~Back to Good~~

Let's just say: "Screw this."

Let's see where it takes us.

Let's say: "Let's end this."

Let's see where it takes us.

I want to end the world,

But I'm starting with you.

I'm glass, broken into a shard--

And all cuz of some fool like you.

I'm heading back to good.

Let's see where ending the world

Will take us....

Let's see what this will have for us.

Will it work out?

Will it hurt?

Will the end of days come?

Let's just get back to good....

~~Beyond Amazing--Life Post~~

So, it looks like it has been a very, very busy week for me. It has also been a very quiet week over here on Regaining Wings. I haven't posted much of anything for days now, including the chapters of For Love of Minecraftia and Her. I know I've been away, and I'm sorry about that. I'm not sure what to do to make up for it, but I hope all of you understand why I haven't been around.

You see, this darling little place has gone from being my savior to my demon. This has become incredibly painful for me, as I've become forced to maintain a crazy pace and I've started getting less and less cathartic release from my poetry than before. It's started being meant to help people instead of help me. It's stopped being good for me to stay, and started becoming quite stressful. I should never have let this happen, and I hope I can undo it. I hope I can return to it being balanced--part blessing and part work. I don't want to stop enjoying writing just because it is no longer 'just me'. Now, I have plenty of devoted fans and plenty things to do and undo. Now, don't think that I'm blaming what's going on with me on you. It just means that I am currently working my way through a lot of hardships, and the added stress I was putting on myself due to my blog was something I couldn't handle.

Now, I'm going to own up and tell everyone just what has happened to me. I'm going to talk to all of you about the fact that the time has come: I am officially no longer hiding from my parents. I am getting mental help, and I am going to take control of my life and fight the Madness. I am going to examine my psyche, and figure out why I'm suicidal/damaged. See if there's any way at all to fix just what happened to me, and how I'm going to go about beating this damned thing.

Yes.

I intend to beat this damned thing.

I am going to destroy the Madness....

I know it's source now. I know why it's here.

The Madness is here because of Emily Victoria Packard.

I fell for her years and years ago. She was the first girl I ever loved, but I failed to save her. She was suicidal and depressed. A cutter. An alcoholic. A sex freak. She was bipolar. She was absolutely everything that could go wrong in a person, but I went head over heels for her and never once regretted it. I tried beyond reason to help her, but I couldn't help her. I just couldn't help her.

So I walked away from her, and I never forgave myself for it. The Madness is my guilt for failing her. For failing everyone.

You see, Emily ended up killing herself. I know, rationally, that it wasn't my fault and that there wasn't anything I could do. I know that I was beyond amazing to even try and help her. I know that so many people would not have even tried, but....Still. I wish I could have done more, and now I feel like I don't deserve happiness. I never even said goodbye to Emily....

I will not be able to forgive myself for a while yet.

So, now that I know the problem, I can work my way towards the solution. I can figure out how to get better. I can survive. I can be happy.

I'm going to be alright.

I am beyond amazing, and so is my boyfriend.

Shawn was going to confront my parents about my mental health, and get them to understand that I need help. He was going to make me get help, even if I didn't want it. Unfortunately/fortunately, I told them myself on Monday.

When I almost tried to kill myself.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, guys. I'm sorry for everything.

Okay, Shawn is also amazing for another reason--he's going to move here probably. He's going to be able to see me every day, and be here whenever I need him. He'll get a one-bedroom apartment, and we can be together a lot. I can go and visit him and we can be together.

I am a lucky, lucky dork.

I love you, my darlings.

~~Half-Dead Bunny Rabbits~~

There are bunny rabbits in my mind.

I can't even pretend to hide.

I'm not dead, I'm not fine--

I'm going to be alright!

Don't worry, I'll sing and dance.

In the darkness, I'm prepared to prance.

I can swallow all the pain.

And make it okay again.

I'll swallow up what happened.

I'll work my way until I end

The bad things and undo

All the things I did to you.

I'm a half-dead bunny rabbit.

I wouldn't do this if I didn't know it

Would help me get better....

I really hope I'll get better.

I'm drained out, and slipping away.

I'm at the edge of 'one last bad day'.

One bad day to drive me mad.

At the end, I hope you're glad.

I hope you're proud of what you've done.

I've sung the worst songs I could have sung.

I've dragged you to me

And made you bleed.

I feel fine now, I think.

I'll be okay to write, I think.

I'll try to explain why I went away.

I hope you understand why I'll be okay....

~~Farewell, IB History~~

The Rumors are True:

I am through with you.

I am changing courses, trading place

With another class to save face.

My grades weren't the best

And I didn't feel blessed

To endure endless quizzes.

So I'll give the rest my best wishes.

I'll take a different class.

I'll do better than pass.

Forget all the stress,

And work on the rest.

This has nothing to do with the teacher.

My friends: I'll hate to leave her and her.

This truly is for the best:

I'll get the depression off my chest.

I'll still be fine.

I'll always keep my skill to rhyme.

Goodbye, and be well, IB History:

You just weren't meant for me.

~~So.~~

So, I fell apart.

So this blog has been put on the back burner.

So I asked for help.

So I don't know what to say.

I hope you understand

Everything that is wrong.

I hope you understand

All my plans are going to be put back.

I need to focus

On myself.

I need to focus

On my mind.

I won't be around

For a while.

Don't worry,

I'll be fine.

~~Unsustained~~

I'm draining slowly, slipping away.

I think my mind is sliding off.

I think there's something wrong.

I think there's something wrong....

There is so much wrong.

I'm unsustained.

Unable to believe.

Unable to move on.

I'm not sure

How to handle

Living life

This way....

How do I admit

I have mental issues?

How do I explain

To m boyfriend I don't deserve it?

How do I explain

That I can't handle kids?

That I'm losing my mind?

How do I say it?

~~A New World of 'Just Barely'~~

Sustain it the best you can.

Sustain the swing, sustain....

Losing it all in the middle....

Losing the extremes....

A new world of 'just barely'.

Pretending it's alright.

Focus on priorities.

Make sure it's okay.

Don't worry about the loss of sleep.

About the loss of time.

About the man you love being

The man you should escape from.

Don't worry about anything.

Enter the world of 'just barely'.

Enter the world of slightly wrong....

Enter the world of apathy.

I am going to be completely fine.

I won't lose a single thing.

I will keep myself in total control.

I will survive forever.

I will be fine...

Just barely....

Just barely alive....

Not even alive.