~~Monday is NOT My Day: Life Post~~

I'm sitting in a computer lab in a university library. I have literally nothing that I can do right now. I am tired, anxious, and miffed. I have NOT had a good morning, and it is only Monday. To make things worse, I have a massively busy week coming up. Dear god. I'm not ready for this.

Well, I guess I ought to find something to do. I guess that would likely be to catch y'all up on everything I have been up to this past while.

What HAVE I been up to?

First off, I've been spending a bit too much time on Omegle. It isn't exactly my best idea, I know, but I still enjoy being on Omegle. Not the video version, of course. I just go on the text version. I've met a handful of interesting people, but no one of any real import.

Second, I'm pretty sure I'm slipping. A few relapses have occurred lately. Yes, I do hate myself for it. Yes, I do know that I do not need to do the things I do. I know I don't. But....It's not like I can stop it.

I do not know what to do with my life. I am scared and I know I shouldn't be scared. I know I have people I can rely on; but I don't want to. I don't want to rely on any of them.

School's been going alright. Good enough grades. Interesting subjects. Cool people.

Take today, for example. I'm at_____ Library for the entire day so I can do research for my Internal Assessment project in IB History. Okay, well....That means it's a really big, really important essay.

I'm doing mine, naturalich, on the treatment of the LGBT throughout history. Or, at least, something to do with that.

I'm looking forward to learning a lot. I do love learning....

My life is doing well enough. Ian and I are doing quite well. I love him very much. I'm playing Borderlands II with Kayvenn. I'm having random chats with Emil. I had a rather good sleepover with my girls.

However, there is--as per usual--hardship. One of the girls I know is jealous of me for always being the center of attention, and for OWNING weird. My hair, my style, my dress, my mind--I own weird. I'm brave and I stand out. She does not. She is NORMAL. I am, by no means, normal.

So, she does her best to insult me and to put me down. I have, on several occasions, lost my temper with her. I don't effing care about what she thinks.

I am so very tired, guys. My mind....I didn't get enough sleep last night. I was trapped awake with some people I knew. I need to clean up my Skype contact list.....And now.

Hey, loves? Whatcha up to?

Have all of you been okay?

I know basically none of you will answer this, but I want y'all to know that I do think about you guys. That I wish I was around more. I know I haven't...spoken to any of you in quite some time. I apologize for that.

Most of my life....

Most of my life is never going to be normal. I will continually have things I worry about. I will continually have hardships and pain. I will never know real peace.

However, I seriously doubt I would have it any other way. I thrive in misery and drama. I feel pain better than I feel joy. Depression is more familiar to me than love.

I will be happy and content with whatever life throws. I will never be broken. I will never be owned.

I will never fade away.

I am wonderful.

Here's a quote for you lovely people. It's from the song The Grey by Icon for Hire.

You tell me:

In your deepest pain

In your weakest hour

In your darkest night

You are lovely.

You are lovely. My loves, you are lovely.

I don't care how bad it gets....

I don't care how much it hurts....

I promise you: It is going to hurt. You are going to hurt.

But it WILL be worth it.

I promise you.

It WILL fade one day.

You WILL find the meaning behind the seemingly meaningless suffering.

And, my loves? Through it all, you will be lovely.

You are lovely.

Stay strong. I'll be right there by your side.

You will find the light one day.

And....You will never be alone.

Never forget that you are loved. Never forget that there is a reason. Never forget that, no matter how bad it gets, you are lovely and you are loved.

I love you all, forever and always.

~~It Should Hurt Less~~

The pain should decrease

(At least that's what you said)

It should get easier

(That's what you promised me)

We're still distant, but it's okay

(I wish I could believe that)

It's going to get better

(I know that. It has to)

I love you so much

(I wish I knew what to do)

You're a wonderful man

(Too bad you aren't here)

Darling, I'll give you anything

(There's nothing more I can give)

What you give me is enough

(But I promise it still hurts)

Stay with me

(I would die without you)

I'll forever be with you

(I promised you that)

It will hurt less

(I love it when it hurts)

You make me so happy

(When it doesn't feel like it's killing me....)

I will fight for you

(It's hurting me so much)

I won't give up on us

(I don't know what else to do.)

~~Still Works~~

I know it sucks

I know it hurts

But, hey, it still works

The world is dark

It still hurts

But my mind is fine

I'm still sane,

I'm still going strong.

I know it hurts.

I know it hurts....

I promise it's going to hurt.

But it works...

It always works.

Just stay strong,

Smile and breathe.

Make it work....

Fake it till it works....

Make it good....

Come on, just make it good.

It'll work.

I promise it'll work,

Even though I know it will hurt.

Make it through

Stay true to you.

Cling to the dreams

That race through your mind....

I know they'll fade

But for now

Just make them work.

Don't question your methods

Don't ask why.

That's just asking to die.

Move on and make it go.

Move on and let it go.

Just make it work.

Please, just make it work.

Everything

Will be okay

If you just

Make it work.

Smile and fake it

Smile and move on...

Smile and take it

Smile.

Smile and make it work.

Broken one

Maybe you

Will make it work....

Just believe

That faking it

Still works.

~~Matrix~~

We don't exist

We don't really exist.

It's a broken world

It's not here.

Let us go,

Let us be.

I want to get out--

But this is all.

Which way out

Or which way in?

Is it a simulated dream?

Or a broken thing?

~~I am Alive: Catching Up Post~~

Hello again, dearest ones!

I know, it has been a long time, was it not?

Dearest ones, I apologize.

First, I will make a quick list...

1. I went on a four-week trip at the start of summer. Paris, France. Bacharach, Germany. Brussels, Belgium. Amsterdam, the Netherlands.

2. The trip went incredibly well.

3. Summer was relaxing. Minecraft was a lot of fun. Oh, if you want to get your Facebook filled with my Minecraft world, add TheMansion PlaysMinecraft.

4. I'm back at school now. It seems to be going pretty well, actually. I like all my courses, even though it will be a bit difficult.

5. Joseph is still head over heels for me, and is dreaming about me.

6. The Mansion is working on leaving everyone for now.

7. I am tired.

That's a very brief overview. More might be covered later on.

For now, I'm in history class.

Love you.

~~Discontinued?~~

Was this place abandoned?

Was it left?
It is unknown, undecided.

Was it discontinued?
Was the gap between then and now

Too large to bridge?
Was I silent for too long?

What occurred?

A victory, or defeat?

I will not
Leave you to wonder:

This blog

Will

Return.

~~Not Yours~~

You don't own me.

You don't want me.

Pretend as much

As your ego can stand--

I won't be yours.

I'll play into your ego.

I'll make you smile.

I'll play into your delusions.

I'll make you forget:

I don't give a damn about you.

If you knew me,

Like you said you did,

You would expect this behaviour from me.

You would expect

Me

To push you away.

Hell, you'd be glad

When I pushed you away.

You don't want to deal

With someone who just might

Do what's smart for once....

But intelligence isn't listed

As one of my strong points.

And so you'll assume I'll stay.

And so you'll assume I'll smile....

Smile when you take yourself away.

Smile when you realize you were a fool.

Smile when you realize--

I never cared at all.

Master, Master

Back away.

Master, Master,

I'm not yours.

Turn away and accept it.

No matter how

Strong you are.

No matter how

Narcissistic you are.

You won't get near me.

I belong to another--

So accept it

And move on.

I'm not yours.

I'm his.