Surprise! Guess Who!

Thought I left all of you, did you?

Well, I wanted to drop in on you.

I wanted to say:

Hi.

I've been very happy. Happier than I've been in a long time. I'm in--finally--a much more stable relationship. My old guy, Shawn? Remember him?

THAT JERK LEFT ME FOR ANOTHER GIRL.

AFTER TOTALLY RUINING MY SELF-ESTEEM.

AND MAKING ME FEEL LIKE A WHORE.

-cough-

Okay, uh, yeah.

Well.

Sorry, I'm still a little touchy on that subject.

Anybutts, I am doing insanely well. I am--of course--dating again. At least, unofficially dating. He is wary of long distance, which I do understand--and, after Shawn, I am wary of dating in general--so he and I are taking things as they come. We've known each other for years, and I couldn't be happier.

He and I have a lot of shared interests, spend a huge amount of time together....He's everything I could ask for in a human, and the best part is?

In all the time we've known each other, he has never done a single thing but make me feel happy, loved, and supported.

I can't get over how much I love him.

How much I need him.

I'm addicted to him....

He and I do plan on being life partners. We're polyamorous (which does make the whole long distance thing easier, at least in my opinion) but we've agreed he and I are a package deal. No matter what happens, no matter where we go in life, no matter who else we meet--he and I are a package deal, and we remain a package deal of happy fun times. Also, if there is marriage in the future of either of us, it's to each other.

Yeah, that's what I love about him--through good times and bad, through me dating others and me running to him, he's been right there by my side. V, my wonderful rock--and, potentially, the ONE GUY I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR ALL ALONG.

Heh.

I can't believe it took me so long to really just...give in and love him. Realize that, even with how well I connected with Ian--and how well I seemingly connected with Shawn--V was always the one who I felt safest with.

V never made me feel anything but happy....

Okay, this is getting sappy.

I've lost thirty pounds. I've made good, and bad, choices. I have a new website, and a Facebook page. I'm happy with my life. I mean...I'm really happy with my life.

I'm doing well.

It's going to be a happy New Year....

With love and joy,

The Half-Mad Writer A. H. Wong

~~Surprise!!!--Life/Meta Post~~

These will not be the final words you ever hear from me, readers new and old. I love you, and I said I would never go.

So, I'm back again to haunt you with poetry and prose.

Go to my new website.

You will find me there.

I'm sorry I was gone so long, my loves.

I was in mourning for this place, and couldn't bear to write.

But I'm back now, and over the course of the next few days, all novels found here will be posted onto my new Wordpress blog.

With love and kindness,

Half-Mad Writer

~~This Blog has been Discontinued--Announcement and Goodbye Post~~

Due to the seemingly endless influx of spam, this blog will be closed. I have tried multiple times to cease this spam. If anyone has any following ideas, please do reach me at annashadowlight@hotmail.ca or leave a comment below.

Please disregard all following posts.

Except for the one that tells you the URL of my newest blog.

I'm so very sorry...

Have a final poem from me.

We had a good time.

I'm finding it hard to rhyme,

With these tears in my eyes.

They made my promises lies.

I said I would never go,

That you would always know

My every thought and sigh.

But now that time has come to die.

We had a good time, and I'll miss you.

When I had no one else, I had relied on you.

I took strength in your reading,

While you listened to my screaming.

You kept me so very safe,

And I never thought the bonds would chafe.

Now I've been released,

And I hate being freed.

I wish I could return

To a time I had come to learn

Was the best time of my life.....

It had saved my life.

Never forget me, or let me go.

Don't stop loving the girl you'd come to know.

Follow me wherever I may lead;

Listen to me forever, I plead!

Don't let this be goodbye.

Don't make your silent words a lie.

Follow me as I try to rhyme,

There is always going to be time.

This is the time to say goodbye.

I promise I won't fly

Away from you for long.

You'll never escape my song.

I love you all, in truth.

The path for me will never smooth,

But I don't mind--

I'll never leave you all behind.

~~Cheater~~

Liar, whore, slut, skank--

Bound by laws,

Not by honor.

Is it wrong

To scream 'rape'

When it is wanted?

I try to pretend

That this

ISN'T

My fault.

I invite

The hands

The cruelty

The loneliness.

I invite it all,

But lie and say

I don't.

Am I wrong,

Or am I right?

~~Another World~~

I dream of a shining world.

Where happiness and love

Come in waves.

I dream of another world,

A place where I'm at peace.

I dream of a world

Where I am safe,

But I don't know

If such a world

Exists.

Is there a place

Where I am happy and

Beautiful?

Is there another world?

Is there the world

Of my dreams--

Of magic and light,

Of wrong and of right,

Of battle, and of peace?

Is there the world of my dreams?

Is there a place

For me?

Is there a place

Where I am one of many?

Where my sins

Are known,

And forgiven?

Is there a place

Where I am whole?

Is there a place

Where you are with me

Forever?

Is there a place

Where I can finally

Fall asleep

In your arms?

Is there another world?

Is there a better world?

I want you to stay

In my world.

I want you to stay

With me.

~~Help Me Not~~

I'm happy here.

I'm happy

In my darkness.

I'm happy

In my light.

I'm happy

On the rollercoaster,

Tumbling from

Highs of

Perfect apparent sanity,

And lows of

Dark demise.

I'm happy tumbling

From high cliffs,

Unable to recall

Just how to fly

Until the very last instant

Before the spikes

Pierce my heart.

I am happy here.

I know you don't think so.

I know you believe

I'd be better off

If I accepted

Your assistance.

I know I need therapy.

I know I need to lose

Myself in pain

And drown myself

In pleasure.

I know I need to

Close myself off

More, or is it less?

Is it better

To be open

And let the light in,

Or closed

And keep the night out?

Teach me--

Is it better

To be me,

Or to be

You?

~~Inside My Eyes~~

I gaze out

At the world.

I register little--

Seeming to not see

The teachers

The classmates

The stars.

I seem not to see,

But I do see--

Inside my eyes

Lies

A world of joy

And hatred.

Tied up and torn,

A prisoner

To my memories--

Would I live my life

Another way

Than this?

Would I choose

Anything different

From this?

I chose my sins.

I chose my lies.

I chose my comforts.

I chose my victories.

I chose to suffer,

While you--

'Noble' watcher--

Chose to grow.

I know I won't

Win the race.

I know I won't

Get as far

As you.

Why?

Simply because

I choose not to.

Why race forward

When the entire world

Is a hotbed

Of danger and death?

Why not calmly

Walk along,

Knowing that

There is no escape

From the darkness behind--

Just like

There is no escape

From the darkness

Inside.

Inside my eyes,

I form a smile

And laugh as you wonder

Why I prefer

To be alone.

~~On the Wrong Page: A Free Verse Story~~

Ever so slightly...off.

You can't tell what's wrong,

Now can you?

You swallow, wondering why

My eyes sparkle and shine.

Is that a laugh

That can be called sane?

Is that something

You can measure?

Biting your lip,

You face me and wonder

Why I am so quiet.

Do I need a friend?

Do I notice there's a world

Surrounding me?

Is the distant gaze

I possess

Registering you,

Or a different place,

Different face?

Do you feel my gaze

Flicking over you?

Taking all of you

In, before

Deciding

Not to bother?

You wince a little

At my coldness.

You see me smirk,

See me smile--

A hidden girl,

Celebrating

Her hidden world.

I am on the wrong page,

And you are watching

Me write the story

Of my life.

You are on the wrong page,

Wondering why

I'm smiling.

~~The Stories of a Girl~~

I am a writer, and I am fine.

I am mad, but you are mine.

You are the one I dance for.

You are the one I trust.

You listen to my stories,

And help my mind adjust.

I am growing,

My heart is shining,

And you've saved me from the dark.

Black on white--my world was so stark.

You've changed my mind,

And changed my soul--

Is it wrong to thank you

For making me whole?

You listen to my stories,

And tell me I'm amazing.

You tell me a thousand times

That I am all yours, and you are mine.

You tell me I'm lovely,

And listen with joy.

You turn to me and listen

To my words.

You are proud of me,

And I know I'm proud of you.

I feel good when I'm with you.

You make me happy,

You make me good---

I wish I could show you

What I couldn't do for anyone else.

I wish I could show you I love you.

I wish I could find the words,

But I can't find out how to be kind.

The words tumble from my tongue,

Far too cruel and cold--

You love me still, even though I know

You shouldn't love.

You listen to my stories,

And put up with my tears.

You soothe me and you tease me

For all my irrational fears.

You prove to me it's alright,

And help me through the night.

I absolutely love you.

You make me smile.

You listen to my stories,

But you don't know

You're the only reason

I'm telling them.

You don't know you are

My inspiration.

My fascination,

My temptation--

You are my love.

I listen to your stories,

And I hope you know

That I love you with every

Little

Beat of my heart.

~~Internalized and Scanned--Life Post~~

As I write these words, I am doing a full-scale complete scan of my laptop. HOPEFULLY, that will stuck these annoying posts from popping up on my beautiful, virginal blog!

Naturally, THIS MEANS I'LL NEED TO CHANGE EVERY PASSWORD.

These include....

Hotmail.

Google.

Reddit.

Chatango.

Blogger.

YouTube.

EVERY PASSWORD SHALL BE CHANGED, AS I AM THE HALF-MAD WRITER AND NO ONE TOUCHES MY BLOG!

Teehee.

Is that clear?

I hope so.

Anywho, I have...updates on my mind and Figments.

Stepha and Cassandra have left my mind. One by one, all of them are disappearing--the contracts that kept them bound to me, and kept them helping me, became null and void when it became clear I was becoming saner. They are gone now.

I'm losing Nikita tomorrow.

Raphael will be the last to go, and he will leave in a month.

No, two weeks.

I....

I'm ready for this. I'm ready to stop hearing voices, to finally become JUST ME again. I haven't been 'sane' (in the traditional sense) in my living memory. I don't remember a time before them, but soon, all I will know is a time after them. It will be hard to adjust.

After they go, will I be better?

Possibly.

Why are they going?

They're leaving because of Shawn. My life has found stability. I have found happiness. Of course there's frustrations, moments that are hard, and parts of life that cause pain and disappointment. But there's a lot of happiness, too. Of watching AN ENTIRE ANIME in one night (Madoka Magica, all twelve episodes marathon-style). There's good parts and there's finally the ability to love.

Yes, I'm....I'm able to say "I love you" again and mean it completely.

It took me such a long time to say it, but now I finally freaking mean it. I finally feel love again!

Am I better now, because of this? I guess I am. I guess I am finally making huge breakthroughs.

I'm amazing.

With love eternal,

Half-Mad Writer

~~How Did This Happen?~~

Here I go again.

Asking questions that

Go unanswered, of you, my friend.

Here I go again.

I'm wondering why

When I know the reason:

It doesn't take much to make me cry.

I'm wondering why.

How did this happen?

I thought I was stronger,

That my heart was on the mend.

How did this happen?

Did I become twisted?

Tied up and drowned,

Lost in my art and all I hid?

Did I become twisted?

I made mistakes.

Would I undo them

If that was a choice I could take?

I made mistakes.

I got hurt and I cried.

I fell in love again and again,

Found many that lied.

I got hurt and I cried.

I grew up, and got bitter.

I pretended it was okay,

As my cold heart doth shiver.

I grew up, and got bitter.

I fell in love, and I tried.

God knows I did my best

To show what was inside.

I fell in love, and I tried.

You held me close and saved me.

I lied and cheated,

And pushed you away from me.

You held me close, and saved me.

How did this happen?

I never thought I deserved

To be loved again.

How did this happen?

You saved my life.

You made it worth fighting,

And pushed away my inner strife.

You saved my life.

I owe you everything.

I hope that you understand

All the hidden meaning.

I owe you everything.

~~Belief?~~

What do I believe in?

Do I believe

In some higher power,

Watching over me?

Do I believe

In someone judging me

As I dance for them?

Tossing challenges

In my face,

Teaching me

To cry,

Scream,

And fight--

Do I believe

Someone wants to hurt me,

Or help me?

Do I believe in anything?

Asking questions,

Unable to think--

Do I believe someone

Can hear my voice?

I don't know what I believe.

If someone was there,

Watching over me,

Did they let me get hurt?

Or did they try

To stop me?

Did they comfort me,

Or hurl me

Into battle?

Do I have a belief

In anything?

Do I believe in anything

But myself,

And the foolishness

Of mankind?

~~Candy-Sweet Faces Rewrite!--Life Post~~

Goodmorning, everyone! As you can see, my long-standing project of Candy Sweet Faces is continuing. I'll write the blurb down below, if I have the chance.

Wait, it seems that I'm STILL being hacked. Please disregard any posts that are clearly not made by my lovely self, as I'm not quite certain how they are still posting. I've changed my password THRICE on every account connected to Blogger--email, blogger, and Google. I'm not certain what else can be done.

Besides that, I really am focused on finishing Candy-Sweet Faces. When I get the chance, I'm going to write a set of timelines to keep important dates for the plot (as well as the main character's private lives) in order.

Yes, this novel/novels will require timelines.

Because they're going to be that complicated.

I'm not entirely sure just what will happen. I know there will be multiple character deaths, and a major expansion in the CSF universe.

SPOILER: Patients, policemen, a very specific reporter, and a travelling circus will mean a massive amount in the CSF stories.

I also might change the title of CSF. I like Candy-Sweet Faces, but I might also go for things like BLACK ROSE SOCIETY, THE SOCIETY OF BROKEN GIRLS, TO KILL A LOVER, BLACK LOLITAS, LOLITA UNDONE....

Forgotten Toffee, maybe!

It kinda depends on where this story ends. I'm not exactly sure where it will end, really....

I'm running through dozens of possible titles. I LOVE Candy-Sweet Faces, but I don't know how well it fits. I'm currently going through a list of about twenty possibilities with my friend Gary.

I need to run through a lot more titles....

So, yes, I will be rewriting this.

It WILL end up a trilogy.

I like the name Black Rose Hall.

Or maybe Damaged Goods.

Or Dying Embers. Which ends up becoming Spark in the Dark, and then Fire in the Night.

Or maybe False Angels.

I don't know....

We'll see!

~~Adoration~~

Adoration, contemplation--

What does it mean to love?

I know my heart races,

I know i feel amazed--

What does it mean to love?

I'm in heaven when you kiss me,

But I'm in hell when you're away.

It hurts, my heart aches--

I run a thousand miles

Just to see you.

I destroy the world,

Just to see you.

I'm drowned in love and sensation--

Worship is in my heart.

I'll do anything you ask.

Just tell me you love me.

Just tell me you love me

As much as I believe

I love you....

I can't decide

If it's love, or if I should hide.

I don't know what

I'm doing right--

Am I doing something wrong?

Am I breaking you?

Am I hurting you?

Am I cold,

Or am I kind?

I don't know what's wrong,

I don't know what's right--

Is it good that I don't believe

I can live without you anymore?

~~I Blame You~~

You hurled me into war.

Too young to breathe,

Too young to scream--

You pitched me off a cliff,

And told me to fly.

I fell into the arms

Of enemies posing as friends--

Was it my fault I wound up hurt?

I blame you for not teaching me.

I blame you for not helping me.

I blame you for not seeing

I was too young to fly.

I blame you for my tears.

I blame you for my bitterness.

I blame you for my cold.

I blame you for my anger.

I blame you for my weakness.

I blame you.

I know it's my fault.

I know I could have flown.

I know I could have freaking SOARED--

But I blame you.

I blame you for not knowing

I didn't want to fly.

For not knowing

I wanted to cry.

For not realizing

I didn't want to win the war.

I blame you for

Making me feel like I was alone.

I blame you for abandoning me

To the enemies I should have fought.

I blame you for my scars,

Even though I held the knife.

I blame you.

~~Destroy the Broken Ones~~

We are the bitter,

We are the alone.

We are the ones

Standing side by side--

Let the first one to cry

Be the first damned.

Let the first one to scream

And regret

Be the first one dead.

Let the first one to breathe

Be the first one gone.

We are the broken ones,

So let's see us burn.

Take our hands

And lead us astray.

Lead us to the path

Of thorns,

And leave us there alone.

Let us destroy ourselves.

~~I Am Undone~~

I am a broken

Little ball of fluff and desire.

I am a lonely

Little child--

So why do you care?

Why do you pull me

Close to you?

Comfort me,

When everything else

Goes wrong?

Why do you tell me

It's all going

To be okay?

I'm a bitch,

I'm a whore,

I'm useless,

I'm cold,

I'm dead--

I'm no one, so

Why do you treat me

Like I'm perfect?

Why do your words say

That I'm absolutely perfect?

Why does your voice

Soften

When you meet my gaze?

Why do you grin

And laugh

Whenever I curl up

Close to you?

Why do you let me

Cling to you?

Why?

I am undone.

Why do you love me?

~~Not Only....~~

Not only me, not only you.

There's more

Than we could ever know.

You're watching

From behind the shadow,

Waiting for the sunlight--

Don't you know

It will shine

On more than you?

Don't you know

It will reveal the world?

We aren't the only ones

Here in love.

We're not alone.

We aren't alone in love.

Surrounded by others,

We embrace

And keep each other close.

We feel whole,

We feel broken--

We dream

Of forever,

While waiting

For the past

To repeat.

We don't know

Where we're going--

We only know

We don't like where

We've been.

We can't guess

At tomorrow--

All we can do

Is fight for today.

You are my lover,

Let me be your bride.

Let me be your whole world.

Let me be yours--

And I swear

I will

Love you.

~~Halfway Broken~~

I think I'm sliding out.

My mind is losing it.

I can't make sense

Of who I used to be--

But there's something

Wrong with me.

I remember the sadist,

I remember the cruel

And the cold--

Is that who I am?

I thought I'd

Changed.

I thought I'd

Stopped this....

Wasn't I

Better?

Wasn't I

Better than this?

I don't want

To tear them in two...

So why am I

So tempted

To make them scream?

Why do I

Want to hear them cry?

Why do I

Want to end their lives?

I'm halfway broken,

But I thought I

Was so close to whole....

I thought I

Was better.

~~"Hostile Heights" by Raphael~~

The heavenly skies tower over all of humankind. 

The heavenly skies watch over you--

Can you feel their dark eyes

Shimmering as they pass over you?

Hands on their swords,

Their black wings spread wide--

Can you sense them watching you?

Watching you lie and cheat,

Watching you run red lights,

Watching you kill and screw--

Don't you know they're watching you?

You can't escape their measure.

You can't escape their eyes.

Measure is unceasing,

And it's all of you.

They watch you,

They know you--

They know what you say,

They know what you do.

Hands on their swords,

They are watching you.

Sparring each other,

Preparing for war--

Can you feel them

Watching over you?

Can you feel them smiling?

Can you feel them laughing?

Displeasure and pride,

Measure and rewards--

Can you feel them shaking their heads

As they're watching you?

They know everything you do:

Can you feel them smile?